Rough Draft of my PS. Feedback please. Forum

[Anonymous User]

This is my rough draft for my personal statement. All constructive criticism is welcome! Thanks!


I am a country girl born and raised. My family was a normal, middle class family consisting of my mother, father, two older sisters, and myself. My brother is thirteen years older than I am so he was not around a lot when I was growing up but, we were a typical family. Both of my parents worked nine to five jobs and my sisters and I were all “good girls” who made good grades, played sports, and had plenty of friends. Around the age of sixteen, I realized that I was a lot different than my sisters. Whenever they wanted something they would simply ask my mom and she would give it to them. On the other hand, I decided that I wanted to get a job and be able to buy the things I wanted for myself, so that is exactly what I did.

The summer before my senior year of high school, at the age of seventeen, I found out that I was pregnant and on my eighteenth birthday, I gave birth to my beautiful daughter. When she was born I was living with my daughter’s father, working a full-time job as a waitress, and going to school part-time so that I could graduate with my class. When my daughter was two months old her father and I decided to get married. It did not take long for our relationship to go sour and when it did I had my first real experience with our court system. I was still working full time as a waitress and there was no way I could afford a lawyer. I spent months trying to find an attorney who was willing to help me and work with me financially and applied for legal aid services. Every attorney I spoke to would not budge on the amount of a retainer, no less than one thousand dollars, and the legal aid office informed me that my case was too complex to be accepted as a pro bono case. In the end, I had to turn to my family for assistance in paying the expenses for an attorney and fortunately they were able to help. But, my problems did not end there. The attorney I retained was more interested in making money off of me than actually helping me with my case. It took over a year to have my divorce finalized and to receive a custody order in regards to my daughter.

My experience with my divorce is what made me start thinking about pursuing a career in the legal field. I enrolled in An Introduction to Paralegal Studies course at my local community college. I was mesmerized by this course. We covered an overview of multiple different areas of law and for the first time I truly enjoyed what I was learning about. Originally, my plan was to acquire my Associates Degree in Paralegal Studies and find work as a paralegal. The closer I got to graduation the more I realized that I did not want to settle. I wanted to keep going and push my education farther. This is when I started thinking about law school. I knew that I would be able to do more as an attorney than I could ever do as a paralegal.

I am now remarried and have two beautiful daughters and a beautiful step-daughter. I currently am a stay-at-home mom and full time student finishing my Bachelor’s Degree in Criminal Justice. My husband works very hard at a good job to support our family and my dream, but we still generally live paycheck to paycheck. My experiences in life have driven me to pursue a law degree. My goal in life is not to get rich and drive fancy cars. My goal is to be able to help people who really need it, people who are in situations like mine where their case is too much work for an attorney to accept it as a pro bono case, but they do not have an extra $1500 to retain counsel. Everyone deserves adequate representation from an attorney, even in civil cases, and it is my desire to help make that possible.

[scoobysnax]

i almost didn't read the whole thing because your first paragraph is very boring. i would cut that out. i would also be cautious about making statements contrasting yourself with other people who just want to "get rich and drive fancy cars." i know you want to convey yourself as someone who genuinely wants to help others, but you can say that about yourself without these comments about other people. it comes off as self-righteous

[CanadianWolf]

You may want to rewrite your concluding thought after acquainting yourself with the cost of a law degree (not to mention setting up an office).

[rion91]

I read your first few sentences to the tune of fresh prince of bel-air. You need a better hook. It screams "I'm normal, so normal!"

I would cut out first paragraph completely.


also cut out

"My goal in life is not to get rich and drive fancy cars"

p.s. great story, just the writing is a little rough. but that's what the rought draft is for. i would focus on your experience with the court. you left the reader hanging. what kind of experience did she have the court?? how exactly did it inspire her?? that's a whole paragraph that can replace your first one. good luck!!

[cheesy145]

I agree with the other criticisms. The first paragraph does nothing to grab the reader. You need something engaging to start off with. Also it seems contradictory when you say you don't want to make a lot of money and then complain about living pay check to pay check. If I was an aissions officer I would question whether you would stick to public interest law or go for better paying jobs.

The topics not bad but I don't think its terribly original. You said your case was too complex for a pro bono attorney. Why is that? Is there something interesting about your case that could make your PS more interesting?