first PS draft, looking for critique, be brutally honest!! Forum

[errl710]

I wrote this this morning, and its super rough, but I just wanted to see the general reaction to my topic and hear y'all's critique!! I was skeptical to write on this because addiction is seen as negative, but like I said, this is the first draft and i expect to edit it a ton and possibly even re write it.

For as long as I can remember, I have been told I have an addictive personality. I never really liked hearing this because I always took addiction with a negative connotation, however, growing up there was a noticeable trend: I would see or try something once, then consume myself with that idea or activity. This frightened me. I was worried something innate to me would result in serious implications as an adult. However, it was this fear that my own personality would eventually be my downfall that lead me to view my addictive personality as one of passion, and if properly placed, could be very beneficial.

My first addiction was hockey, and growing up in Texas, this was not the norm. Friday nights when all my friends would be going to the high school football game, I would head to the rink for practice. I remember kids at my school telling me how unfortunate it was I had to practice on Friday nights, and despite agreeing with them out loud, I secretly loved it. I loved it because I was passionate about it, and I excelled because of this passion. I went on through my hockey career to earn the captain position on numerous teams, win a state championship, compete in multiple national championships and eventually play in one of the top under-18 hockey leagues in the United States as a senior in high school.

It was during my senior year I was presented with a very hard and important decision: to sacrifice three years of college to continue playing hockey, or to give up my first addiction and go to college. My parents told me they would fully support me either way, so the full weight of this decision rested with me. I had to let my coaches know my future plans relatively early so they could inform the scouts. Everyone on my team had made their decision quickly and easily; they were going to forgo three years of college to continue playing hockey and “living the dream”. It took me a little longer, and after much deliberation, I told my coaches I had decided that I would be attending college. I remember making this decision and immediately wondering if it was the right one. After all, I was the only kid on my team who decided to give up hockey for college.

During my freshman year at the University of _________, I really began to think I made the wrong decision. There was a void in my life; for once I was without an addiction. I found myself with a suffering GPA and stuck in a major that I had no passion for. I came back sophomore year and stuck out one more semester in the wrong major and knew something had to change.

It was around this time that the 2012 presidential election was going on. I had never really paid attention to politics, but when watching this election play out, something felt different. I was immersed and attentive to every aspect of the race. This was partly because I found myself in a unique political middle ground; having grown up in the conservative south and having been raised by Canadian parents, and spending ample time in Canada as a kid, I had no political convictions. As I researched candidates and their policies, I found myself able to see both conservative and liberal sides of many issues.

After a lot of researching, I realized how much I did not know on this topic, and I craved more knowledge on it. So, I decided to change my major to political science, and in it, I found a new addiction. I actually enjoyed going to class and felt a passion for what I was learning. For the first time, something replaced that feeling I felt every time I stepped on the ice, and for the first time, my decision to go to college felt validated.

After changing my major two years ago I find myself graduating college a semester early and wondering, what is next? Through my political science classes I found my greatest passion to be in those concerning the law. But these classes barely scratched the surface, and like I felt right before I switched my major, I find myself craving more knowledge on the topic. Because of this, I am choosing to apply to law school to continue fueling my passion and living my dream. Unlike my choice in high school to attend college, this decision doesn't need to be validated because I know it is the right one.

My addictive personality has driven me to excel in many areas before, and I believe that this coupled with my polarized up bringing will lead me to excel in my legal education. I look forward to learning in an environment with individuals who share my same passion and are open to discussing both sides of an issue.

[McAvoy]

so the thesis is that you're addicted (or going to be addicted) to the law? barf

[errl710]

I guess i don't really have a clear thesis yet, so thanks for the critique. But what i am going for is my addictive personality has driven me to success before in areas that i find rewarding, so it will continue to fuel my success in the future.

Writing it out like that i realize i need to come up with a concrete thesis.. thanks.

anyone else have some honest critiques (bad or good) for me? i want to hear them all, but specifically the bad, so i know what to change!

[cmscott12]

Your writing looks good enough that you'll eventually be able to put together a solid PS. You took to long to get to the point and once you got there, it didn't pan out into anything that made me think "wow, this kid needs to go to law school". Also, you're right that addiction is just not that great of a theme no matter how you spin it. Maybe dig deeper into the internal struggle between hockey vs. college. It would be helpful to know your numbers because unless they are stellar, you probably shouldn't talk about how you struggled to get your shit together in college. Or dig into the moment when you became passionate about politics and then segue into passion for the law. A structure I've seen as effective is 1.) Punch up front, 2.) Tell a specific story, 3.) Then synthesize that into something that suggests you have the desire and aptitude for law school. That's by no means the only structure but it worked for me. Also, make sure you don't put too much stock into what people say on TLS. Trusted friends and family are much better. Good luck.

[jewkidontheblock]

The concept is intriguing, but it's a little bit barfy for my taste. I think using the word addiction only to describe your passion for activities you enjoy/excel in is too cliche and a little braggy. Try incorporating something a little bit more relatable but not too harmful to the image of yourself that you want to pass along to an admissions committee.

Example: addiction to playing with dinosaurs/video games/whatever --> transformed over the years into hockey, politics, etc. You need to still be relatable, and an addiction to the law is everything but.

[errl710]

okay so how its looking is addiction is the wrong route… I'm glad you guys are taking the time to read and help me with this because its hard to critique myself. ill put some more thought into it and really try to hammer something out that is, as y'all say, not as barfy!

so my GPA is: 3.55 (freshman year was 3.0)
LSAT: just took it, but i was PTing 163-167, but who knows on the actual thing. I had LR-RC-LR-LR-LG and I'm hoping third LR (4th section) was experimental because i felt like i did not perform on that section.

[McAvoy]

Also, make sure you don't put too much stock into what people say on TLS. Trusted friends and family are much better.

I agree with the rest of your post, but this is terrible advice.

Yes, OP, make sure to ask your friends and parents to glance over your statement so they can say "they liked it" and tell you how good your writing is

[Skool]

I agree with the rest of your post, but this is terrible advice.

The value of the advice is for OP to decide.

I think framing it in terms of having an "addictive personality" is very unhelpful. I immediately questioned you judgment and professionalism. The only worse initial first impression is if you made me question your sanity.

The addictive personality thing is problematic because the legal profession has notoriously high rates of depression and substance abuse compared to other professions. Do I want to let another bad statistic into the profession, if I'm an adcom?

This is the kind of link Op's family might not pick up on. But then again, It's not like I care if OP gets into law school, let alone whether he lives or dies, so letting people who know you read it might add some value too.

[CanadianWolf]

Your theme doesn't work, in my opinion. ("Addiction" is negative, whereas "hard-working & dedicated" is positive. )

Regardless of the theme, your essay is structured in a weak fashion. Start with a basic 5 paragraph structure : ( Introduction = tell 'em what you're going to tell 'em; then use the next three paragraphs to tell them; then use a concluding paragraph to tell them what you just told 'em). This basic format should deliver your message in a more clear manner.

[pancakes3]

Eh, don't put too much sweat equity into the PS. GPA/LSAT still trumps all. Seeing as how this isn't 250 words nor about how you parlayed hockey into a gold medal, a plain vanilla essay that passes the spell-check will probably suffice for whatever non HYS you're applying to.

[cmscott12]

Also, make sure you don't put too much stock into what people say on TLS. Trusted friends and family are much better.

I agree with the rest of your post, but this is terrible advice.

Yes, OP, make sure to ask your friends and parents to glance over your statement so they can say "they liked it" and tell you how good your writing is

Trusted Friends & Family vs. Anonymous Internet People with no vested interest in your success/future. Tough choice....

If you can't find a friend or family member to give you honest feedback, hire a consultant or send it off to an essay service.

[McAvoy]

Also, make sure you don't put too much stock into what people say on TLS. Trusted friends and family are much better.

I agree with the rest of your post, but this is terrible advice.

Yes, OP, make sure to ask your friends and parents to glance over your statement so they can say "they liked it" and tell you how good your writing is

Trusted Friends & Family vs. Anonymous Internet People with no vested interest in your success/future. Tough choice....

If you can't find a friend or family member to give you honest feedback, hire a consultant or send it off to an essay service.

I suppose if your parents and close friends went to college and are legitimately good writers and "book smart" people whom you can trust to be objective and give critical feedback, sure; most people don't have such an environment though. Doing statement swaps on TLS and asking a professor or two to give you feedback on a final draft is more than enough -- paying some service for a PS is likely going to be a waste.

[03152016]

Also, make sure you don't put too much stock into what people say on TLS. Trusted friends and family are much better.

I agree with the rest of your post, but this is terrible advice.

Yes, OP, make sure to ask your friends and parents to glance over your statement so they can say "they liked it" and tell you how good your writing is

Trusted Friends & Family vs. Anonymous Internet People with no vested interest in your success/future. Tough choice....

If you can't find a friend or family member to give you honest feedback, hire a consultant or send it off to an essay service.

speaking very generally, friends/family tend to give horrible advice about law school (assuming they're not lawyers)

[cmscott12]

Also, make sure you don't put too much stock into what people say on TLS. Trusted friends and family are much better.

I agree with the rest of your post, but this is terrible advice.

Yes, OP, make sure to ask your friends and parents to glance over your statement so they can say "they liked it" and tell you how good your writing is

Trusted Friends & Family vs. Anonymous Internet People with no vested interest in your success/future. Tough choice....

If you can't find a friend or family member to give you honest feedback, hire a consultant or send it off to an essay service.

I suppose if your parents and close friends went to college and are legitimately good writers and "book smart" people whom you can trust to be objective and give critical feedback, sure; most people don't have such an environment though. Doing statement swaps on TLS and asking a professor or two to give you feedback on a final draft is more than enough -- paying some service for a PS is likely going to be a waste.

Let me rephrase.

Any trusted person, who has a command of the english language, will, more likely than not, give you better advice on your personal statement than will a random person on TLS whose credibility is judged solely on the amount of posts they have or the degree to which they make it appear, anonymously, that they know what they are talking about.

I am giving OP the benefit of the doubt that he/she can separate the wheat from the chaff.

Most people on this site have been, or are going through one admission cycle, and only have experience with their own application - myself included. On its own, being a member of the TLS forums does not garner credibility of any description. In most cases, the people on TLS who demonstrate true credibility on aspects of law school admissions do so by virtue of a reputation that exists outside of TLS entirely.

Assuming you do a cursory amount of research, "paying some service," is actually likely not going to be a waste. A lot of it depends on your definition of a "waste" but considering the cost of law school and importance of scholarship money, paying a reputable service to help you out makes a lot of sense. Of course, you can't waste money you never had in the first place. It's the same reason you would pay for a lawyer versus just taking the public defender, assuming that paying for a lawyer was ever an option. Doesn't necessarily mean the public defender wouldn't be sufficient, but paying for a reputable attorney is usually a wise move if you can.

OP - Trust your instincts and take what you hear on this website with a grain of salt. You don't even have to believe a word I'm saying. That's the bottom line.

[cmscott12]

Also, make sure you don't put too much stock into what people say on TLS. Trusted friends and family are much better.

I agree with the rest of your post, but this is terrible advice.

Yes, OP, make sure to ask your friends and parents to glance over your statement so they can say "they liked it" and tell you how good your writing is

Trusted Friends & Family vs. Anonymous Internet People with no vested interest in your success/future. Tough choice....

If you can't find a friend or family member to give you honest feedback, hire a consultant or send it off to an essay service.

speaking very generally, friends/family tend to give horrible advice about law school (assuming they're not lawyers)

That statement really doesn't apply here. We are talking about OP's Personal Statement. However, I do tend to agree with you as it applies to law school in general.

[McAvoy]

LOL @ post count = credibility

[03152016]

That statement really doesn't apply here. We are talking about OP's Personal Statement. However, I do tend to agree with you as it applies to law school in general.

what do friends and family know about what ad comms are looking for
(hint: nothing)

[sfoglia]

so the thesis is that you're addicted (or going to be addicted) to the law? barf

Personal statements don't have theses.

[bjsesq]

That statement really doesn't apply here. We are talking about OP's Personal Statement. However, I do tend to agree with you as it applies to law school in general.

Yeah. Better to ask people emotionally invested in how smart you are rather than a website full of people who have gone through this shit before. 10/10. Would bang.

[McAvoy]

so the thesis is that you're addicted (or going to be addicted) to the law? barf

Personal statements don't have theses.

this one does?

[Johann]

talk about just winning some championship for hockey or playing in the big game as the intro so they know a little about you and how shortly after you had to choose hockey or school. how everyone on your team chose hockey. basically you have a perspective no one else does, everyone just goes to college because their friends do. say you thought about education and all the places it could lead you and it made you assess your goals early on in life. you chose school because XYZ and always thought law school after would be the goal because your skills fit with that. then just say at the end you know you made the right choice because youre about to realize the goal that you set at age 18. the interesting part of this story is the dilemma of hockey vs school and that should be the focus.