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[BruiserWoods]

Any feedback would be much appreciated - thank you!

Tenacity has always been a constant in my life, and it is with this tenacity that I have devoured the ability to communicate. Music was the first language I learned, whisking me into a love affair with not only its beauty but its reasonableness. Through the airy technicalities of the flute to the sonorous strumming of the cello, playing an instrument offered a rare form of structure in my life; step by step I would learn fingerings, scales, exercises – and step by step the effort I put in would produce a result.

Singing lessons marked a turning point in my musical training. Between the arpeggios and scales I spent months improving to the point of being ready for competition; selecting a number by Aretha Franklin, I approached the piece with the same dedication to technique and practice I had fervently spent on the flute and cello. Yet when I performed the song for my teacher, she sat me down and told me, “When Aretha Franklin sang, her words meant something – she had a message, and she wanted people to hear it.” This was how I learned purpose.

Though I had taken solace in the precision of the notes, I had been afraid to express a message of my own. Singing became a new practice to me, one of self-reflection and exploration of how one can bring greater meaning to the technical. Slowly I went from choir member to soloist, and from soloist to performer. My voice was never particularly special in its range, as anyone could hear the strain on the higher notes, nor was it particularly beautiful in its tone, with its dull rasp hidden behind the vibrato. But amidst the swoops and crescendos, the mournful swoons, and the deep, dark quality, I had a story to tell – and I could make people listen.

The next great language in my life was that of debate, one which erupted into fluency in the adrenaline filled rush of the finals of the regional debate tournament. My opponent was a senior with three years of varsity under his belt, I a freshman who had never seen a varsity round in my life. Before the round began we both sat enmeshed in the eerie silence of the hallway, I trying to focus on my case as he and his friend chatted openly. It was only as their voices hushed to a whisper that I noticed their topic of discussion – how he was not worried about a round with a girl as ugly as me. In that moment of surprise my head sprang up and we made eye contact – but his only reaction was to laugh and walk away. For a moment there was nothing but hollowness beneath my skin, and then a spark of anger flashed inside of me.

The thing I loved most about debate was its rationality; to have a round decided based on my reasoning was a rare outlet I relished. In the wake of his comment my mind whirled around the possibilities before me: to confront him angrily, to complain to my coach, to say nothing; it was not just a question of how to react to one rude stranger – it was a question of my character. I realized then that while there were many situations I had no control over, this was not one of them. I had the opportunity to stand up for myself, and I wasn’t going to let that go to waste.

When the round began I absorbed every word that dripped from his mouth with a focus I’d never known, and with electricity on the tip of my tongue I began to deconstruct his case. The match I was supposedly bound to lose ended with the judges conferring a unanimous decision upon me: victory. This was the day I learned not just how to endure, but how to overcome.

Music and debate were just a few of the forms of communication I’ve pursed in my life, yet like French or Chinese they comprise two very different parts of me. With discipline and rationality I am able to focus on the things I can change and take a stand; at the same time, I am able to derive passion from the technical and influence others in the process. As I became more involved with politics I began to see a greater portion of the world – a world where disrespect towards women is larger than being reduced to your appearance, and where affecting change requires vision along with ability. I move forward with not just the confidence to address the problems I see, but the purpose and courage to try.

[wombat2111]

I think your writing style and word choices create some nice imagery in places, but there are other places where you are reaching. For example, I'm not sure I buy the idea of a love affair with the "reasonableness" of music or that you learned the language of music before your native tongue.

I think it would be good to better connect music and debate with each other. That transition is abrupt. I would also try to develop a solid thesis that introduces you and communication in the intro rather than going straight into the discussion of music.

I would also scrap the conclusion as is. It feels like it's cut and paste from an earlier draft—it doesn't quite fit. Maybe try a new tactic.

I think the topic has potential, but I think you need to outline the structure a little more before your next draft. Actually, if singing is still an influence in your life, you might consider writing the whole thing on the journey from instruments to singing.

[smile0751]

Did you do debate in college or in high school? If you are talking about high school, the reference might be dated and it might be more advantageous to focus on a more recent example form of communication.

Also, I think this part "As I became more involved with politics I began to see a greater portion of the world – a world where disrespect towards women is larger than being reduced to your appearance, and where affecting change requires vision along with ability. I move forward with not just the confidence to address the problems I see, but the purpose and courage to try." comes in kind of randomly, but sounds interesting. I think if you expanded on your experience with politics and how you saw disrespect and other important issues, you might have a stronger statement.

Otherwise, maybe tie in a bit more "Why Law" in your final paragraph. Others might tell you different, but I think a forward looking statement at the end might tie everything together better.