To the Blood Thirsty Masses, I submit tribute. Forum

[charlesacar]

Hi Brother and Sisters in Arms,

I have a rough draft that I would like your input on. Not on the grammar or spelling or syntax even (although if you love ripping that stuff apart go crazy). I am really just looking to gauge the general persuasiveness, emotional/intellectual response that my topic elicits. I don't want to spend a lot of time developing a draft if my concept is faulty to begin with. Does that make sense?

Thank you in advance and even if you are super rude/angry/anal I still appreciate the consideration.




Money. I have been abnormally preoccupied with Money for most of my life. I realized its importance much earlier than most people. So early, that when I try to recall my first memories from adolescence I don't remember my grandparents faces or playing with my sisters. I remember my father borrowing my allowance to buy us a package of skirts steak for dinner. I remember being no older than 8 and seeing my patents ATM receipt and the intense rush of anxiety I felt at seeing the negative balance.
Those were the stable days. Before my father left and we were still a two-income household. The days where even if my parents had to take out loans from me and my sisters they always put dinner on the table. Then I remember when the dinners stopped. I remember coming home to an empty apartment in grade school because my mother worked nights and my sisters were exploring their newfound freedom, absent the strict supervision they had known for so long. I remember my mother kept a clay jar with loose change on her dresser. I remember how excited I would get when I could scrape together a full dollar because it meant I could get a piece of bread, two bags of chips, and a juice. Or just four bags of chips, which is the epitome of fine dining to a ten-year-old boy. These experiences motivated me to want one thing and one thing only: a job.
I got my first job at the age of 12. I would wait outside the local bodega and help people carry their bags to their cars or their apartment buildings. I went on to have many jobs. Between the ages of 12 and 16 I was a street sweeper, dog groomers apprentice, dog walker, waiter, and Target cashier. I hit the big time when I got a job as a doorman my sophomore year of high school; 9.75 an hour plus holiday tips. By my junior year I switched to overnights because they offered me an even 12.00 an hour. I would spend my nights reading Philip Roth novels and my mornings sleeping through English class. You see, no one paid me to go to school and I had already read the catcher in the rye when I was 10 and hated it. As far as I was concerned school got in the way of my bottom line.
Obviously, something changed. The simple fact that you are reading this means I didn't drop out of school to become a doorman/gas station attendant. I wish I could say I had some intellectual metamorphosis but the simple truth is I had a pregnancy scare my senior year and realized I didn't want to be like my father, borrowing his son's allowance to put food on the table. So I spent my college years largely neglecting my classes while carefully pruning my GPA down to the range it needed to be for internships. I was in school for one reason: to get a better job.
College is a very odd institution though. They give you a place to live that doesn't have rats or roaches. They give you heat in the winter and ac in the summer. They feed you and if you join enough clubs they even end up clothing you too. Suddenly, Money was becoming less and less of a problem. Sure, I couldn't afford my textbooks most semesters but I have always been a good listener.
The important thing about my college experience is that for the first time in a long time I didn't have to actively participate in my own survival. I didn't have to worry about Money (as much) and this was unfamiliar territory to me. Suddenly a job didn't seem that important to me as my empty mind started filling up with odd thoughts such as, why are we here? What is the meaning of life? However, with debt and graduation looming, Money again became my main mode of operation. Thankfully, I got a job at Google, which saved me from crippling debt and an existential crisis. In the process however it also effectively removed Money as a concern from my life. How could that be? Google is generous but it certainly hasn't made me a Silicon Valley sheik by any means. However, it has paid me well enough that I can settle all my bills, help out my sister and nieces, take care of my mother and still have savings. For the first time in my life since I was 8, money (small “m”) is no longer a concern (at all).
So what now? My mind has been free to wrestle with all the mysteries of the universe. Selfishly though, I quickly turned to one principle thought: what do I want? If you asked me when I was a stoic, nervous, and frugal 8 year old, I would of quickly answered "to be rich". I looked back on my life and I've found the only times I have ever really been happy are when I am being useful to the world around me. That is what makes me feel like a person. Money feeds me but it can't make me whole.
Our ancestors developed farming and as a result realized they needed to do something else with the time they used to spend on hunting. They used it to create art and culture. I got a job that pays a livable wage and I realized I had time to be a human being. I used this time to apply to law school (which some may say is an art in its own right). Not because I am bad at math or because my patents told me to (which seem to be popular reasons with my peers). But because for the first time I don't want a job I want a life. Law is an avenue by which I can add something to this world and not being broke has made me realize when I die I don't want my life to measured in dollars, I want it to be measured in impact.

[sirstynkalot]

Hey, good work, trying to keep this short so please don't mind the clipped phrases.

Don't start with a single word. Always use complete sentences. Starting with "I have been..." is just fine.

Were it my decision, I'd probably cut the caps play on Money. I get the gist from the content. Don't use intentional errors in general unless you're an English professor. There are a lot of conventions around those and they're quite jarring if there are unintentional errors in the paper.

"those were the stable days before..." No period.

neglect of academics in high school makes sense. keep it. Don't push it so hard on your college years. Law schools aren't likely to want to hear that you neglected your studies ALL the way through because you were focused on making money. That's not a set of values they're likely to want openly professed in their incoming class. It's crass even if it's true for a lot of the folks there. You can just as easily pitch the same concept in a way that reflects better on you.

cut words like "obviously." If you have to say "obviously" then it isn't obvious. There are a few other conversational english errors like that. Same with "simple truth." That whole sentence is a disjointed run-on. Could probably stand to rework that paragraph since your essay hinges on it. I'd also gloss over "pruning down my GPA."

cut the small inserts like (as much) and (at all). Google parenthesis use in academic writing.

rhetorical questions are weak in general and bad transitions.

"I looked back on my life and..." sentence is unexplained and jerks the conclusion in a different direction. I'd imagine that admissions officers are going to be wondering if they're training someone with potential C&F issues in the future if they're so intent on money now and try to shoehorn in "helping people" at the end. You did a great job explaining why money was important to you in the past. Now you need to give an equal amount of insight to how you've changed.

Similarly, cut the references to ancestors. The history of civilization in three breaths has never helped a paper. Valuable words you could be using to describe a recent colorful event that made you question your fixation on money and rekindled your interest in "helping people." Also, what do you mean by "helping people?" That's vague. I give bums a dollar or cigarette every so often which I think is helping people but it has nothing to do with going to law school.

I'd also cut references to money in the concluding paragraph as much as possible. We know it's still something you think about in ways the admissions officers have probably never had to. This is your chance to say "I'm a damned unicorn." Because you are. S'why I bothered responding. I wish you success. The fact remains that every other applicant they're interviewing wants to put food on the table for the rest of their life too. That's your last chance to sell yourself, so sell what you're bringing to THEIR table, if you catch my drift.

Those are my uninformed thoughts anyway. I'm an applicant too and not in any particular position to know more than you about what they're looking for. Hope they help. Good luck!

[Big Dog]

The diversity that you bring -- growing up poor and working your way through school -- is a good one. But it is too long, IMO. And my reaction is stated in your one line:

So what now?

If I was an adcom, that is exactly what I would be thinking. My job is to assemble a class of individuals, and the only thing I know about you today is that you work at Google. In other words, as adcom, I know almost nothing of what you would bring to my class today (besides the fact that you grew up poor).

when I die I don't want my life to measured in dollars, I want it to be measured in impact

Become a social worker. A teacher. A fireman/woman. A nurse. Work at an Aids Clinic. My point is that there are thousands of jobs where one can make an impact. And just bcos Google doesn't do it for you, the logical next step is not necessarily law school. Make the connection.