New to TLS.com, please critique my personal statement! Forum

[jose.ortiz.1725]

I toyed with a few ideas before writing this, but this seemed the most relevant/real to my personal experiences. PLEASE feel free to comment on anything on this from topic to grammar (I have thick skin so don't be afraid to be terse). Any help advice is much appreciated! Thank you!

Personal Statement

Put bluntly, growing up was not easy for me. I spent my early childhood living in a troubled neighborhood where people would literally get shot for hanging around with the wrong crowd, where kids as young as 11 were being initiated into gangs (usually involving physical or sexual violence), and where aspirations for life were about as low as they get. Although the majority of my childhood wasn’t spent in that neighborhood, that is where my story began. Eventually my family moved away from Los Angeles and up to central California where there were a lot of relatives. I remember having to move from one family member’s house to another. At one point my entire immediate family, all six of us, was living in my aunt’s garage. After years of hard work, sacrifice, and an abundance of help my mom was able to find a home for us to live in. Not a garage or spare bedroom, an actual home. Unfortunately this did not last long. Our home was so old and run down that it had to be demolished. So once again, we moved into the house of a family member. Although I did not realize it at the time of these difficulties, it would have been next to impossible for my mom to support us all by herself. Through every difficulty, there was always somebody there to make sure that we made it through.
By the time I was in high school the idea of helping those less fortunate was deeply ingrained into my belief system. This was partly due to the fact that my mom would ensure that we were grateful for everything we got, no matter how small or insignificant it seemed. Mostly though, I realized the importance of helping others because of my personal experiences and how life changing it can be for people who truly need it. Around my sophomore year in high school I joined a mentorship program (that I had previously been a student of) which focused on teaching junior high kids good values as well as helping them through personal problems. This helped to reinforce my own values and served as a starting point for my journey towards helping others and making a difference. Eventually I graduated high school and began college with the belief that I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I thought to myself that I would transfer to a good school and get a business degree. With this business degree I would make a lot of money so that I would never have to struggle to take care of my family like my mom had to. It was not until I joined a unique organization that I realized my life aspirations should be greater than what they originally were.
This organization was called Students for Social Justice and it focused on discussing issues relevant to helping the local community and implementing plans of action for its members to make a difference. I even attended an ACLU conference in Sacramento, CA where I was able to talk to a lawyer whose focus was pro-bono work for people who couldn’t afford attorney fees. By the end of that year, after participating in several community service projects and talking with my professors, I realized that I did not want my life’s focus to just be making money and living comfortably. From then on I knew that I wanted a big part of my life to be helping those who are less fortunate. It didn’t come to me at first, but eventually I realized that one of the most effective ways to go about doing this is by having the knowledge and ability to affect law. Naturally, this is what prompted me to want to become a lawyer. The idea of helping others and standing up for those who couldn’t stand up for themselves is the unique perspective that I carry with me now.
As a potential law school student I know that my strong motivation to succeed will help me succeed and overcome any challenges that I face. Living through these experiences and witnessing first-hand the importance of helping others is what has pushed me to this point in my life. Every time I think of giving up I remember all the hard work and sacrifice that has gone into getting myself to where I am now. It is what drives me to do the best that I can in everything I do and to become as educated as I can to make the biggest impact possible. I know that making a difference and affecting policies regarding social welfare can take years of hard work achieve, but it all starts here. It all begins with the desire to make change happen and taking the correct steps towards that. This may just be my first step, but I know with absolute certainty that it is the right one.

[Arad]

I have yet to apply to law school so take my advice with a grain of salt.

I think there is a lot of great substance here. Having said that, the writing needs a lot of work. Try livening it up a bit.
EX: Instead of "So once again, we moved into the house of a family member," try "yet again, we found ourselves sleeping on the floor of a family member's guest bedroom." It won't make or break your PS but it'll make it a more interesting read.

I do not like the hit you in the face intro. You have a lot of unique experiences that can be used to create a very captivating introduction.

I would also exclude the business/making money part. It doesn't add substance, and when I was reading it I thought that there is a possibility that you just want BigLaw and that your proclaimed aspirations are just a BS way to be more likable.

[jose.ortiz.1725]

I have yet to apply to law school so take my advice with a grain of salt.

I think there is a lot of great substance here. Having said that, the writing needs a lot of work. Try livening it up a bit.
EX: Instead of "So once again, we moved into the house of a family member," try "yet again, we found ourselves sleeping on the floor of a family member's guest bedroom." It won't make or break your PS but it'll make it a more interesting read.

I do not like the hit you in the face intro. You have a lot of unique experiences that can be used to create a very captivating introduction.

I would also exclude the business/making money part. It doesn't add substance, and when I was reading it I thought that there is a possibility that you just want BigLaw and that your proclaimed aspirations are just a BS way to be more likable.

Thank you for the advice! Yeah, I thought about that whole business/money thing too. Any recommendations for a smoother introduction that is still captivating?

[rion91]

my two cents, but intro doesn't really grab my attention about YOU. plus it's too casual e.g. using "literally" or "eventually" and contractions "wasn't" and "couldn't"

make sure almost every sentence says something about YOU. and if it doesn't, the next sentence better do so. that's why starting out with a story might help to hook the reader in because it says something about YOU, not just what was around you at the time.

i'd recommend starting out with something much more hooking like "it was the fourth place I had called home in two years." or "imagine watching your home being demolished in front of your own eyes, with nowhere to go."

gl!

ps: "to put it bluntly" is cliché (or anything similar like "i'll cut to the chase"), avoid usage

[whatsyourdeal]

basically, its terrible, but redeemable.

you have a good frame in place: you're trying to convey that you made it from the bottom to the top. the pieces are there, but its all over the place.

your narrative voice is trying to tell many different stories ("i grew up in the hood" + "i bounced around from house to house" + "i am an idealist"); you really need to buckle down and just tell one story.

the writing is too wordy as well. consider that the reviewer is going to read about anywhere from 10-50 personal statements that day (as a student adcomm, i read about 5 during lunch a day for 3 days a week); you need to make an impact with every word. sentences should be short and active, not long and passive (that will put a reader to sleep).

also, this ps quickly went from your personal struggle to your evolution into a freedom fighter that cares little about money. the sad reality is that it is bs at worst or naivete at best: try being pro bono when you are facing 200k + in loans. ps reviewers will see this right away and might assume other things about you (you are incredibly naive or are just bsing). if i were you, i'd just focus on my personal struggle about how i made it out of poverty and how it developed my work ethic/personality etc.; anything unrelated to how or why i want to attend law school.

my suggestion is to sit down with someone and brainstorm on crafting a good theme and narrative to drive the point home. blueprint has a good ps service, but might be too steep. past threads on this board would be a good source as well. and of course, anna ivey's how to get into law school book is a great source as well. good luck op.

[jose.ortiz.1725]

Thanks for all the feedback everyone! I've definitely made some changes and appreciate the points made!!