rewrite... Forum

[janborn]

back to start again...

[lurkerrr]

my 2 cents: you spent way too much time explaining one-child policy and how it affected the Chinese society, probably think about writing more about how that influenced you? I know you have already done that in the latter part of the statement, but AO would likely expect something more.

[janborn]

my 2 cents: you spent way too much time explaining one-child policy and how it affected the Chinese society, probably think about writing more about how that influenced you? I know you have already done that in the latter part of the statement, but AO would likely expect something more.

thanks for your comment. I also think it's not personal enough.

[doing_it_in_a_car]

Way too much text wasted on explaining things and trying to force the analogy to cooking fish. You need to make the PS more personal. Make it a story with details - place yourself in the action. Don't just narrate some mental thought adventure.

Growing up as the fourth child while the One Child Policy was in effect could make an interesting story, but you need details to tell it right. I like the part about the biker gang - that inspires a real sense of anxiety/suspense. you should build on that - did you ever have to hide? Or make up a fake name to pretend you weren't associated with your parents? or were you ever sent away to live with another relative to prevent the local government from catching on?

Try to create a narrative out of some experiences in relation to a theme. I think you could make a compelling PS based on your background as an illegal extra child, which inspired you to think about how society should balance the welfare of the many versus the rights of the individual in determining the law - and thereby you became interested in law. You could narrate a few specific situations/incidents that occurred throughout your life that changed your ideas about this balance. If you do go with this theme, I'd advise treating it with more complexity than you did previously. For example, it was not clear to me what you were trying to say here: " many laws were enacted because they had to be, and thus to enforce them became difficult. Under this circumstances, threatening to smash the houses showed a kind of realism wisdom of local authority, though it was too violating and risked the crumbling of the fish. But they still did a better job than me."

There are also some minor grammatical errors - but that can be dealt with after fixing the big picture.

[janborn]

Way too much text wasted on explaining things and trying to force the analogy to cooking fish. You need to make the PS more personal. Make it a story with details - place yourself in the action. Don't just narrate some mental thought adventure.

Growing up as the fourth child while the One Child Policy was in effect could make an interesting story, but you need details to tell it right. I like the part about the biker gang - that inspires a real sense of anxiety/suspense. you should build on that - did you ever have to hide? Or make up a fake name to pretend you weren't associated with your parents? or were you ever sent away to live with another relative to prevent the local government from catching on?

Try to create a narrative out of some experiences in relation to a theme. I think you could make a compelling PS based on your background as an illegal extra child, which inspired you to think about how society should balance the welfare of the many versus the rights of the individual in determining the law - and thereby you became interested in law. You could narrate a few specific situations/incidents that occurred throughout your life that changed your ideas about this balance. If you do go with this theme, I'd advise treating it with more complexity than you did previously. For example, it was not clear to me what you were trying to say here: " many laws were enacted because they had to be, and thus to enforce them became difficult. Under this circumstances, threatening to smash the houses showed a kind of realism wisdom of local authority, though it was too violating and risked the crumbling of the fish. But they still did a better job than me."

There are also some minor grammatical errors - but that can be dealt with after fixing the big picture.

thank you very much, it's very helpful.
Actually i was planning to write it in the way you suggest, but the idea was kinda of slipping away when begin writing.
I will try again, really appreciate your opinion.