Rough Draft- 1 Forum

[KamronK]

I was at work, repairing an ancient pair of glasses belonging to a lady who attended my university almost seven decades ago when it was still a state college. We connected as fellow alumni and had a lengthy conversation about the past and present of our school, our lives and our plans for the near future. As I handed back her glasses, she thanked me for the repair and she gave me a compliment that stuck with me. She told me that I would make a great lawyer. This was a meaningful compliment because it wasn’t the usual “you’re good at arguing” that isn’t truly applicable to the study of law. Rather, she said that it is because I listen.

I have always been a good listener, albeit for different reasons over time. I’m a first-generation American with a father and mother who emigrated from Iran during the Iranian Revolution and the Iran-Iraq War, respectively. They never spoke English to me so that I wouldn’t develop their accent. As a result, I was an ESL student in my first two years in school, making communication and assimilation a little more difficult for me. I also struggled with my weight as I was growing up. I was an emotional eater and in my 23 years I have not found a single food item that I dislike. The combination of being from a different culture and the fat kid in class brought about a crippling shyness that kept me quiet until very late in high school. Listening was all I did. My journey of finding myself and becoming more disciplined taught me two lessons; I have value and everyone has a story.

People no longer believe me when I speak about my weight problems. I take that as a compliment, but the mentality behind that type of eating is something that I still battle daily. When I first received my driver’s license, I had access to any restaurant that I wanted to go to. I would often stop by multiple drive-thrus in a row before heading home for dinner because I couldn’t stop eating until my cravings were satisfied. I was ashamed and felt weak mentally and physically. Then, I found weightlifting. Naturally, my first motivation to begin lifting was to increase my ability to eat more without gaining unwanted weight. Over time, that motivation evolved into a lifestyle change. I’m a very competitive and results-oriented person, so it was incredibly motivating for me to witness a noticeable improvement in my performance every week. The energy and strength that I built through my new hobby inspired me to work on improving my diet and become better every single day. I remember how powerful that feeling was, so I wanted to help others take that step in their lives. I quickly earned my personal training certificate while working at the recreation center at my university. I built my own book of clients from various demographics. My clients ranged in age from 18-67 and came from all across the country. I enjoyed the opportunity to use my knowledge and experiences to help them bring a change in their lives. Not only was I excited about the improvements they were making, but I was also genuinely interested in hearing about their lives. Without getting too detailed, the stories I heard ranged from battling cancer to anxiety about asking a girl out to a fraternity event. My experience personal training further reinforced my belief in the value of listening.

I listen because every single person that you encounter can teach you something that will help in your growth. When I begin to be frustrated with someone, I think about all that I have experienced in two decades and I understand that each person has also had their own journey that has brought them to this point and has an effect on the actions that they take. Listening helps you to understand these motivations. When you begin to think, “I wonder what caused this person to behave this way,” instead of becoming angry, you are able to look at events more objectively over time.

I know that the skills I have developed will aid me in the study and practice of law.

[KamronK]

I got some great advice last year when I was making an attempt at this. I would appreciate any direction I can get here. Thanks, guys!

[Ramius]

This won't be entirely helpful because I stopped reading after the following:

The love I have for this country is matched by few others because I understand how fortunate I am to have been born in the land of opportunity

You can't include this in your personal statement. It takes your, "I'm unique as an Iranian American and I love this land of opportunity" from gracious and humble to crass and tone deaf. No adcom will want to start off this statement reading about how you're a truly great American because you appreciate the freedom it provides.

[ymmv]

This won't be entirely helpful because I stopped reading after the following:

The love I have for this country is matched by few others because I understand how fortunate I am to have been born in the land of opportunity

You can't include this in your personal statement. It takes your, "I'm unique as an Iranian American and I love this land of opportunity" from gracious and humble to crass and tone deaf. No adcom will want to start off this statement reading about how you're a truly great American because you appreciate the freedom it provides.

Everything about this PS is tone deaf. The sweeping generalizations, the lifestyle porn, the dirty laundry, the politically charged commentary, the condescending mission statement - it's all gotta go. This is the rare PS that causes an adcom to think very carefully about just how much they actually want your 177.

[KamronK]

Fixed and taking a new direction. I have a very short first draft of my personal statement prepared. Please let me know if you're willing to look it over for me and I'll message you! 490 words

[KamronK]

Updated with my most recent draft. Please let me know where I can improve. I'm also trying to figure out how to bring it all together for a conclusion.

My main concern is that I come off as insincere, even though I truly believe in the value of taking time to listen to people and connecting with them. It sounds obvious too, but it's something that many people don't seem to do...

[Ramius]

Updated with my most recent draft. Please let me know where I can improve. I'm also trying to figure out how to bring it all together for a conclusion.

My main concern is that I come off as insincere, even though I truly believe in the value of taking time to listen to people and connecting with them. It sounds obvious too, but it's something that many people don't seem to do...

Let me start this by saying I'm not trying to be mean.

You don't have to worry about coming off as insincere, but this statement still has a LONG way to go. You start by talking about how an old woman thinks you'd make a good lawyer? Could work if it evolved from there.

Next you move into being a fat kid who finds a hobby that corrects being a fat kid. What does that tell me about you as a JD candidate? I want to know something about you. What are you telling me? You're shy and you used to be fat.

You're completely disjointed and I don't believe you have any idea who you are as a person. You're trying to project some image you think people would like to see, but ADCOMMS can read right through that. Focus on yourself first, define who you are, and figure out how you can draft your admissions package based on those strengths you think you have and write from there.

You're approaching this wrong and it's hurting you. Your PS will couple with your DS and your resume to give you a third dimension. You have none of that right now in substance.

[KamronK]

I don't take any of this personally.
It's definitely been difficult for me to figure out where to start. I'm proud of the changes I've made in my life and I'm trying to find a way to express that in a way that would make sense for a personal statement.

[bruinforever2]

I agree I feel like it goes over all different types of subject matter when any of the topics you brought up could be enough to elaborate on for one whole essay. Try focusing on one thing. I am having the same issue.