Need PS critique please Forum

[MtnGinger]

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[gentlemanscholar]

I think you could pull a compelling story together, but right now the PS is a little unfocused. I would suggest focusing in on a specific experience. The interaction with an illiterate 30 year old could be be really poignant if done right.

Also, if you are going to mention law in your PS, try to tie it in effectively. Explain how exactly your Appalachian environment/experiences motivate you to study law, or how you plan to "help others through law."

[MtnGinger]

I think you could pull a compelling story together, but right now the PS is a little unfocused. I would suggest focusing in on a specific experience. The interaction with an illiterate 30 year old could be be really poignant if done right.

Also, if you are going to mention law in your PS, try to tie it in effectively. Explain how exactly your Appalachian environment/experiences motivate you to study law, or how you plan to "help others through law."

Thanks I know is super unfocused I just needed someone else to tell that and which I should focus on which story was more compelling.

[HRomanus]

This may be personal preference, but I really don't like your approach.

At points, it seems very condescending towards the Appalachia culture. You're from the region so it may not be clear, but substitute a foreign culture for Appalachia in the statement and it's very awkward: "Depressing as it was each time a [Asian/Latino/etc] stereotype was proven correct I still enjoyed my time at that branch and am thankful for the opportunity to meet such amazing people despite all they were lacking in life." Uhhhhhhhhhhhh.

At other points, though, you seem Mayberry-esque unsophisticated and wide-eyed. "I get teased for my accent by my college friends and one professor even docked my grades because of it; but I also get in trouble at home by my grandma for talking too proper." This sounds incredibly Tom Sawyer. Do you think the way this sentence is phrased describes a lawyer?