How is my Personal Statement? Forum

[jdwinn0963]

I am planning on applying for law school next cycle. I have written out a personal statement and would be very appreciative if you could tell me your honest opinion about it.




“Never back down!” my Taekwondo instructor would shout to the class while we engaged in our sparring matches as exhaustion began to get the best of us. This phrase meant nothing more at the time than to fight through the fatigue and keep going, but it soon grew into the motto in which I live by.

When I was seven years old, I attended my uncle’s wedding as the ring bearer. My father, a minister who was officiating the wedding, approached me after the ceremony to ask me something that I still remember vividly to this day, “Son, why do you keep doing that?” Over the past few weeks, I developed an uncontrollable “habit,” as my parents called it at the time, of rolling my eyes. My “habit” became known as a “tic" when I was diagnosed with Tourette’s syndrome, a neurological disorder that causes motor and/or vocal tics, just several weeks later. This diagnosis changed my life and I am extremely grateful for it.

This diagnosis provoked a whirlwind of emotions for me as I did my best to deal with the news. I questioned why I had this diagnosis and what it meant for my future, especially as a child who wanted to grow up to be President of the United States. I determined at a very young age that I wasn’t going to let Tourette’s syndrome define who I was, I decided that I was going to use it as a catalyst to do something great with my life. Growing up as a Minister’s child helped me form this decision. I spent many hours at the church sitting in my dad’s office observing what ministry was like. I saw my father prepare and deliver sermons, conduct the business aspects of the church, and meet with people who were in search of spiritual guidance. I remember my father speaking with many people about how we cannot let our struggles govern our lives but instead should lean on our faith and trust in God. I reminded myself of this each time that I began to feel overwhelmed with this diagnosis and continued to fight for something greater.

As mentioned, I wanted to be the President of the United States growing up. I have a strong interest in history and politics, which began during the 2000 presidential election. I became fascinated with politicians and would even skip school with my father to meet politicians like Governor Jeb Bush. In 2004, my uncle told me about an opportunity for me to run for Youth Mayor of Survey, an elected, honorary title by the Bonita Springs Historical Society, where the Youth Mayor serves a two-year term advocating for the historical society in the community. At the time, I just celebrated my twelfth birthday and I was beginning to go through puberty, which worsened my tics. My friends began to ask what I was doing as my tics became more noticeable and I had to explain the diagnosis to them, which was uncomfortable for me. After some thought, I decided to run for Youth Mayor and campaigned against two other candidates. Two weeks before the election, there was a luncheon at the historical society office where I was to give a speech and explain why I was running. I told the crowd how I was diagnosed with Tourette’s syndrome and that the reason I was running was not only to represent the historical society, but also to encourage others to seek their dreams and not let challenges stand in the way. Two weeks later, I won the election and was reelected two years later.

Shortly after the Youth Mayor race, I began practicing Taekwondo at ATA Blackbelt Academy. As I began my training, I noticed my tics began to diminish in their severity. I found that unleashing and pushing myself in the dojo helped me control my tics better and quickly grew passionate about martial arts. Three months into my Taekwondo training, I was moved into the Leadership Program where I learned more in depth martial arts training and was taught leadership skills. My Instructor became someone I looked up to as he pushed me to exceed my potentials in the dojo. As mentioned, he would shout to the class to never back down when we felt overwhelmed or fatigued during a sparring match. This phrase began to grow on me and I began to associate it with other areas of my life. It became the slogan to what I felt internally, to not let Tourette’s syndrome dictate my life, but to fight for my dreams and encourage others to not give up on their own. After two years of training, I received my first-degree black belt and still to this day, I continue to practice martial arts.

Now I am in my twenties and my tics have decreased dramatically. I am actually thankful to have been diagnosed with Tourette’s syndrome because it has taught me life lessons I would have not otherwise learned, has been the fire behind my passions and taught me the importance of humility. I have overcome and conquered this diagnosis and still continue to seek my dreams and stand for what I believe in. As I prepare for law school and the next chapter of my life, I continue to live by one motto: Never Back Down.

[Chrstgtr]

I would cut everything about your youth mayor election. It sounds like a humble brag since it doesn't show any real character building moment.

All of the martial arts stuff also seems muddled. The metaphor is never fully developed and takes away from the overall tic story.

Just find a way to display specifically how you overcame your tics through specific milestones (or an extended metaphor if you want to use martial arts) instead of saying they "gradually went away."

[scoobysnax]

Feels more like a summary of your life & medical history than a personal statement. Cut out the fluff, like the part about the wedding, your dad being a minister. The Taekwando bit doesn't add all that much either, although seems like a better focal point than the others. Think about what message you want to convey. All I'm getting is that you have Tourette's, know Taekwondo, and somehow attribute overcoming Tourette's (what does overcoming it mean btw? Did the condition go away or hwat?) to Taekwondo.

[jdwinn0963]

I would cut everything about your youth mayor election. It sounds like a humble brag since it doesn't show any real character building moment.

All of the martial arts stuff also seems muddled. The metaphor is never fully developed and takes away from the overall tic story.

Just find a way to display specifically how you overcame your tics through specific milestones (or an extended metaphor if you want to use martial arts) instead of saying they "gradually went away."

Thank you for your input. I am a health services administration major and plan on going to law school to practice health law. Would you recommend cutting out the youth mayor part, expand on or get rid of my metaphor, and talking about how TS has led me to want to pursue a career in health law?

[Chrstgtr]

I would cut everything about your youth mayor election. It sounds like a humble brag since it doesn't show any real character building moment.

All of the martial arts stuff also seems muddled. The metaphor is never fully developed and takes away from the overall tic story.

Just find a way to display specifically how you overcame your tics through specific milestones (or an extended metaphor if you want to use martial arts) instead of saying they "gradually went away."

Thank you for your input. I am a health services administration major and plan on going to law school to practice health law. Would you recommend cutting out the youth mayor part, expand on or get rid of my metaphor, and talking about how TS has led me to want to pursue a career in health law?

I would entirely cut the youth mayor part. I don't see how something you did at least a decade ago can count as an achievement and if you are trying to show that it is a transformative moment then you simply didn't build up to it.

Without a near complete reworking of your PS I would take one of these topics and expand on it to show how you overcame TS.

With regard to talking about health law, I think that could help. It would add a bit of perspective to your PS and would make it sound less trite. Right now the direction you seem to be headed in could be summarized as the cliche "I was diagnosed with disorder. I overcame." By adding the bit with health law you give your story purpose and more meaning.