Personal Statement Critique Please? Forum

[st1987]

Hello -

I have copied and pasted my draft personal statement. A little history about me: a lot of my history is discussed in the below personal statement, I graduated with a 2.5 LSDAS GPA (discussed in personal statement) and my paralegal certification grades were mediocre (discussed in personal statement as well). I do, however, have impeccable letters of recommendations and extensive work experience as a paralegal. I also have volunteer experience. I will be re-taking my LSAT this upcoming September as well. Since I cannot change my past, grades, etc., I want to make sure I am honest in my personal statement. Any criticisms and/or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

"Scars, bruises and abuse are some of the things that are common in abusive marriages. Arranged marriages are very commonplace in South Asian culture. Domestic violence amongst South Asian communities in the United States often goes unnoticed due to the social stigma of admitting such information, even to family and friends. South Asian countries and much of the South Asian population living in the United States, are raised in a culture by strong patriarchal beliefs and fear of authority in which a woman seeking assistance outside the family often meets disapproval. I grew up in a household where my father made the decisions as to what my choices should be. I was conditioned to believe that he knew what was best for me. That is why when they arranged for my marriage after graduating high school, to my ex, I accepted. Only a religious ceremony had been conducted before college. Little did I know that the man who was my husband, really did not have my best interest at heart. I had envisioned going to college, doing well, making friends and enjoying my college experience. But that was not the case. My life became, going to classes, and going home to my husband who was abusive. I went from listening to my father to listening to everything my husband said. If he said I could not go to the grocery store, I could not go. I did attend all of my classes, but when I got home I would hear “you did not cook this correctly” or “you ironed this incorrectly.” After hearing constant criticisms and facing abuse, I began to believe that I deserved it. I attended classes, but my mind was not focused and my grades suffered throughout my marriage to him, from 2005-2012. The abuse to me seemed normal at the time because I come from a culture where women are still suppressing their voices, and speaking out about it is considered complaining.

Despite suffering emotionally and physically, I did not have the confidence or the self-esteem to walk out. I felt isolated even living in the United States. Most abusers have a pattern, they isolate you and then begin the abuse, when you feel totally disarmed and they apologize or do anything to alleviate the harm they did, many women confuse that for love. That is what I did. I live in a country where my voice matters, where there are so many opportunities, but all of that did not exist during my marriage to my ex. No matter what country someone lives in, it is the cultural conditioning that plays a big role.

Gradually, my ex started getting more and more physically and emotionally abusive. He began getting angry at small things and behaved in frightening ways -- throwing things, breaking plates and glasses. I was even persuaded and forced to shoplift at his demand. Knowing right from wrong did not matter at the time, all that mattered was pleasing him, making sure I was doing everything a “good wife” does. I shoplifted in October 2007, the only time I ever committed any action that got me arrested. I went to Court for this matter in April 2008 and through my ex having hired an attorney to assist in the matter and me having a clean record, the matter got dismissed along with me paying a $400.00 contempt fee. I take full responsibility for my actions and I feel awful about what I did. Although he introduced me to such an act, I felt indebted to him at the time because he helped me get out of it.

The only time I was away from my ex was during the time I was working. I performed well in every job I held and have received wonderful references from my employers. The reason behind performing well at work and not in my academic courses was due to the fact that I was away from my ex during work hours.

We finalized our marriage legally in the Court when his parents came from India in May 2012, that is when I started living with him and his parents. I not only had to tend to his needs, but his parents as well. I left him in August 2012, after I tried confiding in his parents when he had mistreated me and they claimed it was my fault for not being a good wife and not being able to please him. At that point, I had reached my breaking point, when his parents criticized everything I did and gave me an ultimatum to have a child. I did not want a child with him, it was a difficult experience living the life I did at that time; therefore, I did not want to bring a child into the equation. For seven years I allowed myself to believe I was the victim. I left him in August 2012 and told him I would never have a child with him. I stayed with my cousin, who was also my divorce attorney, she helped me understand that I was not at fault for this. Through her recommendation, I also sought psychological help after this experience. My divorce was finalized January 2013. After that, I changed my contact information and never spoke to him again. It took me a while to recover from this. Receiving psychological help and my family finally understanding and being supportive really helped me. I continued working and I started volunteering at a suicide/crisis intervention hotline. I feel that having worked in the legal profession for 6 years and my past experiences, help me connect with minority women facing similar situations. I understand the cycle of abuse, the cultural conditioning and how the legal system can protect. Many believe that forced arranged marriages and domestic abuse occur more in foreign countries. That is not the case. Many women silently suffer and do not have the strength to leave. I want to help this cause and become a voice for silent suffering women and children. Many women think the same thoughts I did, “it is my duty to please him”, “he is allowed to hurt me because he is the man” and “I must have done something wrong to deserve this.”

My past experiences have certainly shaped me into a compassionate person who yearns to protect women and children from domestic violence by providing them with a voice to fight against those who control them. My past and this experience in no way limit me from achieving my personal and professional ambitions. The same resiliency that has helped me to achieve my goals in my professional career with regard to employment, and the strength it took to leave my ex-husband, will certainly assist me in my determination to practice law. I feel that after receiving help for my past and giving myself time, I am in the right mindset to become a student. I no longer have my ex-husband in my life controlling every aspect; therefore, I can be a dedicated and determined student. My passion involves furthering my career in law and becoming an attorney to assist women and children in breaking free from the violence they suffer. This is not just a problem amongst immigrants, but also minority citizens living in the United States. A lot of cases go unreported because of guilt and shame, and oftentimes, it is easier and more comforting to speak to someone that has been through this experience. That is what I wish to provide as an attorney.

By confronting and surmounting my own hardships, I have developed compassion for others and an understanding of diverse people and experiences. In my encounters with varied branches of the legal system, I have grown to understand and sincerely appreciate the legal process. After these struggles, I am now emotionally and mentally ready for law school. I believe that with my now developed determination I will be able to successfully complete law school and with my heightened sense of compassion I will be able to assist silent sufferers as an advocate."

[oxie]

I'm sorry for what you've been through and it's great that you were able to get yourself out of that situation. With that said, I don't think this works as a PS. Your PS should showcase your strengths, not try to explain away all the problems in your application.

Pick a specific story that demonstrates your best traits and go from there. I'd probably recommend focusing a story from your work as a paralegal or perhaps your volunteering with the suicide/crisis intervention hotline that makes you seem mature and competent to counterbalance your GPA and criminal record. You should address those negative factors in brief addenda.

You could do a diversity statement about your ethnic background and arranged marriage, but if you do you need to be very careful about your tone. In this essay you seem to blame all the difficulties in your life on your culture and marriage. That's understandable, but it would give me pause if I were an admissions officer because I'd be worried about your ability to take responsibility for your actions and to perform well academically in the face of adversity. I also think starting with broad pronouncements about the problems with a particular culture and rehashing so many grievances about your marriage are inappropriate -- you do want admissions officers to get a sense of who you are and what your background is, but you always need to keep in mind that you're applying for a professional program. To the extent you discuss your marriage, I think the primary focus should be on how you got yourself out of it and what you have learned (as you do toward the end of this essay). I'd also recommend reading this blog post about some of the common challenges in writing an effective "overcoming adversity" essay.