Personal Statement First Draft Critique. Forum

[Anonymous User]

I am applying to Pepperdine and Loyola Law School. I need some feed back on the flow and content of my personal statement. I thank you in advance for your time spent reading my humble story. Please keep comments positive. Have a great day!

Almost every day of my college career, I broke the law.
I had to drive without a license for the majority of my college education—not by choice, but by necessity. As an undocumented immigrant, I could not get a license; yet, I had to get myself to classes to create a brighter future for myself. Once, during finals week, I was pulled over. The police impounded my vehicle because I was driving without a license. Though the incident only resulted in a traffic violation, it took me months to recover from the financial and emotional trauma. Focusing on my college courses, while trying to sort out these legal issues, was a tremendous challenge. However, this was not the only obstacle I faced.

As an undocumented student, the only financial assistance I could garner was small, private scholarships. In order to compensate, I had to work 30 hours a week, in addition to balancing my responsibilities at home. Fortunately, when I transferred to California State University, Los Angeles, the people in my life came together to help me accomplish my dream. My wife, mother and father pulled their resources together to help me pay for living and tuition costs for exactly six quarters. With their support, I was able to leave my job and focus entirely on my college courses. This emotional and financial support was exactly what I needed to succeed as a college student. I understood that factors beyond my control had greatly affected my early college experience, but once the intensity of these factors abated, I blossomed and explored my true academic potential. Despite the fact that I had to take 16 units for three quarters in order to avoid depleting my funds before graduating, I outperformed most of my classmates. I earned excellent grades and, in several of my courses, I was one of the top students in the class. After personally experiencing the power of financial stability on an undocumented student, I took leadership in fighting for financial assistance.

One of my proudest moments was lobbying for the California Dream Act. In June 2012, I traveled to Sacramento with over 50 undocumented college students, representing more than 20 California universities and colleges. Although such a trip involved the risk of being stopped by immigration officials, I knew we had to be brave and push boundaries in order to accomplish our goals. In Sacramento, we visited the offices of lawmakers and shared our stories, arguing the merits of the California Dream Act. I appeared before the California Assembly with a proud, yet trembling voice, and I asked that the act be passed. Our hard work was worth it; the California Dream Act passed.

A year after the accomplishment of the California Dream Act, despite encountering several obstacles and socioeconomic impediments throughout my college career, I became the first in my family to graduate from college. However, there were more obstacles to overcome. Doors that had been completely locked to me began to open. Through President Obama’s executive order of Deferred Action, I was able to acquire a driver’s license and a work permit. Additionally, my wife petitioned for me to become a United States resident. After years of fearing deportation and limiting my goals because of my legal status, today I feel like I can accomplish whatever I put my mind to.

The struggles I have faced as an undocumented immigrant have made me strong and a true believer that, in America, anything is possible. The challenges I had to overcome as an undocumented, low-income student have colored my perspective and helped me develop a tenacious personality, which has been a key factor in my educational and personal success. More importantly, this tenacity, along with perseverance, will be an essential asset in law school.

However, with educational attainment comes great responsibility. The undocumented community is being deprived of human necessities, such as health insurance, competitive wages and education. It is my mission to help undocumented families, just like my own, achieve their full potential and become productive members of our society. Helping families attain some type of legal status would enable them to acquire these basic human needs. Earning my J.D. will enable me to fulfill my dream of becoming an immigration attorney and spearheading my own immigration firm. After personally experiencing the frustration and instability endured by undocumented people, I owe such commitment to my community and future generations of immigrants.

[Nebby]

Wouldn't change anything.

[bmore]

I disagree. I would get rid of most of the first paragraph. This adds nothing and people may wonder why you didn't take a bus. Also, why you were pulled over. You mention that you worked and later you mention you got a work permit. You may want to say you had to take a low paying job because you had no documentation. Whatever the story is, it should be addressed.

Some other things. A lot of people take 16 credits a semester. And work. Also, don't talk about outperforming your classmates. All of that information can be condensed.

There is a lot of good here, just need to work on presentation. Wish I could give more/better advice but I am certain you will get it here.

[Anonymous User]

I disagree. I would get rid of most of the first paragraph. This adds nothing and people may wonder why you didn't take a bus. Also, why you were pulled over. You mention that you worked and later you mention you got a work permit. You may want to say you had to take a low paying job because you had no documentation. Whatever the story is, it should be addressed.

Some other things. A lot of people take 16 credits a semester. And work. Also, don't talk about outperforming your classmates. All of that information can be condensed.

There is a lot of good here, just need to work on presentation. Wish I could give more/better advice but I am certain you will get it here.

Thank you for your input. I will wait about a week until I get more input form users then I will post the revised version. The reason why I decided to write the first paragraph is that It allows the reader to understand my struggles and what type of situations I have been exposed to that have made me who I am. I am trying to paint a picture for the reader to get hooked and keep reading.


@ CounselorNebby thank you.

[starwarsVII]

I am applying to Pepperdine and Loyola Law School. I need some feed back on the flow and content of my personal statement. I thank you in advance for your time spent reading my humble story. Please keep comments positive. Have a great day!

Almost every day of my college career, I broke the law.
I had to drive without a license for the majority of my college education—not by choice, but by necessity. As an undocumented immigrant, I could not get a license; yet, I had to get myself to classes to create a brighter future for myself. Once, during finals week, I was pulled over. The police impounded my vehicle because I was driving without a license. Though the incident only resulted in a traffic violation, it took me months to recover from the financial and emotional trauma. Focusing on my college courses, while trying to sort out these legal issues, was a tremendous challenge. However, this was not the only obstacle I faced.

As an undocumented student, the only financial assistance I could garner was small, private scholarships. In order to compensate, I had to work 30 hours a week, in addition to balancing my responsibilities at home. Fortunately, when I transferred to California State University, Los Angeles, the people in my life came together to help me accomplish my dream. My wife, mother and father pulled their resources together to help me pay for living and tuition costs for exactly six quarters. With their support, I was able to leave my job and focus entirely on my college courses. This emotional and financial support was exactly what I needed to succeed as a college student. I understood that factors beyond my control had greatly affected my early college experience, but once the intensity of these factors abated, I blossomed and explored my true academic potential. Despite the fact that I had to take 16 units for three quarters in order to avoid depleting my funds before graduating, I outperformed most of my classmates. I earned excellent grades and, in several of my courses, I was one of the top students in the class. After personally experiencing the power of financial stability on an undocumented student, I took leadership in fighting for financial assistance.

One of my proudest moments was lobbying for the California Dream Act. In June 2012, I traveled to Sacramento with over 50 undocumented college students, representing more than 20 California universities and colleges. Although such a trip involved the risk of being stopped by immigration officials, I knew we had to be brave and push boundaries in order to accomplish our goals. In Sacramento, we visited the offices of lawmakers and shared our stories, arguing the merits of the California Dream Act. I appeared before the California Assembly with a proud, yet trembling voice, and I asked that the act be passed. Our hard work was worth it; the California Dream Act passed.

A year after the accomplishment of the California Dream Act, despite encountering several obstacles and socioeconomic impediments throughout my college career, I became the first in my family to graduate from college. However, there were more obstacles to overcome. Doors that had been completely locked to me began to open. Through President Obama’s executive order of Deferred Action, I was able to acquire a driver’s license and a work permit. Additionally, my wife petitioned for me to become a United States resident. After years of fearing deportation and limiting my goals because of my legal status, today I feel like I can accomplish whatever I put my mind to.

The struggles I have faced as an undocumented immigrant have made me strong and a true believer that, in America, anything is possible. The challenges I had to overcome as an undocumented, low-income student have colored my perspective and helped me develop a tenacious personality, which has been a key factor in my educational and personal success. More importantly, this tenacity, along with perseverance, will be an essential asset in law school.

However, with educational attainment comes great responsibility. The undocumented community is being deprived of human necessities, such as health insurance, competitive wages and education. It is my mission to help undocumented families, just like my own, achieve their full potential and become productive members of our society. Helping families attain some type of legal status would enable them to acquire these basic human needs. Earning my J.D. will enable me to fulfill my dream of becoming an immigration attorney and spearheading my own immigration firm. After personally experiencing the frustration and instability endured by undocumented people, I owe such commitment to my community and future generations of immigrants.

You're here legally, right? While it's admirable, do you really need to hammer home your status? I think I read "undocumented" more than a handful of times in such a short period of time. Why not just open with, "As an undocumented or illegal, I have endured great hardships. I think the term "illegal" could be more powerful in this context.

And did you encounter language barriers? Racism? Classism? Can you give concrete examples of those obstacles, if any, that you had to endure, but over came? It just feels like any under privileged individual's essay. Many of us who have grown up in great poverty have had to endure "great hardships." Other than the fact that you throw in "I'm undocumented" a lot, I really don't see how it's a great narrative from an immigrant's perspective. Do you understand what I'm saying?

And also, it's definitely good that you want to help immigrants, but why not expand on that? Fight for equality for all humans? Because there are plenty of legal citizens who face poverty, illiteracy, violence, hunger, etc. Why not use your legal knowledge to help all people? It would definitely make you more well -rounded, I think.

" Earning my J.D. will enable me to fulfill my dream of becoming an immigration attorney and spearheading my own immigration firm"

How? What specifically will you do to help? Are you just going to be a lawyer? Will you go out there and lobby and advocate for immigrants? Are you going to make noise in the community?

Just some thoughts.

[Nebby]

Starwars, this some poor attempt at trolling? OP said he is undocumented. If calling himself ILLEGAL is more legitimate to you, then you're a racist POS. Also, what in the serious fuck is with your "WHY DON'T YOU HELP ALL PEOPLE" shtick at the end. The undocumented community faces incontrovertible and unique legal issues that the OP hopes to address. Fucking Billy-bum Joe’s illiterate ass in the Appalachian mountains does not face the same legal troubles as an undocumented person.

Edit: If I read way more into your post then you meant then please ignore.

[starwarsVII]

Starwars, this some poor attempt at trolling? OP said he is undocumented. If calling himself ILLEGAL is more legitimate to you, then you're a racist POS. Also, what in the serious fuck is with your "WHY DON'T YOU HELP ALL PEOPLE" shtick at the end. The undocumented community faces incontrovertible and unique legal issues that the OP hopes to address. Fucking Billy-bum Joe’s illiterate ass in the Appalachian mountains does not face the same legal troubles as an undocumented person.

Edit: If I read way more into your post then you meant then please ignore.

It's not an attempt at trolling. I assure you. I want to make sure that he really makes it as powerful and endearing as he can. How many undocumented individuals rise up and go to law school, medical school, etc? Illegal is way more controversial and powerful than "undocumented" and he could really delve into some issues he's faced, which ties the paper's theme together.
Further, I just want him to put in some concrete examples (E.g. I was snubbed and subject to comments such as, "Learn English if you want to be here," to show how nasty and ignorant society can be. If I were writing about being LGBT in society and wanted to present the hardships that my community faces, I'd say, "They chased after me with a baseball bat while yelling '[homophobic language redacted]!" (which actually happened to a guy I know). If he wants to go with, "I'm an undocumented worker and have had to endure hardships," then really GO WITH IT and let us know what you've faced.

Either go big or go home.
I'm simply suggesting that his essay, as it currently is written, seems like it didn't push the issue enough or provide enough examples. Simply saying, "the undocumented community faces hardships," while true, isn't enough. He wants to make sure he really paints the picture for the readers so they can really feel his struggles and root for his success. No?

And again, I understand that. My last comment was just a "think-about-it", but again if he wants to help, should he not provide examples of how he actually plans to help? What can having a JD do for you? What will you do?

I just want his essay to be the most concisely and well written piece it can possibly be. To persuade the reader to accept him.

[Nebby]

"Illegal" is not a value-neutral term. It has very real connotations. It is just dog-whistling for racist xenophobes.

[starwarsVII]

"Illegal" is not a value-neutral term. It has very real connotations. It is just dog-whistling for racist xenophobes.

That's my point. As tactless as it may seem or despite the emotions it may stirr up, it's a very strong word. A label. It's an ugly term for sure, but I'm sure being an undocumented immigrant has lent itself to instances of racism. He could explore those to truly show what he's faced, endured and while seemingly impossible, he perservered and destroyed those barriers. Because at its core, this is an essay about overcoming obstacles and great harships. I say, "Good! Push it further!" And he says he wants to help out his other undocumented or illegal individuals. Great. How? And will he simply stop at being a lawyer? Or will he be a community advocate? A leader? Really get in there and make noise for the community?

Again, he's the only one who can determine what's best for him! And will take any advice with a grain of salt, but I say - "the more in-your-face powerful, the better." Again, to pose a parallel, if I were writing about being discriminated against for being gay (and I have), [homophobic language redacted] is a way more powerful term than "gay" or "LGBT". It just depends on how raw and revealing, he wants to be in this essay.

(shrugs)

Trust me I say none of this with any malice or racist thoughts or intentions. Words have power. I'm not trolling. I simply want to make sure that you write a kickass compelling essay. Not simply a shallow one that skims the surface of real issues. I really want you to grab your readers by the throat and force them to listen to you!

[Nebby]

"Illegal" is not a value-neutral term. It has very real connotations. It is just dog-whistling for racist xenophobes.

That's my point. As tactless as it may seem or despite the emotions it may stirr up, it's a very strong word. A label. It's an ugly term for sure, but I'm sure being an undocumented immigrant has lent itself to instances of racism. He could explore those to truly show what he's faced, endured and while seemingly impossible, he perservered and destroyed those barriers. Because at its core, this is an essay about overcoming obstacles and great harships. I say, "Good! Push it further!" And he says he wants to help out his other undocumented or illegal individuals. Great. How? And will he simply stop at being a lawyer? Or will he be a community advocate? A leader? Really get in there and make noise for the community?

Again, he's the only one who can determine what's best for him! And will take any advice with a grain of salt, but I say - "the more in-your-face powerful, the better." Again, to pose a parallel, if I were writing about being discriminated against for being gay (and I have), [Hi; this person hates sunshine and kittens and pleasant things in the world] is a way more powerful term than "gay" or "LGBT". It just depends on how raw and revealing, he wants to be in this essay.

(shrugs)

Trust me I say none of this with any malice or racist thoughts or intentions. Words have power. I'm not trolling. I simply want to make sure that you write a kickass compelling essay. Not simply a shallow one that skims the surface of real issues. I really want you to grab your readers by the throat and force them to listen to you!

You are an idiot. Not only for your suggestion of using racist dog-whistle-code-words, but because you’re equating a personal statement with running for President of the Universe.

[starwarsVII]

"Illegal" is not a value-neutral term. It has very real connotations. It is just dog-whistling for racist xenophobes.

That's my point. As tactless as it may seem or despite the emotions it may stirr up, it's a very strong word. A label. It's an ugly term for sure, but I'm sure being an undocumented immigrant has lent itself to instances of racism. He could explore those to truly show what he's faced, endured and while seemingly impossible, he perservered and destroyed those barriers. Because at its core, this is an essay about overcoming obstacles and great harships. I say, "Good! Push it further!" And he says he wants to help out his other undocumented or illegal individuals. Great. How? And will he simply stop at being a lawyer? Or will he be a community advocate? A leader? Really get in there and make noise for the community?

Again, he's the only one who can determine what's best for him! And will take any advice with a grain of salt, but I say - "the more in-your-face powerful, the better." Again, to pose a parallel, if I were writing about being discriminated against for being gay (and I have), [Hi; this person hates sunshine and kittens and pleasant things in the world] is a way more powerful term than "gay" or "LGBT". It just depends on how raw and revealing, he wants to be in this essay.

(shrugs)

Trust me I say none of this with any malice or racist thoughts or intentions. Words have power. I'm not trolling. I simply want to make sure that you write a kickass compelling essay. Not simply a shallow one that skims the surface of real issues. I really want you to grab your readers by the throat and force them to listen to you!

You are an idiot. Not only for your suggestion of using racist dog-whistle-code-words, but because you’re equating a personal statement with running for President of the Universe.

"You are an idiot." Compelling argument.
The OP responded to me and that's all that matters.