gave a shot at writing my personal statement...critique? Forum

[IPlaw09]

Hi!
I'll be applying in the next cycle and will be taking my LSAT in September. GPA right now is a 3.22 but expecting it to get a bit higher after sending in other transcripts....
Please take a look at my PS and let me know what you think!

It was the first week of my summer research and I was imaging a blood clot on a confocal microscope and all I could see what a blob of green, no matter how much I tried to change the settings or focus. I thought, “Once I get one perfect image, I’ll feel like this day full of research was successful” This event reminded me of the past three years in college...

Nerd. Overachiever. Perfectionist. These words had always been the definition of my life, although I never took offense to them but rather felt proud when I heard them. It was all about the numbers, the pride, the efficiency, the productivity for me. All those things are great, but as they say, all great things come with a price. I didn’t realize that my sense of overachieving and over-driven personality was actually putting me down, therefore putting my academic life down. I was under the impression that because I got great grades in high school which allowed me to get into my top choice university, I would continue this streak of overachieving.

My personality really got to me when I took a bunch of science classes with really intelligent, smart people. I felt like I needed to get ahead of them and couldn’t help but compare my grades with theirs. All the time. I began studying for the numbers, just to bump my grade up rather than absorbing what I would write down in class. This caused my self-esteem, which was very high prior to college, to bump down as low as it could get. The pressure of succeeding and making my family proud started to affect me, when it had never done so in the past. I began to tell people I hated science, I hated studying, when those two things were what fueled my passion to succeed in life.

Once I realized that there were so many people who dread going to work everyday, no matter if they got a fat paycheck, I began to think about what it was that I was doing with myself. I realized that I no more had the passion I once had to enjoy learning; the passion that was responsible for my achievement during high school. I questioned who I was living for: was I living for myself, my future, or for my parents? Why did I feel the need to compare myself with others, only to realize that everyone has a different life story, a different background? That was when I realized that all this time, I have been going after success when I should have simply been going after excellence. Constantly striving for validation was clearly not the way to go. To excel in something requires a passion, a drive. I had lost that in the midst of aiming for a 90+ in all my assignments while not understanding and frankly not caring about the material. As I began to excel at learning the material while being excited about it, my grades did improve. Of course, that overachieving and nerdy personality is still present to this day, but I play it to my strengths. The overachiveing part only comes after my love of learning.

I know that law school will not be different in the sense that it will be challenging, I may not always end up with an A, but I know now that the secret to succeeding is excelling, and the secret to excelling is learning to love learning.

[toothbrush]

I once was given advice that I should write many personal statements before coming to any conclusions and not forcing one to "work". I think you should write more and that even with a lot of forcing this will not work.

[IPlaw09]

this was only my first draft of my first personal statement written for LS ever so definitely planning to write more and editing this one a ton. But are you saying this won't work because it's not interesting to read?

[toothbrush]

this was only my first draft of my first personal statement written for LS ever so definitely planning to write more and editing this one a ton. But are you saying this won't work because it's not interesting to read?

Just think of who your audience is. My two memories of your PS are "awesomeness" (not really a word that lawyers use) and "stuDYING" (self-explanatory)

[IPlaw09]

Ok, got it. thanks for the feedback. I need to figure out how I can improve word choic.
more feedback would be much appreciated!

[Phil Brooks]

Have you ever heard the writing advice "show, don't tell"? That is what you need to do with your PS. Instead of telling the reader that you love to learn, vividly describe an experience that shows this to the reader. The reader should walk away with this conclusion without you having to beat the reader over the head with it.

[Gray]

.

[IPlaw09]

Thank you so much for your feedback.

I am a Bio major and previously pre-med. I was hoping to write something about how I have a unique background in the sciences, etc. but just don't know how I could articulate that :-/

[t-14orbust]

retake

[NYSprague]

Thank you so much for your feedback.

I am a Bio major and previously pre-med. I was hoping to write something about how I have a unique background in the sciences, etc. but just don't know how I could articulate that :-/

Do some research on the usefulness of bio undergrad for IP. I'm in corporate but plenty of posts here have explained that just bio undergrad isn't that special or desirable for IP.

There are a fair number of people who decide the don't want medicine but want a profession and default into law school.

[IPlaw09]

IP law isn't what I'm set at...I just had to think of a username to sign up for TLS.

I 100% have not defaulted into law school just because I don't want to go into medicine. I have explored/researched a bunch of professions and settled on law after thinking about what I really wanted, what would fit with my personality, and what would make me happy. Sounds cliche but its the truth.

[t-14orbust]

Sorry if this is harsh, but this comes off as immature. Awesomeness, fat paycheck, stuDying? Also, I had no idea it was a secret that excelling led to success. Who would've thought?

[IPlaw09]

Sorry that those words sound immatureish. I agree that they do. I guess editing and then posting would have been a better idea...

[t-14orbust]

Sorry that those words sound immatureish. I agree that they do. I guess editing and then posting would have been a better idea...

It's okay, at least you're open to criticism. Personally, I think you should explore different topics. Have you checked this http://www.top-law-schools.com/personal-statements.html out?

[IPlaw09]

will check it out, thanks.

[Gray]

.

[IPlaw09]

a very interesting point & a great idea, thanks for bringing that up!

[doing_it_in_a_car]

This is kind of all over the place. The tone is too casual at times ("My personality really got to me..."), and the subject matter is unfocused and too broad. You're attempting to show the lessons you've learned as you've matured, but you gloss over the details of how you learned those lessons. There's no plot - you suddenly realize random truths about life (with no sense of specific time or place) and implement those principles and then achieve success. It sounds boring and unbelievable.

Don't try to sound so impressive. Instead, try to be open, honest, and vulnerable. Maybe instead of thinking of it as a personal statement, think of it as a personal story. Tell a story about yourself, a tale that involves characters doing actions in physical places. Make the statement grounded and physical. Vivid imagery will make a statement memorable. The armchair philosophy you've engaged in here only makes you forgettable at best and naive at worst. Everyone feels love, passion, pain, the whole gamut of human emotion. It's your specific experiences that distinguish you from everyone else.

Writing a good personal statement may take a very long time. I struggled a while to find my topic, but when I thought of it, I knew 100% that it was the right one. I felt excited to write about it, and after writing it I believe I know myself better. Again, don't write to impress adcomms. Take this as an opportunity to seriously reflect on what you've done so far, where you've been, and what you've seen. Think about the most important moments in your life, the ones where you felt heightened fear, pain, happiness or pride, the moments that have been permanently burned in your memory so you can still recall those scenes as clear as yesterday. Those moments are what you should write about.

[Straw_Mandible]

Please consider your audience and purpose, and then consider how your choice of language affects the way you come across in this statement. Law school is a professional school, full of mature adults. Your personal statement should contain professional language and leave no lingering doubts about your maturity.

Below is a list of cringe-worthy words and phrases that I think you should do your best to avoid in your personal statement. Note that the list is long, and many of these phrases seem to fall at the very core of your subject matter here (which should be a strong indication that you need to find a new angle and a new topic).

Nerd. Overachiever. Perfectionist.
the definition of my life
the numbers
as they say
over-driven personality
putting me down
got great grades
overachieving
“awesomeness”

really got to me
really intelligent, smart people
All the time.
the numbers
bump down
fueled my passion
succeed in life.

fat paycheck
“stuDYING.”
passion
high school.
going after success
going after excellence.
frankly not caring
overachieving and nerdy
overachiveing
love of learning.

the secret to succeeding
the secret to excelling
learning to love learning.

[Ave]

I don't think this direction is something you want to pursue for your PS. I stopped reading after

Nerd. Overachiever. Perfectionist. These words had always been the definition of my life, although I never took offense to them but rather felt proud when I heard them.

because I knew exactly where you were going with this.

Also, I had to read this twice:

It was the first week of my summer research and I was imaging a blood clot on a confocal microscope and all I could see what a blob of green, no matter how much I tried to change the settings or focus.

[NYSprague]

IP law isn't what I'm set at...I just had to think of a username to sign up for TLS.

I 100% have not defaulted into law school just because I don't want to go into medicine. I have explored/researched a bunch of professions and settled on law after thinking about what I really wanted, what would fit with my personality, and what would make me happy. Sounds cliche but its the truth.

Ok I thought you mentioned being a bio major as being something different, but I was just skimming.

[oxie]

I agree with the consensus that this doesn't work.

For those of you who are trying to figure out what to write about in your PS, this is some of the most constructive advice I've seen on this forum (from this thread):

Start by making a table. Your columns are "positive attributes I want to show or reinforce to an AdComm." Your rows are "stories I can tell." Then go through and check off which stories hit on the most possible points you want to show or reinforce. Then write those stories. Here's a really simple sample, complete with typo (my table had 6-7 columns and probably a dozen rows, but you get the idea):

[HRomanus]

I agree with the consensus that this doesn't work.

For those of you who are trying to figure out what to write about in your PS, this is some of the most constructive advice I've seen on this forum (from this thread):

Start by making a table. Your columns are "positive attributes I want to show or reinforce to an AdComm." Your rows are "stories I can tell." Then go through and check off which stories hit on the most possible points you want to show or reinforce. Then write those stories. Here's a really simple sample, complete with typo (my table had 6-7 columns and probably a dozen rows, but you get the idea):

Not to sidetrack this thread, but I would love to read a PS on the "I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom" story.

Is he a hooker with many clients?
Is he a BK employee and people are constantly destroying the bathroom?
Is he a customer that is suffering rapid, serious health issues?

[Gray]

.

[HRomanus]

Me too... I could see this as a 'low point in life' PS:

"There was a deep churning in my stomach. It could have been caused by combo number 3, the liquor, or the self loathing, but in that moment I knew it was time to turn my life around."

180.

I was imagining a Walter Mitty-esque statement that begins "I once got busy in a BK bathroom."

The statement would start with the narrator as a hooker servicing a client. It would shift to the narrator as a businessman returned from an trip suffering from a serious illness. It would finally turn to the true narrator - a BK employee who is cleaning up dried bodily fluids and excrement. The writer concludes revealing how he cleaned bathrooms at the local BK to pay his way through college. His high school grades were poor and he received no scholarships, but after arriving he realized education's worth and became dedicated to his success. He is so exhausted by the job and its mindnumbing banality that he creates extravagent stories of how the bathrooms became messy to keep his mind engaged. Despite hating every minute of his BK experience, he persevered - as he will in law school and law firms.