"Raspy voice" - initial paragraphs of an idea Forum

[WaltGrace83]

I really like this topic. I think it's interesting and a bit more unique then a lot of "overcoming adversity" PS's that we all see. Sure, this is kind of overcoming something, but something much less serious. The goal for this personal statement is to show how I work with what i have been given and make it advantageous to me. I still have a bit of developing to do because I haven't gotten close to reaching the climax of this. Ultimately, it is going to develop into how I got into songwriting and used my voice as apart of my style. In addition, I was going to do a bit of explaining what songwriting means to me and how it lead to my development as a person: I learned how to do a bit more introspection and reflection, I learned how to think deeply about what I want, I learned to constantly seek to have a voice in the figurative sense, etc.

Right now, this isn't even one page, double-spaced. Don't quote anything below.

From the basement of my mother’s home, I listened intently through the vent in the ceiling for the faintest indication of her slumber. On some nights this process took minutes and on other nights, as long as an hour. Yet eventually gratified by the feeling that no one was listening, I only then retreated to the cubby beneath the staircase where my world transformed. I became a craftsman. Scribbling lyrics to be arranged atop the shimmering soundscape of sparkling guitar chords, I crooned melodies into their quiet existence. Though I most certainly preferred a less clandestine writing process, the explanation for my secrecy sounded glaringly self-evident to me.

I discovered my voice’s peculiar - and perhaps unflattering - rasp during an audition for my middle school’s choir about eight years prior. Aiming to further my development as an incipient musician, I believed that singing could supplement the abilities I was increasingly passionate about. “I can clearly see that you all love to sing,” the director exclaimed to the room of auditioners following our performances, “but some of you simply should not yet do so in public” she stated while candidly directing her gaze at me. Such remarks immediately induced the crippling self-consciousness of my unconventional vocal timbre. Yet over many years, they yielded the solitary fixation with discovering my own musical ideal: one that could entwine my vocal expressions of limited range and unusual tonality with my sensibilities as a guitarist that values harmonic grace and fluidity. In doing so, I sought to exploit -- rather than undermine -- the contrast of these two competing dispositions and began to discover the beauty of tactfully applying this sonic juxtaposition to my favorite pieces.

[papercut]

It's too wordy. There are too many adjectives and adverbs that distract from the flow.

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I like the theme. It has a lot of potential. I feel like it is personal and we're getting to know you.

[03152016]

Fellow musician here. I like the idea a lot. But I agree with papercut, you're overwriting. It's unnatural and distracting from the content. Be secure in your writing. Think about how you would convey this story to a friend. Cut back on the super long sentences. Also, it would be nice to see you build more on that moment of vulnerability -- show, don't tell.

Sounds like the start of something very interesting.

Also papercut he didn't want quotes

[papercut]

Also papercut he didn't want quotes

Whoops missed that. Sorry. I'll replace my post with a "." in a day or two.

[PDX4343]

OP I almost decided to write my PS on a similar topic. I think it can be a good topic provided you develop it the right way.

[WaltGrace83]

Fellow musician here. I like the idea a lot. But I agree with papercut, you're overwriting. It's unnatural and distracting from the content. Be secure in your writing. Think about how you would convey this story to a friend. Cut back on the super long sentences. Also, it would be nice to see you build more on that moment of vulnerability -- show, don't tell.

Sounds like the start of something very interesting.

Also papercut he didn't want quotes

What moment are you specifically referring to?

[03152016]

Fellow musician here. I like the idea a lot. But I agree with papercut, you're overwriting. It's unnatural and distracting from the content. Be secure in your writing. Think about how you would convey this story to a friend. Cut back on the super long sentences. Also, it would be nice to see you build more on that moment of vulnerability -- show, don't tell.

Sounds like the start of something very interesting.

Also papercut he didn't want quotes

What moment are you specifically referring to?

Paragraph two, sentences three and four.