Critiques? Forum

[krwillis01]

I will be applying next cycle (14-15) and I think my first draft of my PS is finished and I would love to get some feedback. Its just under two pages on MS Word double spaced and its 636 words.

My eighteenth birthday was one of the most memorable days of my life. I was admitted to the hospital around three o’clock in the morning and at 2:26 p.m. my life was changed forever. I had just given birth to a beautiful, six pound, eight ounce baby girl. I was officially an adult and a mother. At this point I knew that I had to do everything I could to make sure my daughter had the kind of life she deserved. A little over a month later I married my daughter’s father and returned to school. I was fortunate enough to have a high school that was willing to work with me and a few months later I did something that over half of teenage mothers never do, I graduated from high school (and with honors).

A few weeks after graduation I started classes at <school name>, but I did not really know what I wanted to do. Most of my classes went well that first semester and then towards the end of the summer, my (ex)husband was deployed, per his request, to Afghanistan. I was signed up to take a hand full of general education classes that fall, since I still had no real idea of what I wanted out of my college education. Then, shortly after classes started, my (ex)husband and I separated and I decided to withdraw from all of my classes and take the semester off. That fall was a very difficult time in my life, taking care of and supporting my daughter alone. But the New Year’s came and with it I found myself in a new relationship with a man that truly made me happy. But there were two big black clouds still hanging over my head, I was still legally married and I was still not back in school.

Early in the summer I was finally able to file for divorce and it was during that process that I realized how interested I was in law. I was able to get back into school a few weeks later and one of the courses I took was Introduction to Paralegal Studies. During that class it became very clear to me what I wanted to do with my life, become a lawyer and maybe one day a judge. Over the next two years I had another daughter, got my divorce finalized, got remarried, had my teenage step-daughter move in, and finished both my Associate’s degree in Paralegal Studies and a Technical Certificate in Office Administration. During those two years I toyed with the idea of continuing on to my Bachelor’s Degree, but with all of the other responsibilities I had I was unsure of how realistic my goals were. It was the incredible support of my husband that convinced me I could do it.

I enrolled that fall at <school #2> and was originally a Political Science major. My first semester was rather overwhelming and a big learning experience. My second semester went a little smoother but made me realize that I had no real interest in Political Science. I knew that I could not solely rely on going to law school because there was no guarantee I would end up there. Because of this I found myself re-evaluating my situation once again the following summer. My brother had just finished his degree through <current school which is #3> and I decided it was worth looking into, which is how I got to where I am now. I am 23 years old but have not felt my age in a long time. I got myself into a situation where I had to grow up quickly for the sake of my daughter and I continue to push myself so that my children have the kind of life that they deserve.

[raekaya]

First of all, congratulations on making it through school despite the challenges of being a mother. This seems to be a great central theme for your paper. On that note, here is some advice:
1) Yes, it is called personal statement but this is a bit too personal. Talking that in depth about romantic relationships is never a good idea regarding professional school or careers. For example, " I found myself in a new relationship with a man that truly made me happy" is not appropriate here.
In addition, don't just spill out your life story, pick one challenge you've faced and talk about how that shaped your interest in law. It is very impressive that you made it this far and had to work hard to be where you are. I really think you should pinpoint that and make the entire statement about how hard you worked, the adversity you faced, etc. all while discovering your passion for law.
Right now it's just a long chronology of each step you took but people want grit and stories, not a road map.
2) The school wants to know why you want to practice law so put that in more specifically. When I say specific I mean what kind of law you want to practice and why. "Maybe one day a judge" means nothing and is a pretty lofty goal and giving your "children the life they deserve" comes across as you just doing it because you think you'll make a lot of money.

Feel free to reply to this with specifically why you want to practice law so I can be of better help.

[krwillis01]

First of all, congratulations on making it through school despite the challenges of being a mother. This seems to be a great central theme for your paper. On that note, here is some advice:
1) Yes, it is called personal statement but this is a bit too personal. Talking that in depth about romantic relationships is never a good idea regarding professional school or careers. For example, " I found myself in a new relationship with a man that truly made me happy" is not appropriate here.
In addition, don't just spill out your life story, pick one challenge you've faced and talk about how that shaped your interest in law. It is very impressive that you made it this far and had to work hard to be where you are. I really think you should pinpoint that and make the entire statement about how hard you worked, the adversity you faced, etc. all while discovering your passion for law.
Right now it's just a long chronology of each step you took but people want grit and stories, not a road map.
2) The school wants to know why you want to practice law so put that in more specifically. When I say specific I mean what kind of law you want to practice and why. "Maybe one day a judge" means nothing and is a pretty lofty goal and giving your "children the life they deserve" comes across as you just doing it because you think you'll make a lot of money.

Feel free to reply to this with specifically why you want to practice law so I can be of better help.

On number one I meant to edit that part out. I had originally put in the beginning about the emotional abuse I suffered during my first marriage and wanted to add that in. Then I thought, like you said, I was getting too personal about the wrong thing. Should I just cut out most of the school related stuff since this all shows up on transcripts?

And to elaborate, I do not want to work big law. Its not a realistic option. I have narrowed down the areas that I think I would like to go into but I'm not set in stone on anything. Family Law and Criminal Law--prosecution or wrongful conviction/appeals but definitely not defense--are the top two as of right now. And my ultimate goal is to be an Appeals Court Judge if that makes a difference. And the giving my kids the life they deserve is about making a career for myself and being able to support them without living paycheck to paycheck. I do not expect to get rich or make six figures as a lawyer (once again not realistic) I just don't want to make sure my kids don't ever have to go without because I never made anything of myself.

As a side note, I don't plan on applying to any T14 schools because realistically I would never be able to attend any of them.

[HRomanus]

First of all, congratulations on making it through school despite the challenges of being a mother. This seems to be a great central theme for your paper. On that note, here is some advice:
1) Yes, it is called personal statement but this is a bit too personal. Talking that in depth about romantic relationships is never a good idea regarding professional school or careers. For example, " I found myself in a new relationship with a man that truly made me happy" is not appropriate here.
In addition, don't just spill out your life story, pick one challenge you've faced and talk about how that shaped your interest in law. It is very impressive that you made it this far and had to work hard to be where you are. I really think you should pinpoint that and make the entire statement about how hard you worked, the adversity you faced, etc. all while discovering your passion for law.
Right now it's just a long chronology of each step you took but people want grit and stories, not a road map.
2) The school wants to know why you want to practice law so put that in more specifically. When I say specific I mean what kind of law you want to practice and why. "Maybe one day a judge" means nothing and is a pretty lofty goal and giving your "children the life they deserve" comes across as you just doing it because you think you'll make a lot of money.

Feel free to reply to this with specifically why you want to practice law so I can be of better help.

Agree with #1. Basically, don't write a chronology or descriptive narrative. Choose a circumstance that displays several of your positive attributes and explicitly define this as a theme/thesis. Your current narrative - which lacks any central idea - lets the reader analyze and judge you. Without any cohesion, I read this and think that you seem very unstable. In five years, you: become a teenage mother, marry, attend college, leave college, divorce husband, have another child, remarry, attend community college, attend real college, switch majors, switch majors again (?), and graduate. Even finding a central thesis would majorly improve this. The better path is to find an interesting circumstance and write about that.

Disagree with #2. Don't write about why you want to be a lawyer, especially if this reflects you reasoning. You took a paralegal class at a community college and that, combined with a divorce, made you realize your life's goal to be a lawyer and judge? I think most adcomms will see that as pretty flimsy. In 95% of PSs, it is best to avoid the "why law" topic unless it is specifically asked for. You're applying for law school, so adcomms know you want to be a lawyer. Never waste the limited space of a PS doing anything besides displaying your positive character.

What's your LSAT? Where are you applying?

[raekaya]

The school part could be compelling if you consolidate it with the theme. For instance, you worked hard to complete school since you believed being a good mother did not have to mean giving up your career (then discuss how you overcame the challenges to be successful in school).
I would start by cutting anything about the marriages and divorce unless you want your theme to be about why you want to practice family law and how your experience made you passionate about it or something.

HRom, I think talking about the law you want to practice can make a really good PS for the right person, if their story is close enough tied into the area they want to go into. If, based on OP's experience, she wants to go to law school to go into PI because she is striving to help single mothers stay on their feet, for example, that would definitely be worth weaving into the PS, no?

[krwillis01]

What's your LSAT? Where are you applying?

I am applying next cycle and will be taking the LSAT in September. I have done one practice test so far (will be studying all summer) and scored a 154 but it wasn't quite under testing conditions. My LSAC GPA will be a 3.7 when I apply (3.69 right now). Medians for the school I want to attend are 156/3.39

[HRomanus]

What's your LSAT? Where are you applying?

I am applying next cycle and will be taking the LSAT in September. I have done one practice test so far (will be studying all summer) and scored a 154 but it wasn't quite under testing conditions. My LSAC GPA will be a 3.7 when I apply (3.69 right now). Medians for the school I want to attend are 156/3.39

Set your sights way higher for the LSAT and law school. A law school with those medians won't put you in the best position to satisfiy your niche employment goals. In any case, I would stay away from the teenage motherhood, divorces, and failed college experiences entirely. Because you are still so close to the experiences, they might reflect poorly on you today. Better to not mention them entirely (in my opinion). Never introduce evidence that might hurt you. Better to play it safe on a PS.

[papercut]

Here are some edits I would make:

My eighteenth birthday was one of the most memorable days of my life. I was admitted to the hospital around three o’clock in the morning and at 2:26 p.m. my life was changed forever. I had just given birth to a beautiful, six pound, eight ounce baby girl.

When you're writing about a serious issue your writing should be understated. So, you should get rid of phrases like "most memorable," and "changed forever." You want the reader to infer these things from the action. How about:

We rushed to the hospital at three in the morning. It was my eighteenth birthday. Twelve hours later I gave birth to a beautiful, six pound, eight ounce baby girl.

I was officially an adult and a mother.

One of the keys to good writing is to take out any unnecessary words, phrases, or sentences. Your readers are gonna be pretty sophisticated, so I would cut the above sentence out. We already learned this from what you wrote before.

At this point I knew that I had to do everything I could to make sure my daughter had the kind of life she deserved.

"At this point," is just clutter. Cut it out.

I knew that I had to do everything I could to make sure my daughter had the kind of life she deserved.

A little over a month later I married my daughter’s father and returned to school. I was fortunate enough to have a high school that was willing to work with me and a few months later I did something that over half of teenage mothers never do, I graduated from high school (and with honors).

This is good, but how about this:

A little over a month later I married my daughter’s father and returned to school. I was fortunate enough to have a high school that was willing to work with me. I did something that most teenage mothers never do, I graduated from high school.

Overall, it's pretty good. You should go through the rest of it and make similar cuts and changes.

Shorter sentences are usually better, and cut out anything that can be cut without hurting your message.

[krwillis01]

What's your LSAT? Where are you applying?

I am applying next cycle and will be taking the LSAT in September. I have done one practice test so far (will be studying all summer) and scored a 154 but it wasn't quite under testing conditions. My LSAC GPA will be a 3.7 when I apply (3.69 right now). Medians for the school I want to attend are 156/3.39

Set your sights way higher for the LSAT and law school. A law school with those medians won't put you in the best position to satisfiy your niche employment goals. In any case, I would stay away from the teenage motherhood, divorces, and failed college experiences entirely. Because you are still so close to the experiences, they might reflect poorly on you today. Better to not mention them entirely (in my opinion). Never introduce evidence that might hurt you. Better to play it safe on a PS.

I have a couple more weeks of class to finish and then I will be cracking down on my LSAT prep so my LSAT goal is a lot higher than 15x. But in terms of where I go to school I do not have a lot of options because I really cannot move very far away from where I currently live. This school will require an hour and fifteen minute commute both ways but the next closest school is about two and a half hours both ways and it is just not realistic for me to attempt a five hour commute to go to class. But even with the low medians there is a pretty big alumni presence from this school in my state.

[raekaya]

What's your LSAT? Where are you applying?

I am applying next cycle and will be taking the LSAT in September. I have done one practice test so far (will be studying all summer) and scored a 154 but it wasn't quite under testing conditions. My LSAC GPA will be a 3.7 when I apply (3.69 right now). Medians for the school I want to attend are 156/3.39

Set your sights way higher for the LSAT and law school. A law school with those medians won't put you in the best position to satisfiy your niche employment goals. In any case, I would stay away from the teenage motherhood, divorces, and failed college experiences entirely. Because you are still so close to the experiences, they might reflect poorly on you today. Better to not mention them entirely (in my opinion). Never introduce evidence that might hurt you. Better to play it safe on a PS.

I have a couple more weeks of class to finish and then I will be cracking down on my LSAT prep so my LSAT goal is a lot higher than 15x. But in terms of where I go to school I do not have a lot of options because I really cannot move very far away from where I currently live. This school will require an hour and fifteen minute commute both ways but the next closest school is about two and a half hours both ways and it is just not realistic for me to attempt a five hour commute to go to class. But even with the low medians there is a pretty big alumni presence from this school in my state.

Regardless of where you are applying, your LSAT score could be the difference between 200K in debt and very little if you get a big scholarship. Have you thought about taking an LSAT course? I tested cold at 156 and my actual score ended up being 171 after the course. The $1,500 or so I spent on the course was absolutely worth the scholarship I have now.
On that note, just because you know you won't go somewhere that does not mean you shouldn't apply. If you get into a higher ranked school with a scholarship you can potentially leverage for more money at your target school. I urge you to read the forums here about scholarship negotiation.

[HRomanus]

Regardless of where you are applying, your LSAT score could be the difference between 200K in debt and very little if you get a big scholarship. Have you thought about taking an LSAT course? I tested cold at 156 and my actual score ended up being 171 after the course. The $1,500 or so I spent on the course was absolutely worth the scholarship I have now.
On that note, just because you know you won't go somewhere that does not mean you shouldn't apply. If you get into a higher ranked school with a scholarship you can potentially leverage for more money at your target school. I urge you to read the forums here about scholarship negotiation.

Unless you don't have good study habits, don't take a class. Use the resources here on TLS and buy Powerscore books and practice tests - it's more time consuming but ultimately far cheaper and more useful.