First Paragraph of Rough Draft PS please critique Forum

[Anonymous User]

As I sat across the restaurant’s table starring at the swollen and blackened eyes of my mother, after she had been robbed at a local gas station, all I can remember thinking about was abandoning my collegiate endeavors and moving back to Cleveland. Not knowing if this incident was related to her drug addiction, which had seemed to be hidden from me my entire life, did not make the decision less challenging. As an only child, and having being raised primarily by my mother, due to my father being in the military, this had been a tough situation to cope with, but I knew that returning home without my degree was not an option. Being from the urban area of Cleveland, Ohio, I saw first hand, that having a high school diploma, or the lack there of, was not enough to not only obtain financial security, but to maintain it as well. Out of the four children had by my maternal grandparents, my mother was the only one to obtain a high school diploma, however she has still not been able to obtain stable employment since 2001. My mother’s lack of employment during my adolescence had become center of the resentment I had towards her. As I got older, our financial situation had become more apparent, especially during my 8th grade year, as I was forced to wear the same uniform multiple days in a row, and the only pair of shoes that I owned at the time developed holes in them. Having been an only child, growing up, I spent a lot of time with my first cousins, and whenever I would go visit them, it was in the suburbs or the outer skirts of the city. After awhile, especially around the time that I was getting ready to attend high school, I began to question why we couldn’t move to the suburbs. I did not want to go to my neighborhood schools with fear of not being challenged intellectually, due to my family’s educational history, as well as the inadequate education that was provided by Cleveland Public Schools. Having voiced this concern to teachers at my middle, I was afforded the opportunity to attend Early College High School. While Early College was in fact a Cleveland Public Schools, it provided students with an accelerated academic program that allowed students to graduate from high school in 3 years, with honors. It was at Early College where, I surrounded myself with individuals whom challenged me intellectually, and helped me gain the confidence that I could make it at an institution of higher learning. When I finally made the decision to attend Bowling Green State University, which was not a difficult one, I thought that the only way was up and there was no looking back.

[blackbeardspubes]

As I sat across the restaurant’s table starring at the swollen and blackened eyes of my mother, after she had been robbed at a local gas station, all I can remember thinking about was abandoning my collegiate endeavors and moving back to Cleveland. Not knowing if this incident was related to her drug addiction, which had seemed to be hidden from me my entire life, did not make the decision less challenging. SHIVER ME TIMBERS.YARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrschools with fear of not being challenged intellectually, due to my family’s educational history, as well as the inadequate education that was provided by Cleveland Public Schools. Having voiced this concern to teachers at my middle, I was afforded the opportunity to attend Early College High School. While Early College was in fact a Cleveland Public Schools, it provided students with an accelerated academic program that allowed students to graduate from high school in 3 years, with honors. It was at Early College where, I surrounded myself with individuals whom challenged me intellectually, and helped me gain the confidence that I could make it at an institution of higher learning. When I finally made the decision to attend Bowling Green State University, which was not a difficult one, I thought that the only way was up and there was no looking back.

[AnonymousAlterEgoC]

The sheer amount of commas makes this nearly unreadable.

At the end of the paragraph, you indicate troubles after your decision to attend BGSU. I am unsure if this was your intent.

I would try to begin the PS with you, not your mother. Her troubles are certainly relevant, but the first few sentences are seemingly about her. You may be able to rephrase. I would also omit the high school stuff. You were challenged intellectually then decided to attend BGSU? It's not a bad school, but it also isn't known for intellectual challenge..

[blackbeardspubes]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hfYJsQAhl0

[TLSanders]

There's far too much general background information here that doesn't really seem to be going anywhere, and 450+ words is at least double what you should be putting into the first paragraph.

I can see that you're trying to open with an attention-catching story, and the subject matter you use could serve that purpose, but the presentation is too patchy and disorganized and you try to fit too much into it. The focus should be on what's going through your mind, where you are in life, how who you are impacts the decision you're making in that moment, not on your mother's life story.

And, you need to be consistent in your view. you claim that you're considering leaving school. But, later in the same paragraph, you say that you knew this was not an option. If you're conflicted, say that you're conflicted. If you know all along that, however concerned you are about your mother, you must stay on your path, then say that. Remember that even though this isn't a legal essay, you're writing for people who are accustomed to very clear presentation and are trained to spot contradictions and logical flaws instantly, without conscious effort. That will jump out at them.