Addendum - any advice/suggestions appreciated. Forum

[Anonymous User]

On [date] I was arrested and charged with Driving under the Influence of Alcohol. I spent the night celebrating with a friend and did not consider the implications of my actions. This sleight represents an egregious lapse in judgment. I accept full responsibility for this and deeply regret threatening the lives of others. After the arrest I promptly enrolled in the DA’s first time offenders program. Under this program I performed community service, sought counseling, and maintained sobriety. The charges were dropped after successful completion of the program. Since this incident I have altered my life choices and set my priorities straight. I am absolutely certain that this action will not recur.

[HRomanus]

On [date] I was arrested and charged with Driving under the Influence of Alcohol. I spent the night celebrating with a friend and did not consider the implications of my actions. This sleight represents an egregious lapse in judgment. I accept full responsibility for this and deeply regret threatening the lives of others. After the arrest I promptly enrolled in the DA’s first time offenders program. Under this program I performed community service, sought counseling, and maintained sobriety. The charges were dropped after successful completion of the program. Since this incident I have altered my life choices and set my priorities straight. I am absolutely certain that this action will not recur.

Your rhetoric is a little over-the-top, but I think the general content is fine.

[TLSanders]

You'd be better off killing the egregious, full responsibility, deeply regret drama. Admissions officers see those same phrases a thousand times a season, typically in virtually exactly the same words, and they're well aware that you read a book or blog that said you had to show remorse and accept responsibility and so you're parroting out those phrases.

FWIW, the sources that offer that advice are expecting you to actually SHOW those things through the way you talk about the incident and aftermath, not just grab their word list and toss it into your statement. If that sounds harsh, don't take it that way; your approach is by far the most common. Which, of course, is exactly why it's not effective.

[Anonymous User]

You'd be better off killing the egregious, full responsibility, deeply regret drama. Admissions officers see those same phrases a thousand times a season, typically in virtually exactly the same words, and they're well aware that you read a book or blog that said you had to show remorse and accept responsibility and so you're parroting out those phrases.

FWIW, the sources that offer that advice are expecting you to actually SHOW those things through the way you talk about the incident and aftermath, not just grab their word list and toss it into your statement. If that sounds harsh, don't take it that way; your approach is by far the most common. Which, of course, is exactly why it's not effective.

Is your suggestion that it be more personal? detailed? nuanced?

[oblig.lawl.ref]

On [date], I was arrested and charged with Ddriving under the Iinfluence of Aalcohol. I spent the night celebrating with a friend and did not consider the implications of my actions. It was the biggest mistake of my life. This sleight represents an egregious lapse in judgment. I accept full responsibility for this and deeply regret threatening the lives of others. After the arrest, I promptly enrolled in the DA’s first time offenders program. Under this program I performed community service, sought counseling, and maintained sobriety. The charges were dropped after I upon successfully completion of the program. Since thenis incident, I have altered my life choiceschanged and set my priorities straight. I am absolutely certain that it will never happen again this action will not recur.

Something like that I think.

[papercut]

On [date], I was arrested and charged with Ddriving under the Iinfluence of Aalcohol. I spent the night celebrating with a friend and did not consider the implications of my actions. It was the biggest mistake of my life. This sleight represents an egregious lapse in judgment. I accept full responsibility for this and deeply regret threatening the lives of others. After the arrest, I promptly enrolled in the DA’s first time offenders program. Under this program I performed community service, sought counseling, and maintained sobriety. The charges were dropped after I upon successfully completion of the program. Since thenis incident, I have altered my life choiceschanged and set my priorities straight. I am absolutely certain that it will never happen again this action will not recur.

Something like that I think.

This sounds loads better. I would just change "threatened" to "endangered." On my first read through I thought for a sec you were threatening to run someone over.

[TheodoreKGB]

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