Personal Statement- Do I need to go back to square one? Forum

[Anonymous User]

So this cycle has been really bad for me. I've been waitlisted at every t-14 school and I'm trying to figure out why. I'm guessing part of it may be my personal statement. Constructive criticism only please. I know it is bad, I'm looking for help fixing it or telling me that I need a different topic.

During one of the last days of my internship with the Office of the Public Defender in Baltimore, another intern nudged me and whispered, “This is going to be hilarious.” Two men were standing in front of the judge’s bench. One was a young man charged with possession of marijuana. The other was the State’s Attorney. The young man had rejected a nolle prosequi and had decided to represent himself at a bench trial. He had refused a public defender. Like many Defendants I had seen, he misunderstood how the legal system worked and had no faith in the quality of representation he would receive from a Public Defender. This event was the capstone to a summer that confirmed my decision to become a lawyer.
From the beginning, I knew he stood no chance. I had seen plenty of people embarrass themselves in a courtroom without an attorney and receive a harsher sentence. It was clear the State’s Attorney had not expected much, and only had one of the two arresting officers in court. The first officer testified that the Defendant dropped the drugs and ran. The Defendant interrupted and protested that he did no such thing. He asked why he would drop the drugs and run if he knew the officers were there. Earlier in the summer, I naively asked one of the attorneys the same question. He laughed and told me that things do not always happen as neatly as described in police reports.
As the Defendant protested, the judge politely told him that he was speaking out of turn. The intern next to me whispered, “This guy is so stupid.” But it seemed to me that the Defendant was a victim. He was given instructions in legal jargon that he did not understand, and was in a trial where the odds were stacked against him. After the first officer testified, the Defendant spoke. He had difficulty understanding the trial rules. When he mentioned how the other officer would support his story, the judge allowed him to call the second officer as a witness. The State’s Attorney was shocked. The first officer quickly volunteered to call his partner. He had almost rushed out of the courtroom when the Defendant protested again. He understood this much: no one who had testified in the trial could speak to another witness. The courtroom fell silent and the judge agreed with the Defendant. The State’s Attorney froze, then ran and brought the first officer back into the courtroom.
This was a trial I would remember for a long time. I no longer saw this young man as another case, but as an example of what was wrong with our legal system. I wondered how this case would proceed as a jury trial, and why the officer was so quick to try to call his partner.
As the second officer entered, he seemed unprepared. The State’s Attorney looked rattled as well. The second officer testified by reading directly from the police report. Not once did he look the Defendant in the eye. As the Defendant cross-examined the officer, I could tell that the two knew each other. I heard pain in the Defendant’s voice as he asked each question. He felt betrayed by the testimony.
The judge sentenced the Defendant to probation before judgment. While he avoided a more severe penalty, the difference for the Defendant between a nolle prosequi and probation before judgment was significant. One of my duties as an intern was, after a nolle prosequi, to help the Defendant expunge their record. In Maryland, a nolle prosequi can be expunged immediately. However, you must wait until after the probation is finished or three years before a probation before judgment can be expunged. Furthermore, a conviction prevents all prior dispositions from being expunged. If he were convicted of another offense, he would be unable to expunge all his prior dispositions. This man’s job prospects and educational opportunities were altered by his decision not to accept a better resolution he did not understand.
Later, I had the opportunity to speak with the judge after her docket was finished. I asked her about the case. She shook her head and sighed. She told me that she knew the officers were lying, but based on the evidence presented, she had to give the Defendant probation before judgment.
This case was the defining moment of my summer internship. I want to work in the legal field because I have a passion for justice. Even as a child, when I saw inequality, it made me want to do something to correct it. In high school, I worked on church mission trips in inner city Baltimore. As an undergraduate, I served as my fraternity’s Philanthropy Chair and raised the most money in chapter history for people with disabilities. Empathy fuels my passion for justice. As the Defendant faced the judge, I realized that under different socio-economic circumstances, our positions could have been reversed. People like this man deserve a fair trial. I want to bring some aspect of social justice to my work as a lawyer. My experience at the Office of the Public Defender taught me that there is still more to be done. As a lawyer, I can use my law school education to make a fair trial available to more people.


Like I said, please be respectful and constructive with your criticism. But I would appreciate some help.

[HRomanus]

What are your scores?

As an adcomm, I wouldn't be impressed by the statement. In applying to a T14 you are competing with people whose stories of service are far more compelling than watching a guy get beat up in court for a dime drug bust. Moreover, you aren't really writing about you; the statement is actually about a scene you're viewing and what you thought about it. That doesn't tell the adcomm anything about you the candidate, which is the sole purpose of the personal statement.

The writing can save a stale narrative, but yours reads like a court transcript or a bad news report.

Some other things to avoid in a re-write: Don't use legal language (nolle prosequi). Don't use cliches ("an example of what was wrong with our legal system" and "passion for justice"). Try not to dwell exclusively on a legal story or why you want to be a lawyer. Also, starting with some asshole laughing about this poor guy flavors the rest of the statement - your silence seems like agreement.

I suggest finding a new narrative because I don't think this one offers the best forum to display your character and abilities. Reading through your last paragraph, the fraternity philanthropy project sounds like fertile ground for something. Regardless your narrative, however, focus your actions and how they display who you are. That being said, this personal statement probably didn't hurt you. If you were on the line for LSAT/GPA, it just didn't help. Also, the adcomms at a T14 know that most of their graduates go to work in BigLaw where your "passion for justice" and ensuring a fair trial is available to everyone is pretty meaningless.

[Anonymous User]

I have a 3.92 and a 167. I'm re-applying and retaking next cycle. I'm hoping a higher LSAT score will raise my chances. But it just seems weird that I got waitlisted at Cornell and GULC if my PS didn't hurt me that much. I have weak softs, but still. I know it wasn't my letters of rec either. I'm just confused why my cycle went sour.

[rstahl]

I have a 3.92 and a 167. I'm re-applying and retaking next cycle. I'm hoping a higher LSAT score will raise my chances. But it just seems weird that I got waitlisted at Cornell and GULC if my PS didn't hurt me that much. I have weak softs, but still. I know it wasn't my letters of rec either. I'm just confused why my cycle went sour.

When did you apply?

[HRomanus]

I have a 3.92 and a 167. I'm re-applying and retaking next cycle. I'm hoping a higher LSAT score will raise my chances. But it just seems weird that I got waitlisted at Cornell and GULC if my PS didn't hurt me that much. I have weak softs, but still. I know it wasn't my letters of rec either. I'm just confused why my cycle went sour.

Definitely odd. I can't see how this personal statement would hurt you, though. That being said, it definitely won't help you because it doesn't really reveal who you are at all. As I said before, I don't know much more about you at the end than the beginning aside from several cliches about justice and the legal system. If you are set on applying next year, I would select a new narrative that reveals a positive aspect of your character. I wrote my statement by brainstorming my best attributes and abilities and then finding a narrative that best displayed them.

[scoobysnax]

This doesn't say much about yourself. 75%+ is just a story, and then you have maybe two sentences about how that story is the reason why you want to be a lawyer, and the reason itself isn't all that compelling. "Passion for justice" is one of the vaguest, blandest, and meaningless phrases because everyone says it, hoping it would have an impact without having to explain further.

Condense the story and expand on how it impacted you. Specifically, why you as a lawyer would be able to contribute to social justice. Also, don't mention being philanthropy chair and your mission trips unless they add something to your PS. They have your resume, so they'll know without you telling them here.

My PS topic is actually pretty similar to yours (I worked in a different branch of the State's Attorney's office). I think yours definitely has potential (but then again, I may be biased because it's similar). If you reapply next cycle, I would highly recommend you rewrite it. Hope this was helpful!

[blackbeardspubes]

Fifteen men on a dead man's chest
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.

Drink and the devil had done for the rest
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.

The mate was fixed by the bosun's pike
The bosun brained with a marlinspike
And cookey's throat was marked belike
It had been gripped by fingers ten;
And there they lay, all good dead men
Like break o'day in a boozing ken
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.

[papercut]

Yeah you have an awesome GPA. Get your shit together and score in the 170s.

I agree with several of the posters above. You made one of the classic PS mistakes: your PS wasn't personal enough. But it hardly seems awful.

Did you apply late in the cycle? Could there be something wrong with your resume?