Personal Statement - Looking for feedback Forum

[Anonymous User]

This isn't complete. I still need to write two more paragraphs. I'm looking for suggestions. Also, is this appropriate.

Personal Statement

Brian Williams will forever be my past. In the present it’s as if he never existed, and only remains in my memory. At the age of five months, I was removed from my biological mother’s home because she was considered unfit to take care of a child. When she was born she had the oxygen cut off to her brain, which rendered her mentally retarded. She didn’t know who my real father was, and made up a name for my birth certificate. My older brother Chris was placed with my grandmother. I was unable to be placed in her home because she was considered to elderly to care of a new born baby. Due to these circumstances I was placed in foster care. Unknowingly, the case workers of Children and Youth placed me in an abusive foster home.

For ten years I lived in an abusive foster home. My foster parents took foster kids into their home to receive financial reimbursement from the government, and never truly saw us as their children. My foster father was short tempered, and would take his anger out on us. I was thrown into walls, punched, kicked, and sometimes forced to sleep in a locked basement. Occasionally, he would have me fight the other foster children for his entertainment. Whoever lost he would ridicule for being weak. As a child, I used to play basketball at the local park from the time I got home from school until dusk to avoid being subjected to the abuse. The abuse became worse when my foster parents began having affairs on one another. One night my foster father became so angry, that he held a gun to my foster mother’s head. Fortunately, he left the house and left her unharmed. The following morning my foster mother and I moved into her boyfriend’s trailer.

Living at the trailer was the first time I wasn’t worried about being physically abused. I did become malnutrition however, because I lived off ravioli, sausage links, and chips. I didn’t have home cooked meals because my foster mother and her boyfriend went to the bar every night, and left me home alone. The best meals I had every week were the five free lunches at K.M. Smith elementary. During April of that year, my foster mother drove me to school. Even then I thought this was odd, because she never drove me to school. In the afternoon, my classroom telephone rang. My teacher advised me that the phone call was about me, and I needed to go to the school’s principles office. When I arrived at the principal’s office, I was greeted by my two Children and Youth case workers. They advised me that I wasn’t going back to my foster family; the family I’d know for the last ten years. They gave me ten minutes to gather my belongings from my locker.

I was placed in a temporary home that same day. Two months later things started to look more positive when Children and Youth found a home that wanted to adopt a boy. After living with the family that wanted to adopt a boy for three months, they decided that they didn’t want to adopt a younger child after all. They had my case worker remove me from their home in the beginning of August. Children and Youth couldn’t find a foster home that was willing to accept an eleven year old boy into their home. The best that they could find was a temporary home for that weekend, while they made arrangements to place me in an orphanage in New York City. Fortunately, that temporary home became a permanent family, when my adoptive parents decided to adopt me.

[03152016]

Powerful stuff. I'm guessing you'll be tying your past adversity into your desire to practice law. If so, your PS topic would be completely appropriate, but it's hard to critique without seeing the rest. Very interested to see how this turns out. Make sure to proof-read, there are minor typos.

I wrote my PS on a similar topic; if you'd like to see it just shoot me a PM.

[axel.foley]

Stood out to me --

I was unable to be placed in her home because she was considered too elderly to care of a new born baby...

[Anonymous User]

I completed it.

Personal Statement

Brian Williams will forever be my past. In the present it’s as if he never existed, and only remains in my memory. At the age of five months, I was removed from my biological mother’s home because she was considered unfit to take care of a child. When she was born she had the oxygen cut off to her brain, which rendered her mentally retarded. She didn’t know who my real father was, and made up a name for my birth certificate. My older brother Chris was placed with my grandmother. I was unable to be placed in her home because she was considered too elderly to care for a new born baby. Due to these circumstances I was placed in foster care. Unknowingly, the case workers of Children and Youth placed me in an abusive foster home.

For ten years I lived in an abusive foster home. My foster parents took foster kids into their home to receive financial reimbursement from the government, and never truly saw us as their children. My foster father was short tempered, and would take his anger out on us. I was thrown into walls, punched, kicked, and sometimes forced to sleep in a locked basement. Occasionally, he would have me fight the other foster children for his entertainment. Whoever lost he would ridicule for being weak. As a child, I played basketball at the local park from the time I got home from school until dusk to avoid being subjected to the abuse. The abuse became worse when my foster parents began having affairs on one another. One night my foster father became so angry, that he held a gun to my foster mother’s head. Fortunately, he didn’t harm her, and left the house. The following morning my foster mother and I moved into her boyfriend’s trailer.
Living at the trailer was the first time I wasn’t worried about being physically abused. I did become malnutrition however, because I lived off ravioli, sausage links, and chips. I didn’t have home cooked meals because my foster mother and her boyfriend went to the bar every night, and left me home alone. The best meals I had every week were the five free lunches at K.M. Smith elementary. During April of that year, my foster mother drove me to school. Even then I thought this was odd, because she had never driven me to school. In the afternoon, my classroom telephone rang. My teacher advised that the phone call was about me, and I needed to go to the school’s principles office. When I arrived at the principal’s office, I was greeted by my two Children and Youth case workers. They advised me that I wasn’t going back to my foster family; the family I had known for the last ten years. They gave me ten minutes to gather my belongings from my locker.

I was placed in a temporary home that same day. Two months later things started to look more positive when Children and Youth found a home that wanted to adopt a boy. After living with the potential adoptive family for three months, they decided that they didn’t want to adopt a younger child after all. They had my case worker remove me from their home in the beginning of August. Children and Youth couldn’t find a foster home that was willing to accept an eleven year old boy into their home. The best that they could find was a temporary home for that weekend, while they made arrangements to place me in an orphanage in New York City. Fortunately, that temporary home became a permanent family, when my adoptive parents decided to adopt me.

As a former foster child, I feel very fortunate for the opportunities I’ve had. Some of the opportunities have been earned through my own initiative, but the majority of them have been earned with the help and guidance of my adoptive parents. With my adoptive parents help, I became one of only two percent of former foster children to graduate college. I didn’t realize until I was older how much I took for granted. When I was twenty-one, I went to visit my biological family. It turned out that my older brother Chris had been arrested five times, and at one time was addicted to drugs. What he said to me when I visited him has stuck with me to this very day: “My whole life I worried about what happened to you, but everything ended up working out for you”. It really hit me that I took being adopted into a good home for granted. I also took for granted college, and everything else that my adoptive parents sacrificed to give me. I realized that day I was in a position to help those less fortunate than me, who may not have had the same support and nurturing environment that I was adopted into at the age of eleven. It’s due to this realization that one of my strongest ambitions as an attorney is to conduct pro-bono for underprivileged juveniles and adoptive parents who can’t afford an attorney.

After I conducted extensive research on First choice Law School, it became apparent to me that it was my first choice law school. The school’s pro bono requirement for graduation, clinics, corporate and business law classes that are offered, the state of the art Weinmann building and law library, strong alumni base, and friendly admission staff, all left a positive impression on me. If accepted to First choice University Law School, you will be accepting someone who is resilient, determined, and ambitious. You will be accepting someone who has held leadership positions in nonprofit organizations over the last fifteen years. Most importantly, you will be accepting someone who full heartily wants to earn a law degree from First choice University.

[esther0123]

I completed it.

Personal Statement

Brian Williams will forever be my past. In the present it’s as if he never existed, and only remains in my memory. At the age of five months, I was removed from my biological mother’s home because she was considered unfit to take care of a child. When she was born she had the oxygen cut off to her brain, which rendered her mentally retarded. She didn’t know who my real father was, and made up a name for my birth certificate. My older brother Chris was placed with my grandmother. I was unable to be placed in her home because she was considered too elderly to care for a new born baby. Due to these circumstances I was placed in foster care. Unknowingly, the case workers of Children and Youth placed me in an abusive foster home.

For ten years I lived in an abusive foster home. My foster parents took foster kids into their home to receive financial reimbursement from the government, and never truly saw us as their children. My foster father was short tempered, and would take his anger out on us. I was thrown into walls, punched, kicked, and sometimes forced to sleep in a locked basement. Occasionally, he would have me fight the other foster children for his entertainment. Whoever lost he would ridicule for being weak. As a child, I played basketball at the local park from the time I got home from school until dusk to avoid being subjected to the abuse. The abuse became worse when my foster parents began having affairs on one another. One night my foster father became so angry, that he held a gun to my foster mother’s head. Fortunately, he didn’t harm her, and left the house. The following morning my foster mother and I moved into her boyfriend’s trailer.
Living at the trailer was the first time I wasn’t worried about being physically abused. I did become malnutrition however, because I lived off ravioli, sausage links, and chips. I didn’t have home cooked meals because my foster mother and her boyfriend went to the bar every night, and left me home alone. The best meals I had every week were the five free lunches at K.M. Smith elementary. During April of that year, my foster mother drove me to school. Even then I thought this was odd, because she had never driven me to school. In the afternoon, my classroom telephone rang. My teacher advised that the phone call was about me, and I needed to go to the school’s principles office. When I arrived at the principal’s office, I was greeted by my two Children and Youth case workers. They advised me that I wasn’t going back to my foster family; the family I had known for the last ten years. They gave me ten minutes to gather my belongings from my locker.

I was placed in a temporary home that same day. Two months later things started to look more positive when Children and Youth found a home that wanted to adopt a boy. After living with the potential adoptive family for three months, they decided that they didn’t want to adopt a younger child after all. They had my case worker remove me from their home in the beginning of August. Children and Youth couldn’t find a foster home that was willing to accept an eleven year old boy into their home. The best that they could find was a temporary home for that weekend, while they made arrangements to place me in an orphanage in New York City. Fortunately, that temporary home became a permanent family, when my adoptive parents decided to adopt me.

As a former foster child, I feel very fortunate for the opportunities I’ve had. Some of the opportunities have been earned through my own initiative, but the majority of them have been earned with the help and guidance of my adoptive parents. With my adoptive parents help, I became one of only two percent of former foster children to graduate college. I didn’t realize until I was older how much I took for granted. When I was twenty-one, I went to visit my biological family. It turned out that my older brother Chris had been arrested five times, and at one time was addicted to drugs. What he said to me when I visited him has stuck with me to this very day: “My whole life I worried about what happened to you, but everything ended up working out for you”. It really hit me that I took being adopted into a good home for granted. I also took for granted college, and everything else that my adoptive parents sacrificed to give me. I realized that day I was in a position to help those less fortunate than me, who may not have had the same support and nurturing environment that I was adopted into at the age of eleven. It’s due to this realization that one of my strongest ambitions as an attorney is to conduct pro-bono for underprivileged juveniles and adoptive parents who can’t afford an attorney.

After I conducted extensive research on First choice Law School, it became apparent to me that it was my first choice law school. The school’s pro bono requirement for graduation, clinics, corporate and business law classes that are offered, the state of the art Weinmann building and law library, strong alumni base, and friendly admission staff, all left a positive impression on me. If accepted to First choice University Law School, you will be accepting someone who is resilient, determined, and ambitious. You will be accepting someone who has held leadership positions in nonprofit organizations over the last fifteen years. Most importantly, you will be accepting someone who full heartily wants to earn a law degree from First choice University.

I think there is a lot of powerful story to work with, but too much of your writing was spent on past hardship and not so much on your own accomplishments. And it feels a bit too long for me -- I'm not sure what the length requirement is for the school(s) that you are targeting...

[withoutapaddle]

.

[Anonymous User]

It has to be 2-3 pages. I hit 3 pages.

I also had to write a why this school essay and achievement essay. That's why there isn't achievement oriented stuff in the essay.

[JazzieShizzle]

I do think some of the beginning parts could be edited out to be more concise, but overall I think it's great!

Fix this one part:

I did become malnutrition malnourished however, because I lived off ravioli, sausage links, and chips.

[NYC-WVU]

I'm sorry. Perhaps I'm missing something. I admit I didn't read every word, but . . . who is Brian Williams? (If the answer is obvious, I totally missed it.)

[Anonymous User]

It was my last name before i was adopted

[eljefe1]

http://www.lstscorereports.com/schools/tulane/2013/

[eljefe1]

Do this instead of that.

http://www.casaforchildren.org/site/c.m ... A/Home.htm

[TLSanders]

You have a compelling and attention-catching history, but I didn't learn anything about you in this essay. I learned that you went through a lot of bad stuff, and that it took until adolescence for you to find a home. But, the important part of the story involves what you learned through that experience, who you became as a result of (or in spite of) those trials, what opportunities for growth finally finding a family opened up for you--and all of that is missing.

This essay, as written, accomplishes nothing more than saying, "I lived in bad foster homes until I was 11, and it was rough." Then, you have a couple of pages left in which to tell your actual story.