Personal Statement, third draft -- input appreciated Forum

[ElliotNessquire]

“Half Lebanese, half normal” has been the running joke my father has told friends in regards to his children’s heritage. His comfort in making such a remark is a reflection of how much my maternal Lebanese family has accepted this “normal” man. But it makes sense why they have welcomed my father -- although he is neither Lebanese nor Greek Orthodox, my mother’s family immigrated from the Middle East in the early 20th century in search of the freedoms that made it acceptable for him to not be exactly like them.

Fast forward 110 years and here I am, the great-great-grandson of those Lebanese immigrants, my aim now set on becoming a lawyer. My desire to pursue a legal education has been enhanced over the last few years as I have worked in challenged neighborhoods, volunteered with at-risk youth, and invested my energy in mentoring. Even still, nothing would be more misleading than to think that my accomplishments alone have led me to this point. Let’s go back a little over a century to give you a better idea of what I mean.

Upon settling in Wichita in 1904, Yacoub Bayouth went door-to-door peddling everything from bed linens to dustpans, eventually making enough money to open Bayouth’s Grocery in 1915. Five years later, a girl named Zakia was sent from Lebanon on an arrangement to marry Yacoub’s only son, Ellis. Yacoub died in 1924, the same year that Ellis and Zakia’s first of 11 children were born. Times were tough, but the Bayouths were tougher, finding success even in the midst of heartbreak as two of the children died before the age of six. Ellis carried on his father’s work, paying each of his children a flat rate of 25 cents per week for their work in the store.

Ellis passed away in 1947 at only 50 years old, leaving his oldest son in charge. They were far from wealthy, but they had come a long way from the 11 years their grandfather spent selling household items on Wichita’s doorsteps. Even though all nine of Ellis’s adult children spent their entire working life as grocers, the trend was soon to change.

The next generation brought my mother and her cousins, adding 17 great-grandchildren to Yacoub Bayouth’s family tree. Although it had yet to be accomplished, an astounding 14 of the 16 adult children went on to earn a college degree. In less than 80 years, the Bayouths had gone from professional peddlers to, well, actual professionals.

In pursuing a legal education, I continue the legacy of professionalism my great-great-grandfather dreamed for his family. I never met Yacoub Bayouth, but perhaps it was his echoed legacy of determination that led me to work full-time selling cars while attending Kansas State University. Just as he probably didn’t enjoy peddling door-to-door every day, I wasn’t particularly excited about my work at the dealership, but we both reaped the fruits of our labors when he opened the grocery store after 11 years of peddling and when I graduated debt-free after working 50-hour weeks while going to school.

I never knew Ellis Bayouth either, but I believe it was the resiliency he instilled in his children that made me know that I needed to be strong when I was informed that my pathology report had come back cancerous. People say that you never forget the moment someone tells you that you have cancer. That’s absolutely true. I immediately began thinking of the final weeks our family spent with my grandfather before he eventually succumbed to his battle with cancer. I thought of a childhood friend who fought hard before passing away at just ten years old at the hands of a tumor. I couldn’t help but wonder if I could face a similar fate.

As crippling as the news was at the time, successful treatment and surgery brought not only a state of remission, but also a greater appreciation for health and a newfound vigor for life. My happiness was no longer contingent on financial gain or the pursuit of status, but in creating positive impact. I went from being the person that was quick to complain about societal issues to being the one who wanted to understand the struggles of inner city youth. My relationship with my “little brother,” De’Jay, began to not just be about going to the YMCA or to the pool, but about examining more closely the problems that so many of our single-parent kids are facing daily. Some of my proudest moments came when his teachers began calling me to tell of his changed attitude or when his mother would text me to share how proud she is of her son.

Aligning my enthusiasm for progress with organizations aiming to create an equitable future has meant pushing me out of my comfort zone, getting away from what has felt normal and entering into a realm of vulnerability where I have seen amazing personal growth. Just as Yacoub couldn’t sit back knowing better opportunities awaited his family in America, I am also no longer content sitting on the sidelines knowing that opportunities for progress require people ready to help. My passion for seeing sustainable change within communities has led me to where I am today, eager at the opportunity to gain a legal education with plans of continuing that fervor for growth as an advocate for justice.

[ElliotNessquire]

If anyone reads this and really likes it, I would appreciate positive feedback as much as I appreciate criticism, too.

[scoobysnax]

The message is pretty good. I like the mentions of the car dealership, your little brother, and cancer, and I think they tied well with qualities you're trying to show. However, there is WAYY too much about your ancestry. IMO, it contributes the least to your PS but it takes up the most- condense the three paragraphs to one, and add more on the other three topics.

Overall, well-written with some really good phrases.

[ElliotNessquire]

The message is pretty good. I like the mentions of the car dealership, your little brother, and cancer, and I think they tied well with qualities you're trying to show. However, there is WAYY too much about your ancestry. IMO, it contributes the least to your PS but it takes up the most- condense the three paragraphs to one, and add more on the other three topics.

Overall, well-written with some really good phrases.

Great feedback, I appreciate it!