Personal Statement! any feedback greatly appreciated! Forum

[Anonymous User]

A little late in the game, applying for evening programs, 6 years removed from school

any help would be greatly appreciated!

***2nd draft posted below***

[lawschool2014hopeful]

The first half of your statement is great, but do cross-out your needless sentence in the parentheses.

The statement overall however, felt like two separate stories that are disconnected, you start with a story of personal struggle, but you make a jump to the claim that I always had an interest in law.

Also there was a stylistic change, you start with a narrative, then as the second part hits, you more or less enter a resume list/qualification type, you lost the powerful story mode you had.

Lastly, you shouldnt have your father as the main theme in the statement (the constant reference of his influence, and closing statement based on him), it just doesnt make sense. The main theme should be your story of conquer or discovering love of law.

[Anonymous User]

Thank you so much for the insight, it was tremendously helpful