Personal statement help (*Edited 2nd draft below) Forum

[Anonymous User]

** 2nd draft below**

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[kellohitty]

This is a nice story, but you really don't talk about why you want to pursue law except for one sentence. Your personal statement for law school needs to have more to do with why you want to go to law school.

[Anonymous User]

This is a nice story, but you really don't talk about why you want to pursue law except for one sentence. Your personal statement for law school needs to have more to do with why you want to go to law school.

OP here. Thanks for your thoughts. I was beginning to get frustrated with so many views and no comments haha.

I thought about this as well. However, in reading the critiques of many statements on this forum as well as other places, I've seen many posters recommend applicants be very careful with attacking the "Why law school" question in the personal statement.

I think this is largely due to the fact that the typical explanation is something extremely cliche like "I want to go to law school because I want to have a direct impact on helping improve the lives of others." Or something I along those lines that I imagine admissions people read a hundred times a sitting. One of my favorite responses to one of these types of statements was "If you want to help people so much, maybe you should try social work."

So I guess my question to you and others is, is it really worth taking the time to explain the "Why law school" question if you don't feel you have some sort of really compelling reason you think law is your calling?

I know for myself, I decided because I knew I wanted to further my education, knew I wanted to challenge myself, and thought the idea of being able to combine two areas that I found interesting was intriguing. (Just reading that makes me feel kind of naive haha) I don't really feel that any of those reasons set me apart from the majority of applicants, so would something like that be worthwhile to add in a ps that already needs to be pared down? Thanks again for your response.

[Nicolena.]

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[Anonymous User]

This is a nice story, but you really don't talk about why you want to pursue law except for one sentence. Your personal statement for law school needs to have more to do with why you want to go to law school.

OP here. Thanks for your thoughts. I was beginning to get frustrated with so many views and no comments haha.

I thought about this as well. However, in reading the critiques of many statements on this forum as well as other places, I've seen many posters recommend applicants be very careful with attacking the "Why law school" question in the personal statement.

I think this is largely due to the fact that the typical explanation is something extremely cliche like "I want to go to law school because I want to have a direct impact on helping improve the lives of others." Or something I along those lines that I imagine admissions people read a hundred times a sitting. One of my favorite responses to one of these types of statements was "If you want to help people so much, maybe you should try social work."

So I guess my question to you and others is, is it really worth taking the time to explain the "Why law school" question if you don't feel you have some sort of really compelling reason you think law is your calling?

I know for myself, I decided because I knew I wanted to further my education, knew I wanted to challenge myself, and thought the idea of being able to combine two areas that I found interesting was intriguing. (Just reading that makes me feel kind of naive haha) I don't really feel that any of those reasons set me apart from the majority of applicants, so would something like that be worthwhile to add in a ps that already needs to be pared down? Thanks again for your response.

I've been struggling with this as well. I started trying to incorporate why law interests me instead and discuss a few circumstances that have aided this.

I think your PS is well written. However, I feel like it is really lacking who you are as a person, your motivations, and some of the statements you make seem (sorry to use this word) generic -<b>"However, my experience in the SIF class transformed me as a student and as a person." </b>

OP here again

Hey, no problem. That's why I brought it here! What you highlighted is definitely not a very descriptive sentence and certainly doesn't follow the whole "show don't tell" mantra we're all told to live by. I'm just struggling to think of another instance I can mention where I feel this growth was really on display.

Thanks again for your input

[mach9zero]

I don't normally say this (seriously check my comment history), but I actually enjoyed your personal statement. It's a well-thought topic, and you did a good job describing a challenge, your personal struggle, and your achievement. Maybe go back and check some of the wording for proper flow, but overall I was interested.

Where it falls apart, however, is the last two sentences. Most personal statements don't require a Why Law section. Yours doesn't hurt, but it's not a very compelling paragraph, and serves more as a "brown noser" by naming the school. Don't name drop the school you're applying to. I felt as if you maybe you thought the reader would be left with "well he enjoys finance so why doesn't he stick with that," but a law school admin isn't going to think that way.

Instead, I'd actually focus more on how the confidence you gained during that experience impacted future endeavors or challenges. At what point are you at now through its growth? Get rid of the two-bagger paragraph, or keep it a sentence max. Write it as "Today, that stock has almost doubled in value, a near-certified two-bagger. [reword it]"

Overall, well done.

[Anonymous User]

I don't normally say this (seriously check my comment history), but I actually enjoyed your personal statement. It's a well-thought topic, and you did a good job describing a challenge, your personal struggle, and your achievement. Maybe go back and check some of the wording for proper flow, but overall I was interested.

Where it falls apart, however, is the last two sentences. Most personal statements don't require a Why Law section. Yours doesn't hurt, but it's not a very compelling paragraph, and serves more as a "brown noser" by naming the school. Don't name drop the school you're applying to. I felt as if you maybe you thought the reader would be left with "well he enjoys finance so why doesn't he stick with that," but a law school admin isn't going to think that way.

Instead, I'd actually focus more on how the confidence you gained during that experience impacted future endeavors or challenges. At what point are you at now through its growth? Get rid of the two-bagger paragraph, or keep it a sentence max. Write it as "Today, that stock has almost doubled in value, a near-certified two-bagger. [reword it]"

Overall, well done.

OP here

Thanks for the kind words. Your comment about sticking with finance was spot on as far as my reasoning for putting it in the paper... I'll definitely go back and re-think that as well as the last couple paragraphs. I appreciate you input, it was all very helpful. Thanks!

Anyone else?

[chrisnlis]

Make sure if you choose to use phrases that incorporate hyphens, that you include the hyphens, i.e. "flavor-of-the-month", "up-and-comer".

[TLSanders]

You have a strong core here. You paint a nice picture, and the story at the center of your statement is interesting, so you've already got a leg up in two areas that many applicants struggle with. Where it falls apart for me is that I don't get enough sense of why you're telling me this. I think that you need to integrate a clearer statement of what strengths you exhibited in this process/gained from it and how they apply to your future in law school and as an attorney.

I agree with others who say that your closer rapidly transitioning to law school does more harm than good, but I don't think that you should ignore law school entirely; rather, I think that you should make a clearer statement of some of the characteristics illustrated in your story that will serve you in law school/legal practice and use that as a tie-up at the end.

[Anonymous User]

Make sure if you choose to use phrases that incorporate hyphens, that you include the hyphens, i.e. "flavor-of-the-month", "up-and-comer".

OP here

Thanks, will do! Any grammatical suggestions are always appreciated. Definitely not one of my strongest areas haha.

You have a strong core here. You paint a nice picture, and the story at the center of your statement is interesting, so you've already got a leg up in two areas that many applicants struggle with. Where it falls apart for me is that I don't get enough sense of why you're telling me this. I think that you need to integrate a clearer statement of what strengths you exhibited in this process/gained from it and how they apply to your future in law school and as an attorney.

I agree with others who say that your closer rapidly transitioning to law school does more harm than good, but I don't think that you should ignore law school entirely; rather, I think that you should make a clearer statement of some of the characteristics illustrated in your story that will serve you in law school/legal practice and use that as a tie-up at the end.

Fair enough, that all makes a lot of sense. I can see now that it does seem a little unclear as to what the point of the whole story is.

I had some friends read it earlier, and they seemed to believe that it would be more beneficial to take out the sort of negative details I provide and replace those with more positive ones describing the obstacles I tackled in making this pitch. Things like advocating for my ideas as well persuading others to vote in my favor.

I think that is kind of moving in the direction you mentioned as I believe those are important characteristics for any attorney to possess. Would you agree with that recommendation? Thanks a lot for your input!

[Anonymous User]

*** Newer draft below ***

[Anonymous User]

OP here: Edited above again with some slight modifications.

Please let me know what you think. I definitely feel my concluding paragraph is fairly week but I am having trouble figuring out a way to improve it. All other comments are also welcome. The deadline for submitting this thing is rapidly approaching so anyone who could provide their input would be much appreciated. Fire away.

Thanks again!

[Anonymous User]

OP here again

Even though this thread doesn't seem to be getting a whole lot of attention, I figured I'd put my newest draft. This ones a little shorter getting me closer to meeting the 500 word limit for the school this statements for, but its still a little too long. I'm not sure what else to take out because I feel the telling story route I went with gets less and less effective as you leave out more details.....

Anyway, if anyone has any suggestions or comments, please leave them. Thanks

The irony of orchestrating a pitch for a $50,000 stock transaction while eating a bowl of ramen noodles was not lost on me. As your typical 20-year-old college student, I could hardly fathom having access to that kind of money. I was nervous, but it was not due to a lack of confidence. I had spent days poring over financial statements, reviewing fundamentals, and gathering every bit of news possible concerning the two companies at hand. However, I knew there were no sure things when dealing in the stock market.

It was a going to be a risky and likely unpopular pitch. I planned to propose we liquidate our position in XXX, a North American chemical and building products company, and move that capital into YYY. One was the new flavor-of-the-month stock choice receiving mention in several big name publications as a hot pick, the other was part of the volatile aviation industry.

At the time, I was a member of (university name) student investment fund (SIF) class. The course allowed a limited number of undergraduate finance students to assist in managing a fund for the college of business with assets exceeding 1.7 million dollars. The experience afforded students like myself the opportunity to have a tangible impact on the finances of our university and gain invaluable real-life exposure to the fickle world of financial markets. It also provided the requisite resources and platform to share and implement my ideas.

The day for presenting my pitch had arrived. I gazed around the room at the thirty sets of eyeballs that greeted my stare. My palms were sweating as flipped through my notecards one final time. Anxiously, I began. After surviving the initial barrage of questions, a final vote would ultimately determine the fate of my pitch. To my surprise, upon the conclusion of the vote, the class was split almost even. The final nod needed to tip the scale in my favor came when my professor granted his approval. As I write this today, I can proudly say that the potential I saw in YYY has come to fruition as its share price has increased over 86% since my original recommendation turning a 50,000 investment into one valued at $93,000.

The SIF provided the perfect medium to display my analytical nature and vocal personality. The curriculum called for numerous presentations as students were expected to review the fund’s holdings and make allocation suggestions designed to help improve our return. The ability to speak persuasively is vital when thirty individuals each have their own philosophies for the ideal investment strategy and thousands of dollars are at stake. My tactics in argumentation had to be refined, but collaboration with fellow students also played a critical role when discussing our goals for the fund. My analytical skills were tested as well as I spent countless hours reviewing income statements and balance sheets to determine the financial health and prospects for various companies. I enjoyed all of these challenges, and my success molded me into a more confident student and person.

Now I would like to take on a new challenge. I desire to enter a field where I can further hone these skills and best put them to use. I believe my decision to study finance as an undergraduate provides the ideal segue to the study of corporate and securities law and will permit me to combine a new area of scholarship with one that I already find much fulfillment studying. It is my hope that you will allow me to pursue this new challenge.