Draft of the personal statement. Would you kindly remark? Forum

[phantom1412]

Thanks for the help everyone.

[lawschool2014hopeful]

I think what you have is a unique statement but there were few flags in your writing that you should avoid.

Not blaming your secretary just because she is meticulous is not a message you want to get across. Will you shift your responsibilities to others who are more vulnerable targets?

The fact you can "smell" arrogance, or "infuriated" by people who are simply trying to maximize their profit by giving you a cut seems to demonstrate a sense of arrogance, that you are trying to show yourself you are somehow morally perfect. Be more humble and understanding. You understood their tactics, but turned it down.

I get the contrast you are trying to create with the 3pm to 2pm meeting. But from an objective point of view, that is just another tactic, rather than $$, he trying to convince you emotionally, make you feel powerful, and how you can "save" hundreds of family.

You would be much better off in recognizing such tactics rather than coming off in a straight immoral/moral distinctions.

Your last paragraph doesnt make sense, at first you said you have influence, then you couldnt help the 3pm? And you need a law degree to help them? I would serious avoid the quotation.

I would avoid the helping route, and more into the intellectual curiosity route, where such conflicts are everywhere and you want to understand them all or something of the sort.

[mach9zero]

Rewrite the first paragraph, it comes off as silly and immature. Tone down your smugness, especially in judging the first group. You'll be involved working alongside and against people just like them. You don't appear to understand that they have the objective of benefiting their clients just as you have your own objective.

Get rid of that quote, actually get rid of the school name and your visit there entirely. It comes off as brown-nosing at best, and again frivolous.

It's an interesting story, but you need to revamp it to repaint your "personality" and shy away from the judgement side of it.

[scp08004]

Don't tell me what to do Fontaine