First Draft PS - Any tips??? Forum

[amdlv]

I was born on a dark and stormy night. Actually, I was born in the morning and since I was born in Southern Nevada it was probably bright and sunny. Be that as it may, I was born in North Las Vegas and raised in what I considered a perfectly normal neighborhood. I had two parents, two sisters, and eventually one younger brother. We ate dinner together, laughed together, fought together, and loved together. It wasn’t until I was in my early teenage years that I realized we were also poor together. About this time I also realized that my “perfectly normal neighborhood” was actually the part of town that most people avoided and that people who lived in other parts of town didn’t see a car rolling by slowly and automatically hide, thinking “drive-by shooting about to happen.” I always knew that we didn’t have as much money as some people, but it was at this point in my life that I suddenly realized that ordinary people’s after school snacks consisted of more than a plain microwaved potato covered in a packet of Taco Bell hot sauce. I realized that sharing a bedroom with my ten year old brother probably wasn’t normal, and I began to suspect that most parents didn’t separate their bills into “bills to pay later” and “bills to not pay at all.”

In spite of our financial difficulties ours was a loving home during my childhood, with both of my parents enthusiastic about education, engaged in our lives, and dedicated to providing the limited opportunities they could. Unfortunately, when I was thirteen my father lost his long-term job at a water cooler factory and as he struggled with depression and failed to find employment our family’s financial plight became even grimmer and our home environment soon followed. Family dinners became less about sharing our day and more about eating as quickly and quietly as possible to avoid making dad mad. Instead of spending our nights engaged in lighthearted debates about the affairs of the world my father would scour the newspaper looking for jobs while my mom cautioned my siblings and me to remain quiet lest we disturb him. The atmosphere was tense, to say the least. Looking back, I understand. When you’re struggling to keep a roof over your children’s heads taking the time to discuss the nuances of their day or to discuss their dreams for the future (which will cost you more money that you don’t have) must seem like a luxury you don’t have. But as a child, all I noticed was my parents slipping away into their depression and my home feeling oppressive.

At the age of seventeen, as a senior in high school, my father had yet to find full-time employment and I decided to move out of my parent’s house. From that moment on I have been completely independent financially, most often working two or three jobs at a time to make ends meet. I have managed to earn my undergraduate degree while working at least 40 and often 60 or more hours per week to support myself. I take care of my responsibilities, I help my family financially and emotionally, I pay my bills on time, and I have an excellent credit rating. It hasn’t ever been easy, and my transcript will reveal the fact that I struggled at the beginning of my academic career to juggle work, school, and personal commitments. During my first semester of college I was overwhelmed and I actually dropped out, receiving failing grades for all of my classes. I refused to quit, however, and I refocused and dedicated myself to pursuing my education. It took me a while to get it right but I am proud to say that I have maintained straight A’s for the last eight semesters.

As proud as I am of turning my life around, getting here has had its challenges. My social life is nearly non-existent, I’ve become adept at studying in my car in between jobs, I have had sadly little time for volunteer work, and coffee may be my best friend. At times it has been difficult to hear people in my classes talk about their lives. People my age who still live at home, whose parents bought them a car, give them spending money, and are paying for them to go to college. They spend their weekends partying while I look forward to Saturday night because that’s the one night of the week where my schedule allows me to get a full six hours of sleep instead of the standard three or four. I often feel as though I’ve missed out on the “college experience” because of having to work so much, but I truly consider any sacrifices to be well worth it.

Despite the financial struggles, my parents, my childhood, and my adult experiences have taught me many important lessons. My parents taught me the importance of education and that true learning comes from questioning in order to gain a deeper understanding. They showed me that all people, even the ones that seem the strongest, need help at times. They helped me to learn that helping others is more important than helping myself. From my childhood experiences I learned that people are so much more than what we see looking at them from the outside. I learned that people from the bottom can make their way to the top, and vice versa. I learned that although a situation may not be ideal there is always something to be learned. And from my adult experiences I have learned who I am and who I want to be. Although I have never worked a glamorous job, the ones I have held have taught me the importance of dedication and commitment. I have realized that I am incredibly organized, detail oriented and articulate. Pursuing my education on my own, without the assistance or insistence of others, has shown me that I truly have a love for learning. I have found in myself the strength to do what is needed, regardless of the personal sacrifice, to stand up for those who need help, and to defend those who are unable to defend themselves.

Although it would be easy to look back at my life and wish it had been easier, my experiences have given me the strength, confidence, and ability to know that I am mentally and emotionally prepared for the rigors of law school and the challenges of a legal career. Rather than being dragged down by my origins and the failures of my parents, I am motivated and driven to succeed. Similar to my experiences thus far, I know that a career in law will not always be easy and will require personal sacrifice. I also know that I am able and willing to face those challenges and am excited to pursue a career that will enable me to use my knowledge and abilities to have a positive influence on those around me while also working hard to achieve success in my personal life.

[lawschool2014hopeful]

I really enjoyed your story

Ill give you some general feedback first

#1) You are quite wordy, and dont like to use periods very often. The first sentence in your second paragraph is 2 bloody lines long. You could cut down on stuff when you are listing: i.e., people who still lived at home......

So yea. While editing your essay try to think about how to get across the message with the as little as needed. But of course, you cant go too far in the other direction so you will have a barebone essay, but given your writing tendencies I dont think you will run into that problem.

#2) I would avoid the social life non-existent part, is too much of a emotional plea even if that is not your intention. Difficult to fit, feeling left out would be better descriptions.

#3) Your second last paragraph is too much of a list, and some of the lessons you learnt is not supported by the experience you have written. You want to write lessons that can be implicitly understood from your story. For example, I dont see where you learnt the we are more than what we are from the outside? When you write a giant list without support, it really turns your story into something fake, is like you are trying to force a lesson in a story.

#4) I never understood why people end with I will succeed in law school. Statement is about why you want to go, and also, it just comes slightly arrogant that you absolutely think you will succeed. I would rather end with a diversity conclusion. "Looking forward to the challenge of law school, to contribute to the discussion with my experiences, etc".

[mach9zero]

Most guides will advise against the "woe is me!" personal statement. It's not exactly unique to your situation, and committees are going to read fifty others that go the same way. You also come off as arrogant in not acknowledging that other people, despite being in different financial situations, overtly must have it easier than you. That really contrasts with your section about people "being so much more than what we see them from the outside" I partied and went out most weekends in college - I also worked a full-time job, had my own vehicle, and my credit rating is decent. Just because someone has spending money and a family car, doesn't mean their own life isn't more challenging than yours. That's not fair assessment.

[TLSanders]

You have a lot of weeding out to do. The dark and stormy night intro is just a distraction. Your recitation of the change in your household is too long. And, your drama about studying in your car and such is counterproductive--you may think it makes you sound dedicated and resourceful, but in fact it makes you sound like you're headed for a crash (as does the stuff about having no time for a social life and such). All of that doesn't make you sound like a good candidate for law school; it makes you sound like someone who is hanging on by a thread and shouldn't even be considering adding something as challenging as law school to your plate.

And, the part about the early bad grades and flunking out doesn't belong in your personal statement. That's for an addendum.

All that said, the story of your early perspective, the toll the challenges people face took on your family and how you rallied from it has potential. But, you have a lot of work to do on focus and presentation.

[MistakenGenius]

Post removed.

[Big Dog]

The dark and stormy night intro is just a distraction.

Agreed. And, along with the next phrase, "Be that as it may," a total waste word space. A PS is not the time for "cute".

OTOH, with some pruning of extraneous words (like those above), and more show, not tell, I like where this goes...