I would like help from the TLS members to help review my statement. I got in touch with a professor that went to Berkeley for his undergrad and JD. He's been teaching English for 11 years and holds a PHD. I left his comments in paranthesis (I was going to highlight, but stupid scroll moves all over the place when I highlight the selection). Let me know what you guys think.
Thanks for reading.
I remember waking up terrified to screams outside our apartment in Brooklyn. It was a sweltering summer night in 1990 and I peered through our window to see what was going on. “Give me your purse,” yelled a man holding a woman at gunpoint. Though I was only six years old, I remember being astonished that I did not hear any police sirens for the rest of the night: we were living in a virtually abandoned neighborhood. . My parents worked full-time jobs in Manhattan and commuted by train. Because of their demanding schedules, I would sometimes be left with my cousins, who were not optimal role models, and even exposed me to their violent encounters with peers.
Fearing the effect this unsavory environment would have on me, my parents moved our family out of Brooklyn. They looked to the progressive schools and safe neighborhoods of California to provide a better life for me. Nevertheless, the transition to California was, to say the least, challenging.
Millbrae, California offered a dramatically different setting then I had been used to. Our Brooklyn neighborhood was a densely -populated urban environment that was home to many Hispanics, and in which I could speak Spanish. Yet, only around 10% of the population in Millbrae was Hispanic. I felt frightened and alone because many of my peers socialized exclusively with members of their own ethnic groups. While most of their parents had the resources to pay for private tutors and enroll their children in extracurricular programs that would help them excel in school, my parents had the wisdom to help and encourage me to study so I could reach my fullest potential. The hard work and dedication paid off as I repeatedly made my school’s honor roll, and was accepted to the Junior Statesman of America (JSA) program to study at Stanford University for the summer.
I soon also became the first member of my family to attend college, the Community College of San Mateo. Unfortunately, I had virtually no guidance regarding what degree to pursue or how to transfer to a four-year university. My counselor advised me to take fewer classes and get an Associate’s Degree so I would have a better chance of obtaining a job. But I wanted more than a job, and I began to conduct my own research and ask professors and peers how to transfer to a university. I soon managed to attain all the necessary credits and transferred to San Francisco State University (“SFSU”). [I don’t think you’ll submit the resume to the law schools, but if you do, you might want to add brief reference to CCSM since you note it above—i.e., it could seem odd to leave it out there if you address it here]
One thing I did arrive knowing when I began classes at SFSU was that I wanted to pursue a career in law. My most compelling experience in high school involved serving as lead defense attorney in the Mock Trial club. I found working with real lawyers and studying actual holdings compelling, and the experience gave me a sense not only of the intellectual challenges attorneys face, but the mechanics and dynamics of developing, trying and prosecuting a case. In response to my enthusiasm, my counselor advised me to take courses in Political Science because they provide a “stepping stone” to law school. Of all my academic extracurricular activities, however—which included becoming the Vice President of the Pre-Law Society and a member of the Political Science Student Association— my most valuable experience was a yearlong judicial externship at the San Francisco Superior Court.
As an extern, I was assigned to shadow Judge Charles F. Haines in the “Settlements Court.” [You should briefly explain what this means in terms of criminal law] Hollywood consistently portrays public defenders as skilled practitioners who address a single criminal case at a time and invariably vindicate their clients by presenting impassioned opening and closing arguments. However, the real life public defenders whom I encountered worked exceedingly long hours while managing dozens of cases. I was inspired by the public defenders’ persistent dedication to advocate on behalf of their client’s in multiple contexts. They did not live glamorously or earn lucrative salaries, but they cared deeply about representing their clients. [I’d add a sentence about the memos you researched and wrote, as that is critical and relevant experience for law school: you could say something like, “I had the unusual opportunity to begin researching and writing background memos for my judge regarding [X issues or X kind of issues], which allowed me to see the importance of [Y].” The problem with the above is it focuses entirely on what you observed, and you want to give more detail regarding what you did and what you learned]
Managing part-time work and full-time classes, I soon acquired my Bachelor of Arts degree in Political Science. I worked many temporary jobs while I paid my loans, but my time away from focusing on law only reaffirmed my interest in obtaining a law degree. My desire to attend law school has also been fueled by my share of misfortune. The police have pulled me over dozens of times as part of a practice of racial profiling. By the beginning of 2004, I had been pulled over seventeen times. I once asked an officer why I was being pulled over so often, and he stated, “If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it must be one.” His response was profoundly offensive, and I hired an attorney to help defend me. She was a young, Latina who practiced criminal law and discovered that the police officer had retroactively reported my car as “stolen” to provide him with probable cause for having arbitrarily pulled me over. [I think readers will expect a follow up here: did you win the case, etc? If you didn’t, you’d want to offer something about what the experience taught you about the law, e.g., the importance of researching and using facts]
Furthermore, I recently sued the city of San Francisco successfully. In January 2011, I was the victim of a crime—five intoxicated individuals ambushed me in a public parking garage. The garage had insufficient security measures and only one surveillance camera monitoring all the parking levels. I suffered a fractured nose, lacerations to my face, and the possibility of losing vision in my left eye. Although these individuals were liable for their actions, I felt it was also the responsibility of the garage to provide better security for their patrons. My objective was not only to seek monetary remedy, but to generate a monetary and legal incentive that would help prevent such incidents from happening to others. In response to my interest in the law, my attorney allowed me to help research relevant cases and come up with my own evidence and arguments to help my case. Fortunately, after two years, the city decided to offer me a settlement and increased the garage’s security by hiring more guards and installing more surveillance cameras. [I think you want a brief transition/conclusion here: what did this experience teach you, or how did it inform your interest in a particular aspect of law, etc?]
Aldous Huxley opined that “Experience is not what happens to you; it’s what you do with what happens to you.” I believe I have found ways to turn the misfortunes in my life into opportunities. I have worked hard and diligently to fuel my desire to become a better person and learn from my past events. I will bring to your law school my personal experiences, and with a law degree, the passion and motivation to help my community face social injustices when they see no other solution. [I’d avoid generalizations about your character, passion, etc. as anyone can make such claims: a good litmus test is, can anyone say this (and if so, it’s better to avoid that language). It’s always better to use concrete examples to make your point (e.g., volunteering at a legal clinic might show your dedication to your community or your passion—it’s the same general principle as “show, don’t tell” in writing). I’d conclude the paragraph/essay with something more specific about the kind of law you want to practice—see below. You should end with a gesture toward your specific law career or career trajectory)
