addendum critique please Forum

[pburnside]

My first two semesters in undergrad were very difficult. I was working a full time job and awarded work study in order to help pay for my tuition. I will admit I did not know how to balance work and school on my own so it was difficult for me to manage my study time and work time especially without having a car. I decided to let go of my full time job and keep my work study job at the end of my second semester freshman year in order to raise my 2.3 GPA. Sophomore year I improved on my academics however, I could no longer afford to live on campus because I lost one of my scholarships due to my GPA. I had to live an hour away with a close relative my first half of sophomore year. Hard work and better time management allowed me to bring my GPA from a 2.3 to a 2.6 the end of my sophomore year. My last two years of undergrad I was able to bring my GPA up from a 2.6 to a 2.89.

[lawschool2014hopeful]

Holy...

This sounds/reads like a diary written by a high school cheerleader. The blue text certainly did not help.

I would seriously think about what you want to get across in your personal statement first before writing.

[HRomanus]

Yes, definitely agree with the poster above. Much of the statement is irrelevant and unflattering. Even the basic facts don't flatter you - you were laid off from a law firm, had to re-take the LSAT, couldn't find a job... But it isn't as much the facts as the way you portray them. You come across as very whiny. Not only will this not help you, it may actually hurt you.

This line in particular gets me every time: "...a new CEO was appointed and his new ideas to put more money into his pockets, oops, I meant new ideas to improve the company..." I cannot imagine anyone reading this and wanting you on their team or at their institution.

[mandyjay11]

did I just read the word "shitty" and it wasn't a quote??

Yes. I agree with the above posters, this isn't going to work.

[mach9zero]

You know what's half-assed and shitty? This personal statement.

It actually started out as an attention grabber. I thought "well, the first sentence is too long, but it painted a nice picture." Then, I hit the first, exclamation-question mark combo and knew I took a wrong turn. I'm going to summarize your personal statement, just as the admissions reader will see it.

"I did poorly in college, because I did have to try in high school. I ended up jobless, but took any position because I'm desperate with a law firm. I'll shit talk my boss, and I'll probably shit talk about you. I got laid off from a temp position - although, can you really be laid off a temp position? Then I complain a lot about my financial situation, which shows I have no moral boundaries about working in a strip-joint. Let me shit talk about my family, especially my sister, who I am so much better than despite the fact she has a place and I don't. Within this personal statement, I haven't stated a single positive attribute about myself that would show I'd be successful at your law school, but I'll conclude this by telling you I'm ready - to whoop dat ass NYU."

This has to be a joke.

[Puffin]

This is not salvageable.

Edit: leave the part about law school as your child, pure gold.

[scp08004]

There is a silver lining in this, this PS makes me feel a whole lot better about my own.

But really, you're applying to law school and you imply that you applied to be a stripper. This reeks of sorostitute.

[pburnside]

Yikes! You guys are BRUTALLY honest but I appreciate it thanks! New statement coming soon i guess