Much improved PS draft - Immigrant, Ford / BLS (PT) hopeful Forum

[dreamofNYC]

Am afraid a lot of this will sound chche? I am an int'l student from Romania / resident now. Trying to get into Fordham, Bklyn Law. i plan to stay employed in private equity (solar energy) full time while going to school part time. Look forward to getting your feedback. Thanks so much for reading.

LSAT: 157, C, 163
GPA: 3.9 (Univ of Denver)
6 and 1/2 yrs exp. in private equity in NY
Speak several romance foreign languages


***
One of the most important decisions I made in my life was to sign an educational loan to cover the cost of my graduate studies at Columbia University. The loan was substantial, and I had trouble mentally quantifying the amount of debt I was committing to. It was more than my parents had earned during the course of their entire professional careers (as professors and researchers) in Romania. Being indebted at graduation also meant that I would need to find work that would both sponsor my visa and offer me a salary that was high enough to enable me to meet the payment obligations. I was taking a huge risk by being an international student in debt in the United States, but the opportunity was huge: it was my ticket out of a country with no future, to the chance of a better life as part of a meritocratic society. There were no real trade-offs to my decision. I was not giving up on opportunities, nor a home and the emotional safety net that automatically comes with it. I had spent most of my life in communist Romania where (conditions of material and emotional) poverty created a stressful home environment for my sister and I. We felt compelled, from an early age, to figure out ways to try to navigate through life on our own. Numerous trial and error experiences tested innate abilities such as perseverance, determination, and resilience that I would rely on to bring me success in challenging times and in almost anything I would put my mind to, including repaying the loan.

I found myself at home in New York City and was eager to adapt to the city’s fast rhythm in order to be able to take advantage of the wealth of opportunities it offered. I felt privileged to be part of such a talented and diverse group of students, and knew that I could learn so much from just building relationships with my classmates. Unlike in Europe, the class format was discussion-driven, and students were encouraged to express their opinion and even challenge the professor. It was through such open discussion that I often experienced a shift in my way of thinking, from taking my beliefs for granted to exploring my own thought process with curiosity and openness; and I loved it when someone would cause me to change my mind. I have also used the two years at Columbia as a platform to develop skills that turned out to be valuable throughout my career. I was awarded two teaching assistantships that enabled me to practice my public speaking skills in the context of a multicultural environment, which often involved looking at an issue from various perspectives, an exercise that facilitated the development of a flexible way of thinking that I engage each time I have to learn something new or am faced with a new situation.

My educational experience at SIPA also informed my career choice post graduation. Through coursework and discussions with my classmates, I became aware of various success stories of people in developing countries fighting poverty through simple, ingenious, dynamic, and effective micro-enterprise solutions that require little investment capital, yet have an enormous power to transform people’s lives. I became especially fascinated by the power of technological and small-scale renewable energy solutions to transform communities and lift people out of poverty. There seems to be no shortage of great ideas but simply political willingness to put such ideas into practice through equally ingenious, fresh solutions. It became evident to me that the world had to work together to facilitate climate-friendly economic growth by all countries regardless of level of development. This was the future and I planned to be part of it. I just had to find the best way to do it.

The transition to the professional world could not have been more rewarding. I was offered work with an investment adviser at the intersection of climate change regulation, science and business. Over more than six years of working at the firm I was thrilled to witness how rules can lead to significant investments in clean energy solutions and greenhouse gas reductions. *Name of Firm* was one of the first players in a very specialized market that was created by a pioneering international climate agreement - the Kyoto Protocol. We were navigating new territories and employing new ways of doing things. As such, almost every business decision involved thorough consultations with in-house and outside legal counsels. I had the opportunity of working closely with the in-house legal team, an experience that exposed me to the creative ways attorneys employ the law as a problem-solving framework for a variety of business and transactional issues. I felt privileged to be part of the team, and saw each assignment as an opportunity to learn something new about the law or develop a new skill. In response to successful contributions I was bringing to the team, the attorneys felt comfortable to entrust me with projects of legal nature they wished to save time on. I was also asked to manage certain key components of longer-term special projects, such as international arbitrations related to substantial investments, and enjoyed the satisfaction to witness such projects coming to a successful outcome for the firm and its clients. In addition, I strived to find ways to help the team work more efficiently. As such, I developed the firm’s knowledge management platforms (the intranet and a system for tracking contractual obligations for the entire portfolio of transactions), and maintained the corporate books for more than 60 onshore and offshore entities.

My encounter with law at the intersection of climate change and development convinced me that law is an effective tool to bring about desired results in people’s efforts to improve their lives and tackle climate-change related challenges. I am excited with the possibility of enrolling in your program as a concrete next step in realizing my professional aspirations.

[lawschool2014hopeful]

The only reasonable response you are going to find anywhere is retake. I think I saw from your other posts this was your first score.

[tpfennin]

The only reasonable response you are going to find anywhere is retake. I think I saw from your other posts this was your first score.

[dreamofNYC]

The only reasonable response you are going to find anywhere is retake. I think I saw from your other posts this was your first score.

This was my 3rd score. Why is it not enough for Fordham / Bklyn Law? Other posters said I was competitive. Also in this post I am trying to get some feedback on my personal statement.

Why would two people post the same unhelpful response?

Thanks all!

[lawschool2014hopeful]

Okay now you editted your OP this makes alot more sense.

You are competitive for Fordham, but with your GPA it seems like a waste of time/money to do so.

But since you are only doing PT, I suppose this makes SOME sense.

But given your situation, as you dont need to start your PT right now, you could sit out a cycle, increase your LSAT by few more points and secure $$ at Fordham. 1 giant ass loan in your life should be enough.

As for the PS,

I think is fairly interesting, perhaps you could talk more in the struggle you had in NY and what you have learnt. You sort of just brushed over it quickly, and this suppose to be a risky decision, talk about some of the risks, the wavering doubts of your situation and how you managed through it.

[dreamofNYC]

Okay now you editted your OP this makes alot more sense.

You are competitive for Fordham, but with your GPA it seems like a waste of time/money to do so.

But since you are only doing PT, I suppose this makes SOME sense.

But given your situation, as you dont need to start your PT right now, you could sit out a cycle, increase your LSAT by few more points and secure $$ at Fordham. 1 giant ass loan in your life should be enough.

As for the PS,

I think is fairly interesting, perhaps you could talk more in the struggle you had in NY and what you have learnt. You sort of just brushed over it quickly, and this suppose to be a risky decision, talk about some of the risks, the wavering doubts of your situation and how you managed through it.

Thanks so much for the time you took to read my personal statement, and your kind feedback. I also thought the second part of the statement covering my time in the US needed more "beef", so I am going to work on it today.

You are right that I should probably try to get a higher LSAT score. The thing is I can't take it until June 2015, which means that I wouldn't be able to go back to school until Fall 2016, when I'll be 37. And I do want to also get married at some point and have children haha:)) But I want to get law school out of the way first.

So I am thinking why not go to Fordham or Bklyn Law (both PT) while still employed (and pay for law school through employment), as opposed to \waiting to take the LSAT to go a better ranked school full time a few years down the road? Is the quality of education that much different between Fordham, Bklyn and NYU for example? Or are we talking about employment prospects (which I don't really care about b/c I will be having a more or less secure job career once I graduate from law school).

Thanks for reading and for your kind feedback.

[lawschool2014hopeful]

Okay now you editted your OP this makes alot more sense.

You are competitive for Fordham, but with your GPA it seems like a waste of time/money to do so.

But since you are only doing PT, I suppose this makes SOME sense.

But given your situation, as you dont need to start your PT right now, you could sit out a cycle, increase your LSAT by few more points and secure $$ at Fordham. 1 giant ass loan in your life should be enough.

As for the PS,

I think is fairly interesting, perhaps you could talk more in the struggle you had in NY and what you have learnt. You sort of just brushed over it quickly, and this suppose to be a risky decision, talk about some of the risks, the wavering doubts of your situation and how you managed through it.

Thanks so much for the time you took to read my personal statement, and your kind feedback. I also thought the second part of the statement covering my time in the US needed more "beef", so I am going to work on it today.

You are right that I should probably try to get a higher LSAT score. The thing is I can't take it until June 2015, which means that I wouldn't be able to go back to school until Fall 2016, when I'll be 37. And I do want to also get married at some point and have children haha:)) But I want to get law school out of the way first.

So I am thinking why not go to Fordham or Bklyn Law (both PT) while still employed (and pay for law school through employment), as opposed to \waiting to take the LSAT to go a better ranked school full time a few years down the road? Is the quality of education that much different between Fordham, Bklyn and NYU for example? Or are we talking about employment prospects (which I don't really care about b/c I will be having a more or less secure job career once I graduate from law school).

Thanks for reading and for your kind feedback.

No problem. I will be glad to read your new draft.

Ah, I see, that makes sense to apply now.

Retake advice is mostly due to the fact lower ranked schools have terrible employment outcomes. But I suppose in your situation is quite different. As for the quality of education, I have no idea, I think the general consensus it does not differ that much.

You are probably better off discussing your situation with couple of practising lawyers in other sections of the forums or in real life before making a firm decision.

[dreamofNYC]

Okay now you editted your OP this makes alot more sense.

You are competitive for Fordham, but with your GPA it seems like a waste of time/money to do so.

But since you are only doing PT, I suppose this makes SOME sense.

But given your situation, as you dont need to start your PT right now, you could sit out a cycle, increase your LSAT by few more points and secure $$ at Fordham. 1 giant ass loan in your life should be enough.

As for the PS,

I think is fairly interesting, perhaps you could talk more in the struggle you had in NY and what you have learnt. You sort of just brushed over it quickly, and this suppose to be a risky decision, talk about some of the risks, the wavering doubts of your situation and how you managed through it.

Thanks so much for the time you took to read my personal statement, and your kind feedback. I also thought the second part of the statement covering my time in the US needed more "beef", so I am going to work on it today.

You are right that I should probably try to get a higher LSAT score. The thing is I can't take it until June 2015, which means that I wouldn't be able to go back to school until Fall 2016, when I'll be 37. And I do want to also get married at some point and have children haha:)) But I want to get law school out of the way first.

So I am thinking why not go to Fordham or Bklyn Law (both PT) while still employed (and pay for law school through employment), as opposed to \waiting to take the LSAT to go a better ranked school full time a few years down the road? Is the quality of education that much different between Fordham, Bklyn and NYU for example? Or are we talking about employment prospects (which I don't really care about b/c I will be having a more or less secure job career once I graduate from law school).

Thanks for reading and for your kind feedback.

No problem. I will be glad to read your new draft.

Ah, I see, that makes sense to apply now.

Retake advice is mostly due to the fact lower ranked schools have terrible employment outcomes. But I suppose in your situation is quite different. As for the quality of education, I have no idea, I think the general consensus it does not differ that much.

You are probably better off discussing your situation with couple of practising lawyers in other sections of the forums or in real life before making a firm decision.

Thank you so much. I modified the original post with my latest and hopfully much improved version. I used your very helpful feedback!! If you have a few minutes to look over this version, I would be grateful. Thank you so, so much.

Claudia

[lawschool2014hopeful]

Okay I am going to comment on this paragraph by paragraph, but in general, dont use brackets. If information is not important enough in a normal sentence, is not important to be in a personal statement. Writing a good PS is a test of precision.

P1:
The loan was substantial, and I had trouble mentally quantifying the amount of debt I was committing to.
--> Unnecessary, the next couple sentences already convey this.

Romania has no future is bit over-dramatic.
--> just remove that phrase

I wouldnt say there was no trade off with your decision, that sort just counters your idea of introducing that taking this loan was a big decision.

Something like, despite the large risk I was taking, I felt the decision was easy because we were raised in a environment where we knew we had to take risks if we wanted to get out.

I wouldnt call perseverance/determination innate.

P2:
You ended P1 with being tested, and persevering in face of these challenges, but you completely disconnect from such challenges in P2. The new environment discussion is good and all but it doesnt flow naturally from P1

P3: This makes sense in connecting with P2, but the P1 to P2 disconnect is still a problem. Also this paragraph has a bit over simplification/optimism, that the only thing stopping these amazing solutions is lack of political willing.

P4: You can be more concise/elegant with your writing in this paragraph.

I think overall the way this story is turning out, you should ditch the international/loan aspect. You would need A New Beginning, try to really think what you got you to really interested in your line of work prior to your exposure to Columbia. If your experience at Columbia drove you to do what you do now, then start with that, but obviously with a more elegant/narrative opening.

[dreamofNYC]

Okay I am going to comment on this paragraph by paragraph, but in general, dont use brackets. If information is not important enough in a normal sentence, is not important to be in a personal statement. Writing a good PS is a test of precision.

P1:
The loan was substantial, and I had trouble mentally quantifying the amount of debt I was committing to.
--> Unnecessary, the next couple sentences already convey this.

Romania has no future is bit over-dramatic.
--> just remove that phrase

I wouldnt say there was no trade off with your decision, that sort just counters your idea of introducing that taking this loan was a big decision.

Something like, despite the large risk I was taking, I felt the decision was easy because we were raised in a environment where we knew we had to take risks if we wanted to get out.

I wouldnt call perseverance/determination innate.

P2:
You ended P1 with being tested, and persevering in face of these challenges, but you completely disconnect from such challenges in P2. The new environment discussion is good and all but it doesnt flow naturally from P1

P3: This makes sense in connecting with P2, but the P1 to P2 disconnect is still a problem. Also this paragraph has a bit over simplification/optimism, that the only thing stopping these amazing solutions is lack of political willing.

P4: You can be more concise/elegant with your writing in this paragraph.

I think overall the way this story is turning out, you should ditch the international/loan aspect. You would need a new beginning, try to really think what you got you to really interested in your line of work prior to your exposure to Columbia. If your experience at Columbia drove you to do what you do now, then start with that, but obviously with a more elegant/narrative opening.

This was extremely helpful. I agree: "Writing a good PS is a test of precision." And never thought about it this way. This was a great exercise in writing well, and I never imagined it would be so difficult. I wish I hadn't left it for the last moment...

So I pruned it to 2 pages. I took out a lot of the unnecessary wording you identified. I also added some wording towards the end of the essay that ties into to the financial obligation issue from P1, b/c I agree, there was a disconnect between P1 and the rest of the essay. I wanted to keep the financial obligation element in my essay because it was a huge decision for me and I am an atypical int'l student that way - most int'l students that come to the US to study are usually well-funded, usually through gov. grants or through personal / family funds. I took out a private / unguaranteed loan as part of a wave of easy credit (I could have easily become a toxic asset had I not found a job immediately; thank god it didn't happen). lol

I think you should become an admissions consultant and charge for all the very helpful feedback

So I appreciate your kindness in going through my essay and providing me with your comments.

Thanks again.

[dreamofNYC]

You are probably better off discussing your situation with couple of practising lawyers in other sections of the forums or in real life before making a firm decision.

Again, I didn't even think to seek such advice on this forum. I've only browsed through the LSAT and Personal Statement fora, but I am also going to try to seek career advice from practicing lawyers. Thanks for opening my eyes:))

[lawschool2014hopeful]

Np man.

I enjoy doing this sort of stuff so no worries.

PM me your latest copy if you want.

In general, dont refer to TLS for actual serious real life advice. What you will notice that alot of the active posters are 0L who have no idea what they are saying except repeating the mantras of the forum, and pretending that they do.

[Toby Ziegler]

The above posts commented on the content/substance of your PS; I would add from a stylistic standpoint, you use a fair amount of passive voice (e.g. using "Be verbs" am, is, are, were, was, be, being, and been) which takes away from the power of your prose. For instance you state, "I was thrilled..." instead of using this verbiage switch the wording around, "...over six years of working at the firm it thrilled me to witness first hand how rules can lead..."

If you stay away from passive voice as much as possible it brings extra force to your writing. HTH

[NYC-WVU]

The above posts commented on the content/substance of your PS; I would add from a stylistic standpoint, you use a fair amount of passive voice (e.g. using "Be verbs" am, is, are, were, was, be, being, and been) which takes away from the power of your prose. For instance you state, "I was thrilled..." instead of using this verbiage switch the wording around, "...over six years of working at the firm it thrilled me to witness first hand how rules can lead..."

If you stay away from passive voice as much as possible it brings extra force to your writing. HTH

Toby's suggestion to avoid passive voice is a good one, but it comes with a risk that you should be cognizant of. Specifically, if you are not a superb writer, I think you run the risk of having disagreement between certain phrases and the subject the phrase is directed to. For example, if an original sentence said: "Having been left in the oven far too long, the cake was burned." You couldn't simply change that to "Having been left in the oven far too long, I had burned the cake." Because the modified sentence would imply that you had been left in the oven far too long, rather than the cake. I'm not saying you shouldn't avoid the passive voice, particularly in a personal statement. Toby is correct that it would be much stronger to use active voice. But, you should know the risks, and don't change anything that sounds good to your ear into something that sounds awkward but that you think might be correct.

Also, I believe that "; and" is redundant. You can string two short sentences together with either ", and" or with a semicolon. I don't think you need both, and it might be incorrect. I would also suggest that you avoid using semicolons (and colons) in general. In complex legal writing they are sometimes unnavoidable, but in telling a story they shouldn't be necessary and they're tricky.

[Toby Ziegler]

The above posts commented on the content/substance of your PS; I would add from a stylistic standpoint, you use a fair amount of passive voice (e.g. using "Be verbs" am, is, are, were, was, be, being, and been) which takes away from the power of your prose. For instance you state, "I was thrilled..." instead of using this verbiage switch the wording around, "...over six years of working at the firm it thrilled me to witness first hand how rules can lead..."

If you stay away from passive voice as much as possible it brings extra force to your writing. HTH

Toby's suggestion to avoid passive voice is a good one, but it comes with a risk that you should be cognizant of. Specifically, if you are not a superb writer, I think you run the risk of having disagreement between certain phrases and the subject the phrase is directed to. For example, if an original sentence said: "Having been left in the oven far too long, the cake was burned." You couldn't simply change that to "Having been left in the oven far too long, I had burned the cake." Because the modified sentence would imply that you had been left in the oven far too long, rather than the cake. I'm not saying you shouldn't avoid the passive voice, particularly in a personal statement. Toby is correct that it would be much stronger to use active voice. But, you should know the risks, and don't change anything that sounds good to your ear into something that sounds awkward but that you think might be correct.

Also, I believe that "; and" is redundant. You can string two short sentences together with either ", and" or with a semicolon. I don't think you need both, and it might be incorrect. I would also suggest that you avoid using semicolons (and colons) in general. In complex legal writing they are sometimes unnavoidable, but in telling a story they shouldn't be necessary and they're tricky.

This is a great point thanks for adding. I should have qualified my suggestion. Don't alter your PS if the concept of passive and active voice don't fully click (I assume everyone is liberal arts type major for some reason). And don't get me wrong passive voice can serve a purpose as long as it it implemented correctly.

[dreamofNYC]

The above posts commented on the content/substance of your PS; I would add from a stylistic standpoint, you use a fair amount of passive voice (e.g. using "Be verbs" am, is, are, were, was, be, being, and been) which takes away from the power of your prose. For instance you state, "I was thrilled..." instead of using this verbiage switch the wording around, "...over six years of working at the firm it thrilled me to witness first hand how rules can lead..."

If you stay away from passive voice as much as possible it brings extra force to your writing. HTH

Toby's suggestion to avoid passive voice is a good one, but it comes with a risk that you should be cognizant of. Specifically, if you are not a superb writer, I think you run the risk of having disagreement between certain phrases and the subject the phrase is directed to. For example, if an original sentence said: "Having been left in the oven far too long, the cake was burned." You couldn't simply change that to "Having been left in the oven far too long, I had burned the cake." Because the modified sentence would imply that you had been left in the oven far too long, rather than the cake. I'm not saying you shouldn't avoid the passive voice, particularly in a personal statement. Toby is correct that it would be much stronger to use active voice. But, you should know the risks, and don't change anything that sounds good to your ear into something that sounds awkward but that you think might be correct.

Also, I believe that "; and" is redundant. You can string two short sentences together with either ", and" or with a semicolon. I don't think you need both, and it might be incorrect. I would also suggest that you avoid using semicolons (and colons) in general. In complex legal writing they are sometimes unnavoidable, but in telling a story they shouldn't be necessary and they're tricky.

This is a great point thanks for adding. I should have qualified my suggestion. Don't alter your PS if the concept of passive and active voice don't fully click (I assume everyone is liberal arts type major for some reason). And don't get me wrong passive voice can serve a purpose as long as it it implemented correctly.

Guys I got into Fordham!! I am sorry I haven't responded, but I did take in all of your comments seriously )) I am so psyched!!

[Toby Ziegler]

The above posts commented on the content/substance of your PS; I would add from a stylistic standpoint, you use a fair amount of passive voice (e.g. using "Be verbs" am, is, are, were, was, be, being, and been) which takes away from the power of your prose. For instance you state, "I was thrilled..." instead of using this verbiage switch the wording around, "...over six years of working at the firm it thrilled me to witness first hand how rules can lead..."

If you stay away from passive voice as much as possible it brings extra force to your writing. HTH

Toby's suggestion to avoid passive voice is a good one, but it comes with a risk that you should be cognizant of. Specifically, if you are not a superb writer, I think you run the risk of having disagreement between certain phrases and the subject the phrase is directed to. For example, if an original sentence said: "Having been left in the oven far too long, the cake was burned." You couldn't simply change that to "Having been left in the oven far too long, I had burned the cake." Because the modified sentence would imply that you had been left in the oven far too long, rather than the cake. I'm not saying you shouldn't avoid the passive voice, particularly in a personal statement. Toby is correct that it would be much stronger to use active voice. But, you should know the risks, and don't change anything that sounds good to your ear into something that sounds awkward but that you think might be correct.

Also, I believe that "; and" is redundant. You can string two short sentences together with either ", and" or with a semicolon. I don't think you need both, and it might be incorrect. I would also suggest that you avoid using semicolons (and colons) in general. In complex legal writing they are sometimes unnavoidable, but in telling a story they shouldn't be necessary and they're tricky.

This is a great point thanks for adding. I should have qualified my suggestion. Don't alter your PS if the concept of passive and active voice don't fully click (I assume everyone is liberal arts type major for some reason). And don't get me wrong passive voice can serve a purpose as long as it it implemented correctly.

Guys I got into Fordham!! I am sorry I haven't responded, but I did take in all of your comments seriously )) I am so psyched!!

Glad everything worked out the way you wanted it to!

[dreamofNYC]

Okay now you editted your OP this makes alot more sense.

You are competitive for Fordham, but with your GPA it seems like a waste of time/money to do so.

But since you are only doing PT, I suppose this makes SOME sense.

But given your situation, as you dont need to start your PT right now, you could sit out a cycle, increase your LSAT by few more points and secure $$ at Fordham. 1 giant ass loan in your life should be enough.

As for the PS,

I think is fairly interesting, perhaps you could talk more in the struggle you had in NY and what you have learnt. You sort of just brushed over it quickly, and this suppose to be a risky decision, talk about some of the risks, the wavering doubts of your situation and how you managed through it.

Thanks again for all your help with the PS. You have been extremely kind and thorough with your feedback. I got into the school I wanted (Fordham), so thank you.