PS - Critique my 1st draft please Forum

[Anonymous User]

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[HRomanus]

I need to say this up front: your writing is incredibly basic. It comes across as if you wrote it in five minutes without any forethought or editing.

From then on I wanted to be an immigration lawyer.

My aspirations do not stop with developing houses...

...I would like to become a real estate lawyer...

Oh man.

You need to erase this entire statement and plan out another one. Develop a common theme or thesis that organizes your statement and its constituent narratives. That theme really shouldn't be about "why law," which is hard to do well even when you aren't wanting to be a real-estate developer and work in two legal fields. Tell me a story that positively reveals who you are as a person. You can even pick one of the incidents you mentioned here - perhaps the work with Habitat for Humanity.

[skri65]

I second what the above post said. This is a very generic personal statement. There is very little substance, and there is a lot of cliche...very little creativity. I am going to highlight the types of sentences that emphasize what I am talking about.

The first time I knew I wanted to be a lawyer was in the sixth grade.

This is generic.

From then on I wanted to be an immigration lawyer.

Again, this sentence is generic.

Through the nine years, since sixth grade, I kept my friends in mind but I started to look at a broader picture.

...

In college, I developed a linear regression that calculated high school graduation rates. It turned out that socioeconomic factors contributed the most to high school graduation rates.

This is better because it is specific.

I would be a good candidate for law school because I am thoughtful.

You should think long and hard about why you shouldn't include this statement in a personal statement.

As previously shown, I have a tendency to take into consideration the aspirations and needs of others before I make decisions.

Again, think about how this makes you sound. Don't say broad self-flattering statements like this. SHOW it through your accomplishments.

I believe law school will further help me to dissect arguments and refine my goals. I would like to go to law school to accentuate my talents and fulfill my goals.

This statement says very little about you because these two statements can be attributed to 99% of the rest of their applicants. Everyone wants to go to law school to achieve their goals. Get what I'm saying?

Good luck.

[Gooner91]

I do not think that your first sentence is a good start. Others might disagree but I do not think it comes across as thoughtful when you say you decided you would do something when you were 12 years old. It seems as if you are going to law school because you always wanted too and have not really thought out the consequences of doing so. I would not trust a 12 year old to make a life altering decision.

[mach9zero]

I'm going to be frank, if you didn't write this in ten minutes half asleep and this is at least 80% of the level of quality you produce, you need to take a writing course before even considering attending law school. That's the harsh reality.

I like your enthusiasm for why you want to be a lawyer. I don't think your desire to help others less fortunate is a negative, but your evidence for that written here definitely is. If you've done Habitat for Humanity or CPACS and can write in-depth about your experience, then focus on that. No one actually knows what they want to be in sixth grade, and it seems trite to relate a major decision like law school to a thought you had in sixth grade.

Next, you told me two completely different fields of law you want to do. The program is JD program, and once you're admitted you can decide any which way you'd like to go. Maybe you'll throw this whole helping others thing under the bus and go directly into litigation support for tobacco companies. But as of now, if you're topic is helping others, you need to stress that you're only goal is to help others and make me believe it.

Finally, there are a lot of odd statements written throughout this. "I kept my friends in mind," what does that mean? You're opening paragraph about your "many" peers being illegal immigrants, needs to be erased. And your college research experience really needs to be reworded. " I developed a linear regression that calculated high school graduation rates. It turned out that socioeconomic factors contributed the most to high school graduation rates." duh. This isn't a ground breaking conclusion. "It turned out..." No shit, everyone knows this. Then... "naturally" you created a causation without any further evidence or statistical analysis. Plus, you equate leisure time with education, when those would be counted separately. And Gerrymandering is related to political influence and drawing boundaries for political gain, the term you want is redistricting. And get rid of it unless THAT is the topic of your personal statement (which is shouldn't be).

[HRomanus]

" I developed a linear regression that calculated high school graduation rates. It turned out that socioeconomic factors contributed the most to high school graduation rates." duh. This isn't a ground breaking conclusion. "It turned out..." No shit, everyone knows this. Then... "naturally" you created a causation without any further evidence or statistical analysis. Plus, you equate leisure time with education, when those would be counted separately. And Gerrymandering is related to political influence and drawing boundaries for political gain, the term you want is redistricting. And get rid of it unless THAT is the topic of your personal statement (which is shouldn't be).

I had to laugh when I first read the statement. There are over a million articles on Google Scholar about education and socioeconomic factors, but the OP conducted groundbreaking research so maybe his was the first. I loved that his solution to the problem was making poor people no longer poor - like NSS, but how do you do that? Print money? Wealth redistribution? And how he wanted to make neighborhoods where the projects intermixed with the millionaires. That would seem to exacerbate the issue, as Joe Projects lives in the shadow (and resentment) of J. Hot Shot.

What government does he envision?
What kind of totalitarian role do lawyers play in this scenario?