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[Anonymous User]

Deleted!

Ill post another rough draft shortly.

Thanks for the help everyone.

[aviatrixsteff]

Don't start off with "One of the most memorable activities during my sophomore year..."

[patogordo]

Don't start off with "One of the most memorable activities during my sophomore year..."

yea. in general, just get to the action. "My sophomore year I..." etc

[Anonymous User]

Thanks! Anything else?

[aviatrixsteff]

I like the main point- the device and where it got you. The delivery is lacking.
Use stronger verbs and shorter sentences.
Also, watch out for repetition. The word device occurs too many times at the beginning.
"The following day we noted a business plan competition at the XXXX business school and decided to enter the competition."
Sounds better as
"We entered a plan for our product in a competition at XXX business school."
Things like that.

[Anonymous User]

Wonderful thank you!

[riverwater]

We discussed what we had recently learned in class and fused our knowledge, he was a double major in XXXX and XXXX and I was a double major in XXXX and XXXX.

One seminar in particular caught my attention, it was a lecture by a patent attorney directed towards the protection of Intellectual Property.

I did plenty of research and decided to pursue a career in Intellectual Property, in doing so I would provide engineers and start-up companies with a way to patent their ideas without having to forfeit all the potential benefit to larger entities.

A week before taking the LSATs my mother called me in tears informing me that she had finalized her decision to divorce my stepfather, I supported her fully.

You comma splice like crazy! Use a period or semicolon instead.

[oshberg28]

Mostly comma errors. See below:

One of the most memorable activities during my sophomore year in college was staying up late exploring novel concepts with my roommate. We discussed what we had recently learned in class and fused our knowledge, he was a double major in XXXX and XXXX and I was a double major in XXXX and XXXX.
Make this two separate sentences, or use a semicolon after "knowledge".

On one of those sleepless, yet entertaining, nights we invented a handheld medical device which could diagnose hospital patients using only a small blood sample.
I think the comma should be after "nights".

We attended the mandatory information sessions on a wide array of subject matters primary centered around business development. One seminar in particular caught my attention, it was a lecture by a patent attorney directed towards the protection of Intellectual Property.
"primarily" vice "primary"
Again, no comma after "attention" - either semicolon or make this two separate sentences. Or restructure the sentence into something like "a lecture by a patent attorney directed towards the protection of Intellectual Property caught my attention".

The competition and our business venture ended but my interest in Intellectual Property continued.

Comma after "ended" - if you split up these two clauses, they become independent (they make complete sentences when broken up - thus, use a comma).

I did plenty of research and decided to pursue a career in Intellectual Property, in doing so I would provide engineers and start-up companies with a way to patent their ideas without having to forfeit all the potential benefit to larger entities.
Don't use "did" - use "conducted" or "completed", etc.
Comma again after "Property" - either semicolon or make two sentences, or restructure this sentence.

A week before taking the LSATs my mother called me in tears informing me that she had finalized her decision to divorce my stepfather, I supported her fully.
"LSAT" and not "LSATs". Another comma error after "stepfather".

I'm just going to stop here. You really need to show your essay to an English teacher or a friend who has a strong command of grammar. If you turned this PS in as is, I don't think the adcomms would be able to get past the grammar issues.

[Anonymous User]

Thanks again everyone, it is my first draft. I should have proofread it prior to posting. Nevertheless, thank you! Anyone else?

[aviatrixsteff]

I just wanted to say don't be discouraged! Rough drafts are called rough for a reason!