Diversity Statement - any comments/criticism welcome Forum

[asdfjk11]

thanks!

[retaking23]

This is a great DS and it is, overall, well written in that it is concise yet effective. I especially liked your use of the two quotes (i.e., to juxtapose the "fob" and "whitewashed" labels) because they give your narrative a smooth structure.

I do have a few suggestions for minor tweaks:

1. You write that you refuse to be pigeonholed by labels but in the sentence preceding you describe your ironic identities as a fob and a whitewashed Korean. You should make it clear that these are labels society has cast on you and, more importantly, certainly not ones which you attribute to yourself. I know you were getting to this point anyway but the first sentence is a bit misleading.

2. You did not develop a hybrid cultural identity--- no one person develops a unique cultural identity. This sentence is awkward. Writing something like "My experience as a Korean immigrant has allowed me to embrace the best of both cultures" is more effective.

3. The transition to and explanation of the significance of your backpacking are too rushed. Elaborate a little more.

[asdfjk11]

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[papercut]

I don't think this DS will work.

The focus seems to be on how others reacted to you. Your reactions don't seem very special at all. You picked up on handshakes and milkshakes. So what?

I wouldn't mention the backpacking. It's too cliche. After all, it's just a vacation.

If you do stick with this, I'd cut "dude" out form the opening. I think it's distracting. It's at the very start of your first sentence. Whatever goes there gets emphasized. Hard.

It's hard to write a DS as an Asian. Asians are overrepresented, and you've assimilated.

[asdfjk11]

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[papercut]

If you write a DS you won't get much of a bump based on diversity.

But, I think you do have some good writer's instincts. After several edits you could wow them with your writing (only if your PS is just as good). That'll give you the best bump you can hope for.

If you have something to say, write about it. It should be related to diversity, but most things are. Don't think much about what will work or not. Just get excited to tell a story, and tell it well. A short scene from your childhood as a gosling might do.

[retaking23]

I wouldn't worry too much about the length so long as it is less than three pages. A strong DS two pages double spaced is much better than a one paged one that's simply decent. You should write about the backpacking if you feel it adds to your diversity and helped you improve in a certain way. (Think something along the lines of: "Backpacking made me far more aware of the fundamental similarities across cultures than our superficial differences.") If you are including it just to argue that you are diverse because you are well-traveled, then I think it may hurt your cause because, as has been pointed out, such an angle is very cliche and may even make you look pretentious.

I agree with Papercut that it is difficult to write a DS as an Asian. (I'm one too!) But, try to express sincerity in what you write and focus more on how your background has empowered you over anything else. Also, like Papercut wrote, perhaps the best we Asians can do with the DS is use it to further showcase our writing. Keep in mind that the DS, given your traditional immigrant story, will not easily wow the reader content wise so don't try too hard to make it do so.

Also, don't get too disheartened by what Papercut writes. His comments are actually very helpful and he tells it like it is. If you can satisfy him then you're on the right track. Good luck!