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papercut
- Posts: 1446
- Joined: Sat Dec 01, 2012 6:48 pm
Re: Personal Statement Take 2, please help
It seems like you could tell some really interesting stories about your AmeriCorps experiences. I'd much rather read that than what you have right now.
If you tell a story you can avoid uncomfortable passages like:
Why don't you tell us a story so we can infer these awesome characteristics about your on our own?
Your first paragraph is awkward. It starts out pretty well. Your parents are funny. Then you make it seem like they don't get public service. I'd avoid painting anyone, especially my parents, in a negative light unless it's unavoidable.
Also, who says "emabrk" these days? It sounds stuffy. I wouldn't use it in my writing. You used it twice in three lines.
Your use of "in fact" is completely unnecessary. No one would think you were making things up. In general try to get rid of any unnecessary words or phrases.
I think it would be a very bad idea to append some generic "Why X" paragraph at the end of this. It'll be transparent.
If you tell a story you can avoid uncomfortable passages like:
I cringed pretty hard while reading that.I may not be the strongest or most skillful person for a job I am not afraid to step up and give it my all. I am recognized as being one of the most enthusiastic people at service projects as well as being an exceptionally hard worker.
Why don't you tell us a story so we can infer these awesome characteristics about your on our own?
Your first paragraph is awkward. It starts out pretty well. Your parents are funny. Then you make it seem like they don't get public service. I'd avoid painting anyone, especially my parents, in a negative light unless it's unavoidable.
Also, who says "emabrk" these days? It sounds stuffy. I wouldn't use it in my writing. You used it twice in three lines.
Your use of "in fact" is completely unnecessary. No one would think you were making things up. In general try to get rid of any unnecessary words or phrases.
I think it would be a very bad idea to append some generic "Why X" paragraph at the end of this. It'll be transparent.
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act
- Posts: 13
- Joined: Sat Jan 25, 2014 6:41 pm
Re: Personal Statement Take 2, please help
Cool thanks for the feedback. I definitely do use "embark" irl but I did not realize I had used it three times...I am trying to get this done fast but I guess speeding through is not working out. I also have started writing a couple stories but always end up cutting them out because I can't seem to fit them into the two page length requirement. I'll work harder at that though.
