1st draft - any assistance welcomed Forum

[Anonymous User]

Edit: Thanks again yall.

[xmbeckham]

Good start.

The second and third paragraphs can certainly be shortened to a few sentences of background introduction. Also, though you have a very long paragraph describing your job responsibilities, too little detail is provided in relating what you have done in the soldier's case. Give concrete examples. Why is your report better and more consoling? What details in the report have you changed and why? Has your emotion fluctuated throughout the whole process? Delete the vague and general phrases.

Like your final paragraph.

[mach9zero]

Here is the first draft of my personal statement. All criticism is welcomed. I can't decide if it's the best or worst essay I've ever written. Can't thank yall enough.

Eighty hour plus workweeks for nearly one year could take a toll on anyone. It certainly did not help the situation when temperatures frequently reached 120 degrees and indirect enemy fire/u] was just another day at the office. Yet, my deployment to COUNTRY as a JOB only strengthened my desire to serve others. I recognized [discovered, learned, understood, comprehended] the significant impact that working with the Judge Advocate General’s (JAG) Corps could have when an accident prematurely took the life of a young soldier ...that I .

It's a very good personal topic, well done. It tailors specific to your background and decision for law school without overtly-gloating. Well done.

I will say, I hate this first paragraph. It's very awkward and I would revise it. I also would go along with the suggestion of cutting down on job responsibilities, and include more about your pursuit in joining JAG. Great closing paragraph. Read over your wording. I made corrections in this first paragraph, but I honestly this part. That's it, overall well done.

[BerkeleyMan5]

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[Anonymous User]

Gratitude to all for taking the time to provide critique. I will definitely incorporate your suggestions.

The second and third paragraphs can certainly be shortened to a few sentences of background introduction. Also, though you have a very long paragraph describing your job responsibilities, too little detail is provided in relating what you have done in the soldier's case. Give concrete examples. Why is your report better and more consoling? What details in the report have you changed and why? Has your emotion fluctuated throughout the whole process? Delete the vague and general phrases.

I understand what you mean and felt conflicted writing that paragraph. I intentionally left it broad because I felt being more detailed about the situation came off as exploitative of a tragedy. I also did not want to seem too critical of the IO. Am I being too sensitive?