Please Critique: First Draft PS Forum

[Anonymous User]

My senior year at California State University, Long Beach, having by this time taken almost all Law, Politics and Policy courses available, I enrolled into a course entitled “Senior Seminar in Law, Politics and Policy” with Professor Kaskla. Over my undergraduate career, I took every course offered by Professor Kaskla; I admired his idealist views and strong opinion on how law should be understood. On the first day of class, Professor Kaskla asked the entire class to raise their hand if they were planning on attending law school after graduation, immediately I raised my hand, since for as long as I could recall, attending law school and becoming an attorney was my life long dream.

Being a familiar face to Professor Kaskla, he called on me first and asked me the age-old question, “Why do you want to practice law?” He chuckled and asserted that his main purpose of asking this question was to persuade me and my fellow classmates not go to law school because, “law school is not for everyone” and “most students who are interested in going to law school do not understand the commitment and sacrifices you must make to practice law.” At that point, I thought to myself and reminded myself why I took this path in the first place back in my freshman year of college and affirmed that law school was for me, I was determined to pursue law school and practice law.

After class one morning, I met Professor Kaskla in the hallway on the way to my next class and he asked me again, “So really, why do you want to practice law?” I responded to him expressing the significance of what becoming an attorney was to me. It dated back to me as a child, no father figure in the picture and being raised by a single mother who was a first generation immigrant from the Philippines, and was not able to attend college due to a financial struggle of working three jobs just to support us both. Nine years later, my biological father decided to resurface in my life and filed suit against my mother to regain custody of me; over that long period of time fighting for my custody my mother had won the case and retained custody of me, but our troubles did not end there as the attorney fees have accumulated and my mother struggled to make ends meet. My mother explained this life event to me on my first day of college as she drove me to school, and from that day I promised myself that I would become an attorney one day and help the many unfortunate minorities who are in need to legal services, but are unable to receive these services due to financial constraint.

During my senior year I interned at Asian Americans Advancing Justice (AAAJ) formerly Asian Pacific American Legal Center (APALC) where our mission was to promote a fair and equitable society for all by working for civil and human rights, all while empowering Asian Americans and Pacific Islands and other undeserved communities. While interning at “AAAJ” I had such strong passion in reaching out to the many Asian American minorities in Los Angeles and the surrounding area who were in need of legal services, it always reminded me of how my mother was in need of legal service back when I was a child and I did not want another struggling family to have to go through that. Having a Filipino background, it was very beneficial when communicating with Filipino minorities because I was able to understand the Filipino language in different dialects Tagalog, Ilocano, and Kapampangan, which proved very useful for the staff at “AAAJ”.

After my internship was complete I began to work as a legal assistant for Kinaga Law Firm (KLF), which is a labor and employment law firm who works very closely with “AAAJ”. This was a great opportunity for me to experience the attorney work that followed after a communication was made with the minorities in need to legal services. During my time at “KLF“ I quickly adapted meticulously to the pace of work I was given and demanding long hours needed to finish all of my assignments on time, this altogether painted a realistic picture in my mind of what the life of an attorney consists of. This image of attorney life brought me back to first day in my senior seminar class with Professor Kaskla when he told the class “most students who are interested in going to law school do not understand the commitment and sacrifices you must make to practice law” I began to understand what Professor Kaskla meant with his statement. Although, I did not observe all those all-nighters, tedious tasks, and long hours I put in with our small dedicated team at KLF as a sacrifice, because I did it all with passion and I enjoyed helping our clients who were in need, the joy and happiness they would display after their cases were settled were enough to make me want to do it all over again. This is when I knew law school was for me and the attorney life is what I wanted.

Upon my completion of law school I plan on applying in the United States Air Force JAG Corps as a Judges Advocate Officer so I may serve not only the minorities in need of legal services, but this entire nation in fulfilling my passion for helping ones in need. I have placed Loyola Law School as my top choice to attend law school because I found that the “Pro Bono 40” requirement was very appealing to me, I feel that my interest in the field of litigation and advocacy with the addition of my passion for helping minorities of need of legal services would make fulfilling that requirement delightful. Also, my uncle, Michael Acain who was my role model throughout my childhood is an alumnus of Loyola Law School and has given me a lot of insight on why Loyola Law School is a perfect match for me, thus making it my ultimate dream to attend such a prestigious school and achieve greatness.

[kirbyb]

Your PS conflicts yourself. You wanted to be a lawyer for as long as you can remember (don't say that) but you didn't decide to become a lawyer until your mom told you that story your freshman year.

You can cut the beginning paragraph and just jump right into it.

There are a few word choices I wouldn't use, like paragraph 5 "I did not observe... as a sacrifice." It doesn't sound right. I initially thought you were saying you didn't actually see the attorneys pull all-nighters. You also don't typically put acronyms in quotation marks.

Not really sure why you crammed in the bit about your uncle at the end. I'd take it out completely. It seems forced and very obvious.

[Anonymous User]

Your PS conflicts yourself. You wanted to be a lawyer for as long as you can remember (don't say that) but you didn't decide to become a lawyer until your mom told you that story your freshman year.

You can cut the beginning paragraph and just jump right into it.

There are a few word choices I wouldn't use, like paragraph 5 "I did not observe... as a sacrifice." It doesn't sound right. I initially thought you were saying you didn't actually see the attorneys pull all-nighters. You also don't typically put acronyms in quotation marks.

Not really sure why you crammed in the bit about your uncle at the end. I'd take it out completely. It seems forced and very obvious.

Thanks for the feedback I appreciate it!