PS Draft, in need of feedback Forum

[Anonymous User]

Hi guys, I hope you do not mind reading my PS and leaving any feedback you have. Any feedback is greatly appreciated!

Watching my parents come home every night, my eyes fixated on their ragged clothes, the sweat of their faces painted their shirts as they stumbled through the door. On some nights, my parents hoisted these giant sacks of linens and thread spools into the house, souvenirs from their day long job. Back then, my mom and dad worked in warehouses sewing clothes. It was a tough and unrewarding line of work, but at night, when they were home, my parents and I ate together at our dinner table as a family.

It was a while until I realized that my parents were not happy with what they did for a living, or with their marriage. When I was thirteen, my mom and dad began developing habits that strained our financial stability, and every day became an opportunity for my parents to expose the instabilities of their marriage. With each disparaging expression and action, I felt as if I was the trigger. Life was terrifying then, I was a boy living in a war zone. My performance at school declined dramatically and I began to distance myself from my friends and teachers. I felt powerless, alone, and scared, unable to help as I watched my family deteriorate.

Living with my mom since the divorce, home-life has steadily improved. Each day I find myself learning more about her, and this has been both rewarding and frightening. When I got my driver’s permit my mom decided to lend me her car to drive her to work and back, giving me an opportunity to hone my driving skills. I was ecstatic at first, having a car at your leisure after school was every teenager’s dream. However, not every moment of it was as I dreamt it. Every night, as I made my way closer to my mom’s warehouse, I was approached by the reality of her harsh workplace.

One night, I decided to walk into the warehouse to help my mom collect her things. The moment I stepped into the place, my senses were struck with a barrage of piercing loud sounds, awful odors, and discomforting images. Nothing seemed humane about the place, the conditions were horrendous, and the employees looked exhausted. A tiny man, the manager, was screaming at my mom and others to hurry up, a deadline was approaching. As I was helping my mom gather her things, the man caught us with his glare and shouted an off-putting remark about how she always leaves early. I turned to my mom, she looked beat up, and I wanted to do tell him to back off. Instead, my mom urged me to ignore him, and I grudgingly complied. Walking out of that warehouse, I felt ashamed, as if I had just watched my mom get assaulted and did nothing.

After dinner, I sat on my bed reflecting on the events of the night and I was reminded of my twelve year old self. I regretted the fact that I was unable to do anything to keep my mom and dad together, and so I vowed I would do more to help my family in the future. The next morning I tried to persuade my mom to find a different place to work, possibly even a different line of work, but it was to no avail, she had conceded to her place in life. I was not deterred. I spent the rest of my nights during high school teaching my mom English, hoping that in learning it, she would be inspired find other avenues of work, and she did. Today, I am relieved that I no longer have to watch my mom come home from work the way she did years ago.

In college, I took an interest in learning about the history of labor rights and labor laws. I found myself gravitating towards the subject as I was driven by my vow to help my family, particularly my parents. In my time as an undergrad, I have consistently improved my study habits and class performances, and have developed a stronger sense of what I want to do with my life. These past couple of years I have continued to foster a deep concern for the plight of those who work in unfair conditions, particularly my dad. By applying to law school, I intend on utilizing my passion to hopefully pursue a career as a lawyer to better those who are treated unjustly.

[lawschool22]

At first read my main issue with this PS is it doesn't tell me much at all about you. And what it does tell me is not positive. The parts about yourself that stuck out to me were the places where you talk about declines in school performance, wanting to tell the manager to back off but only begrudgingly stopping at your mother's insistence, etc. The part about teaching her English is good, but it seems outweighed by the negatives you discuss about yourself, but primarily outweighed by the description of your parents grueling work.

I think I want to see more about how this affected you, and how you dealt/overcame/triumphed over the adversity. I assume they were paid very little. How did this affect you personally? Was it hard being (I assume) low income? I'm guessing they didn't go to college, so talk about what you had to do to get there. Was it hard to keep her motivated to learn English? Talk about that from a perseverance angle (I.e. How dedicated you were to teaching her).

Once you talk about how much this situation affected *you* and not them, it will be much more natural when you get into the last paragraph.

Try re working it with those thoughts in mind and post again. Remember, the PS is about YOU. Everything should be from that mindset.