Draft, might have too much narrative Forum

[Anonymous User]

--deleted-

Thanks to all.

[lawschool2014hopeful]

You obviously write well, but it becomes some what convoluted by the final paragraphs. What are you trying to convince the reader of? From the beginning it seems like you want to convey us of your debate circuit how you guys like new challenges and your mentorship skills, which is fine, but then by the final paragraphs it seems like you want to make a cheap and some what non-compelling jump into law and such. I think you should just cut the final few paragraphs and really focus on you enjoying intellectual challenges and not muddle your statement with more points that it has not built up for.

Also you should cut some of the sentences, writing a strong narrative is good, but focusing too much on peripheral details like the floor in your first paragraph begins to detract the reader from understand what exactly you are trying to convey.

[Anonymous User]

You obviously write well, but it becomes some what convoluted by the final paragraphs. What are you trying to convince the reader of? From the beginning it seems like you want to convey us of your debate circuit how you guys like new challenges and your mentorship skills, which is fine, but then by the final paragraphs it seems like you want to make a cheap and some what non-compelling jump into law and such. I think you should just cut the final few paragraphs and really focus on you enjoying intellectual challenges and not muddle your statement with more points that it has not built up for.

Also you should cut some of the sentences, writing a strong narrative is good, but focusing too much on peripheral details like the floor in your first paragraph begins to detract the reader from understand what exactly you are trying to convey.

Thank you so much for your feedback.

I am definitely trying to call attention to my desire for an intellectual challenge and my experience mentoring my partner.

I included the final two paragraphs (which admittedly seem tacked on) because I was worried that this story without any direct connect to legal studies might not be complete enough.

Do you think it would be a better strategy to try and cut substantially from the narrative and expand the continuation into my current career more? Or alternatively, focus exclusively on the narrative and state at the end that the pursuit of knowledge and desire to work with people drives my desire for law?

Thanks.

[lawschool2014hopeful]

I dont know exactly which would be better

But it is important to note that a good personal statement does not need to explicitly state this is why I want to go in law, if you demonstrate intellectual capability, curiosity, and ability to make connections to the different experiences in your life to draw a coherent theme you have written a good statement

That being said, it seems like your current version is more into the focusing on your character development (if this is the route you decide to go with, give more development and less fancy narrative descriptions), which again, is fine. To cut substantially and incorporate/foreshadow your discussion/relation with law would take some substantial revisions.

If you want me to read further copies, just PM me incase I forget to check

[lastsamurai]

I think this is fine but definitely the "safe" route. I mean, talking about a debate team isn't going to make any adcomms remember you, especially when the story doesn't really seem to have a climax as written.

The first paragraph is too staccato. You can use some compound sentences there, and your last two paragraphs don't have any transition into them at all. Make sure the whole thing flows. Initially, I struggled with my conclusion paragraphs, but there are ways to work it in - try tying back to the initial waking up on the floor maybe?

I'd definitely cut some of the narrative or re-shape it to be more poignant. Good luck!