Re wrote my PS--> New topic, please critique Forum

[Anonymous User]

That day was like any other day at the office; I was sitting at my desk analyzing a large company’s loan application when my phone rang. It was my mother. I registered the despair in her voice as she told me that I needed to come right away because there was a family emergency.

As a member of a large family of eleven siblings, there were always family emergencies but none that ever required my immediate presence. My mother informed me that I was to meet her and my other siblings at my grandfather’s house.

As I approached the house, I was greeted by the sight of a group of police officers chatting among themselves. The officers had created a barrier around what I came to acknowledge later as the “crime scene”. After a barrage of questions, I was granted permission to cross the barrier.

As I walked along the dirt road to my grandfather’s modest home, I noticed a pungent scent in the air. To my left I saw a group of police officers standing on the perimeter of an abandoned lot which was overgrown with grass. At that point, I knew that, that unnatural scent that plagued the air was the reason those officers were gathered by the lot and that also is the reason why I was summoned. That was January 6th 2012, the day when my previous infatuation with the law transformed into a burning desire to pursue legal studies.

The scent that filled the air was that of decomposed flesh, the scent was originating from the corpse of my Aunt. She was my mother’s youngest sister and my favorite Aunt, a 52 year old mentally challenged woman. She was sexually assaulted and murdered on her way home after spending the weekend at my mother’s house. The brutality of the crime caused a minor uproar on the island for a few days but with the upsurge in violent crime on the island, the case faded into the background.

After my Aunt’s funeral, I started actively pursuing the case, I questioned neighbors near the crime scene, I retraced her last steps the hours before her murder and I followed up with the lead officer on the case. Despite my amateur efforts, the case went dry. Suspects were questioned and released and my Aunt became another statistic.

As a girl growing up in a poor neighborhood, I always dreamed of one day becoming a lawyer but I taught that the pursuit of law degree was beyond my reach. The gruesome murder of my Aunt was the catalyst that has forced me to no longer be complacent. It has taught me that life is short and that you should live your life doing something that you believe in. I believe in the law and I believe that with the right people and the right motives, the law can deliver justice for all.

[HorseThief]

For starters, paragraphs 2, 3, and 4 all begin with the word "As." Just mix up the clauses in the sentences and you'll be fine.

Talking about 'pursuing the case' seems a little strange. It's not strange that you did it, but I think it distracts from your point in this PS. Just go straight to the case going cold, and then talk about how the lack of justice influenced your interest in law.

I also think that something more is missing from the PS. The theme is great, but can you bring in any other experiences? Are there similar cases that went cold, but due to the persistence of a lawyer, were eventually solved? And if so, are these inspiring to you? Can you talk about the type of law you hope to be studying and how that law would help you and your family?

[Anonymous User]

For starters, paragraphs 2, 3, and 4 all begin with the word "As." Just mix up the clauses in the sentences and you'll be fine.

Nice point! I will do this.

I also think that something more is missing from the PS. The theme is great, but can you bring in any other experiences? Are there similar cases that went cold, but due to the persistence of a lawyer, were eventually solved?

Honestly, there is a similar unsolved case like this one that irks me to this day. It is another major reason why I am interested in pursuing law. I would definitely add that one in.

And if so, are these inspiring to you? Can you talk about the type of law you hope to be studying and how that law would help you and your family?

I would love to do that but its complicated because my experiences all scream"future criminal lawyer" but my background is Finance and I would be a great great fit for corporate law so I am very confused. I don't know how or if I should reflect that in my PS. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[ellayo]

I think this is a really interesting topic...but it reads really flat. Sentences like "the day was like any other" read really rote. It's like starting a scary story with "It was a dark and stormy night."

You chose to write in the passive quite a bit as well, which contributes to the flatness.

I was sitting at my desk analyzing a large company’s loan application when my phone rang. It was my mother.

I'm not a writer who advocates taking out every single "was" in an attempt to eradicate the passive voice, but when you string a lot of passive sentences together, the reader starts to feel a little removed from the action. Breathe some life into these moments:

I sat at my desk, analyzing a large company's loan application, when the phone rang. I picked up to hear my mother's familiar voice distorted with despair.

Your PS is short, so you have a lot of room to play around with it. You have a pretty matter-of-fact way of writing, and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. You don't have to go crazy with flowery writing or anything, but you need to add some depth.

Hope that helps. I don't think it's worth going through with a fine-tooth comb quite yet, because I think you should do some major revisions. You have a good skeleton of a story though. Put some meat on it.

[Anonymous User]

I think this is a really interesting topic...but it reads really flat.

I agree with you.

Your PS is short, so you have a lot of room to play around with it. You have a pretty matter-of-fact way of writing, and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. You don't have to go crazy with flowery writing or anything, but you need to add some depth.

Hope that helps.

Matter of fact writing is what is required in my line of work I am just happy that I have settled on a topic all I have to do now is add some depth to it and polish the writing.

Thank you for the feedback