First PS revision, could really use some help Forum

[bisanch]

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[luuma]

At the time I wanted to change the system because I wanted to go to the arcade, but now I see privatized educational institutions as a vehicle perpetuating inequality.

Think you could make this less political sounding like...

As a child I wanted the system to be altered simply because I wanted to go to the arcade, but now I want it to change because I see privatized educational institutions as strongly influencing certain inequalities.

Idk something more LSAT-y, and less political [aka that can't be easily up for debate due to wording].

[jac101689]

I personally found the story about your friend's plagiarism hearing most interesting--I got a bit hooked! If I were you, I'd rebuild the essay around that. You might focus on what your friend was facing, what you did, and what the impact of your behavior was on the situation and on your interest in becoming a lawyer. As a stylistic note, switch the second and third sentences of that paragraph; it will make the setting clearer.

Don't write about your former "susceptibility to unprofessionalism" unless you're planning to go into detail about how you've evolved from there.

General notes:

The first paragraph has little connection to the rest of the piece; your interest in working toward educational equality doesn't come up again and in the last paragraph you shift to an interest in "multifaceted environments."

Also, saying that "undergraduate experiences" helped you cultivate empathy and mediation skills is real vague. I think you're referring to your sociology background and helping your friend the alleged plagiarist, but I don't know based on how you've written it. If you want to focus on this, I would suggest writing a personal statement about one or two of these experiences and their impact on you in detail.

This also needs proofreading; there are a good deal of misused and unnecessary words and some grammatical issues. If you haven't already, read the essay aloud. It might help you to bring this closer to how you would say it.

Verdict: this is a promising early draft. You have good stories, you have good reflective abilities, and you come across as a good person. But, this needs some more work! Feel free to PM me with any subsequent drafts or questions about my feedback. Best of luck to you!

[03152016]

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