Personal Statement - First Draft Forum
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Anonymous User
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Personal Statement - First Draft
removed - thanks for the help!
Last edited by Anonymous User on Thu Dec 05, 2013 9:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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AntipodeanPhil
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Re: Personal Statement - First Draft
I thought this was interesting, and a good topic. It's definitely a good start.
The first paragraph is fine, but there are some grammatical and phrasing issues. I think "go figure" is probably too informal for this kind of writing, for example -- although maybe that's subjective. Also, there's a subject-verb agreement issue in the clause "especially when they or a loved one are injured." Namely, "a loved one" is singular, but the verb that follows is in the plural form. I wouldn't rephrase the verb in singular form, though ("is") because then it wouldn't fit with "they." Better to just rewrite that part.
For the second paragraph, can you make it more about you? That is, you should aim to play up your role in helping the family, ideally with some details, in whatever way you can without lying or misrepresenting what happened. That would make it less passive and more compelling.
For the third paragraph, I would delete everything from "My previous experiences..." Problems with that part: (1) it sounds a bit like you're reciting your resume: (2) then you violate the "show, don't say" principle -- "will serve as a great foundation;" (3) then you repeat yourself a bit. You may need to add something to replace the deleted stuff, depending on how you deal with the next point.
Lastly, "I know that a career in law will allow me to do what I truly love doing – helping people" needs work. It sounds too vague and cliched. You should aim to be more specific -- "assuaging and resolving legal problems for deserving people, in their moments of greatest need," or something like that. My phrasing sounds kind of lame, but I imagine you get the point.
The first paragraph is fine, but there are some grammatical and phrasing issues. I think "go figure" is probably too informal for this kind of writing, for example -- although maybe that's subjective. Also, there's a subject-verb agreement issue in the clause "especially when they or a loved one are injured." Namely, "a loved one" is singular, but the verb that follows is in the plural form. I wouldn't rephrase the verb in singular form, though ("is") because then it wouldn't fit with "they." Better to just rewrite that part.
For the second paragraph, can you make it more about you? That is, you should aim to play up your role in helping the family, ideally with some details, in whatever way you can without lying or misrepresenting what happened. That would make it less passive and more compelling.
For the third paragraph, I would delete everything from "My previous experiences..." Problems with that part: (1) it sounds a bit like you're reciting your resume: (2) then you violate the "show, don't say" principle -- "will serve as a great foundation;" (3) then you repeat yourself a bit. You may need to add something to replace the deleted stuff, depending on how you deal with the next point.
Lastly, "I know that a career in law will allow me to do what I truly love doing – helping people" needs work. It sounds too vague and cliched. You should aim to be more specific -- "assuaging and resolving legal problems for deserving people, in their moments of greatest need," or something like that. My phrasing sounds kind of lame, but I imagine you get the point.
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Anonymous User
- Posts: 432096
- Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am
Re: Personal Statement - First Draft
Awesome, that's exactly what I was looking for. Thanks so much.
