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Anonymous User
- Posts: 432085
- Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am
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Anonymous User
- Posts: 432085
- Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am
Re: Work Experience Personal Statement
Bump
Please help...
Please help...
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AntipodeanPhil
- Posts: 1352
- Joined: Fri Apr 08, 2011 7:02 pm
Re: Work Experience Personal Statement
Generally, this is good. Some specific comments:
1. "It was overwhelming as this is the first time:" was (past tense).
2. " we only handle hearings occasionally; and the attorneys are not litigators:" don't follow a semi-colon with a conjunction.
3. "I secretly believe the infrequency of hearings is due to how well prepared we were:" isn't it kind of obvious that there would be a correlation? Seems like an odd thing to believe "secretly."
4. Also, I'm a 2L, but I have no idea what a "peer review case" is. You might want to explain a bit more to your audience here.
5. "As the preparation for a hearing draws on, I learned more and more about the skills a lawyer should possess:" again, the tense is weird here -- you switch from present tense to past tense. Also, wasn't there only one hearing? You should use the definite article.
6. "One of the first things I was taught is:" delete this -- it's redundant.
7. "Some asked for a way to take advantages:" the last word should be singular, not plural.
8. "lawyering, lies:" delete the comma.
9. being a lawyer, is:" delete the comma.
10. "what my business law professor said in the class:" huh -- which class? Also, use a colon after "class."
11. "but there is more:" more to what?
12. " are part-lawyer-part-businessman hybrids:" awkward -- rephrase.
13. The last paragraph is no good. It seems redundant, obvious, etc. I would suggest deleting it and adding "I hope to apply that lesson, and many others I have learnt through my experience, in my future career as a transnational lawyer" to the end of the preceding paragraph.
1. "It was overwhelming as this is the first time:" was (past tense).
2. " we only handle hearings occasionally; and the attorneys are not litigators:" don't follow a semi-colon with a conjunction.
3. "I secretly believe the infrequency of hearings is due to how well prepared we were:" isn't it kind of obvious that there would be a correlation? Seems like an odd thing to believe "secretly."
4. Also, I'm a 2L, but I have no idea what a "peer review case" is. You might want to explain a bit more to your audience here.
5. "As the preparation for a hearing draws on, I learned more and more about the skills a lawyer should possess:" again, the tense is weird here -- you switch from present tense to past tense. Also, wasn't there only one hearing? You should use the definite article.
6. "One of the first things I was taught is:" delete this -- it's redundant.
7. "Some asked for a way to take advantages:" the last word should be singular, not plural.
8. "lawyering, lies:" delete the comma.
9. being a lawyer, is:" delete the comma.
10. "what my business law professor said in the class:" huh -- which class? Also, use a colon after "class."
11. "but there is more:" more to what?
12. " are part-lawyer-part-businessman hybrids:" awkward -- rephrase.
13. The last paragraph is no good. It seems redundant, obvious, etc. I would suggest deleting it and adding "I hope to apply that lesson, and many others I have learnt through my experience, in my future career as a transnational lawyer" to the end of the preceding paragraph.
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Anonymous User
- Posts: 432085
- Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am
Re: Work Experience Personal Statement
Thank You for the really good points!
Honestly I am bad at starting/ending an essay so thank you so much for the last point.
Also regarding #3, when I showed my essay to a friend who's a medical student, he actually had a very different explanation. That's why I wasn't sure if my audience would think of it the same way I do. Thank you for pointing that out.
Honestly I am bad at starting/ending an essay so thank you so much for the last point.
Also regarding #3, when I showed my essay to a friend who's a medical student, he actually had a very different explanation. That's why I wasn't sure if my audience would think of it the same way I do. Thank you for pointing that out.
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