Personal Statement- Rip it apart please Forum
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Anonymous User
- Posts: 432085
- Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am
Personal Statement- Rip it apart please
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Last edited by Anonymous User on Mon Dec 02, 2013 2:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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arklaw13
- Posts: 1862
- Joined: Wed Jun 06, 2012 2:36 pm
Re: Personal Statement- Rip it apart please
The subject matter is pretty interesting, but your PS needs work. A few points:
Take out mentions of University of Florida. They know where you went to undergrad - no need to repeat it in your PS.
"Upon returning too..."
This paragraph is what your entire PS should look like (irrespective of subject matter) because it's actually about you (most of it anyway; in any case its better than the rest). All of the previous paragraphs give me very little information about you, your feelings, thoughts, dreams, etc. There's too much background. The adcoms don't really care that much about the specifics of the troubles of the villagers. Most of your PS is from a third-person point of view. Rewrite it as if you were telling it to your therapist, rather than telling a story at a dinner table.
As far as the subject matter, I like the overall comparison of your experiences in India to the condition of workers in Florida. I would stick with this topic.
I don't like, "I vicariously experienced..." That's weird.
I specifically chose SPOHP because it is a program with strong ties to community based organizations nationally and therefore could offer me a wider scope of experience.
Bolded is confusing in several respects. Are you saying that SPOHP has ties to community based organizations across the country? Clarify this. Also, "wider scope of experience" is very vague. Plenty of ways to make this more appealing.
Hope this helps. PS was the hardest part for me when I applied.
Take out mentions of University of Florida. They know where you went to undergrad - no need to repeat it in your PS.
"Upon returning too..."
This paragraph is what your entire PS should look like (irrespective of subject matter) because it's actually about you (most of it anyway; in any case its better than the rest). All of the previous paragraphs give me very little information about you, your feelings, thoughts, dreams, etc. There's too much background. The adcoms don't really care that much about the specifics of the troubles of the villagers. Most of your PS is from a third-person point of view. Rewrite it as if you were telling it to your therapist, rather than telling a story at a dinner table.
As far as the subject matter, I like the overall comparison of your experiences in India to the condition of workers in Florida. I would stick with this topic.
I don't like, "I vicariously experienced..." That's weird.
I specifically chose SPOHP because it is a program with strong ties to community based organizations nationally and therefore could offer me a wider scope of experience.
Bolded is confusing in several respects. Are you saying that SPOHP has ties to community based organizations across the country? Clarify this. Also, "wider scope of experience" is very vague. Plenty of ways to make this more appealing.
Hope this helps. PS was the hardest part for me when I applied.
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Anonymous User
- Posts: 432085
- Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am
Re: Personal Statement- Rip it apart please
Thanks for your edits! I agree that the first few paragraphs were coming off as a narrative rather than my own story. I'm working on editing this portion of the statement now so my statement does truly become a personal one.
