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Anonymous User
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jac101689
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- Joined: Thu Oct 25, 2012 2:10 pm
Re: Sub-par first draft - any help appreciated
The first two paragraphs are somewhat awkwardly written. You use Abdo's name too many times in the first three sentences, in my opinion. Try to vary your constructions more while getting the same messages across. I think by "sympathetic face" you mean someone who shares Abdo's view, but that doesn't make much sense given that Abdo seems to want some kind of intervention and the "sympathetic face" is against it. Again, just be clearer on what you mean.
"Over the course of a few days, a debate I had so fastidiously been following began unfolding in front of me in very personal terms" could be set up better; the pro-war/anti-war debate, assuming that's what you mean, gets lost in a meandering paragraph.
"fill the void" isn't the most precise way of saying "complemented my theoretical background" or however you want to say it.
Anyway, this is good overall in my opinion. I characterize a good personal statement as one that shows evidence of decent writing skills, sincerity, and a halfway-likable personality.
"Over the course of a few days, a debate I had so fastidiously been following began unfolding in front of me in very personal terms" could be set up better; the pro-war/anti-war debate, assuming that's what you mean, gets lost in a meandering paragraph.
"fill the void" isn't the most precise way of saying "complemented my theoretical background" or however you want to say it.
Anyway, this is good overall in my opinion. I characterize a good personal statement as one that shows evidence of decent writing skills, sincerity, and a halfway-likable personality.
