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AntipodeanPhil
- Posts: 1352
- Joined: Fri Apr 08, 2011 7:02 pm
Re: PS First Draft- Tear it up
As per usual, no one has commented on this because there aren't any serious problems with it.
Stylistically, this is great. You write very well, and there's some very nice phrasing here (e.g., "carousel of coups").
In terms of content, the middle three paragraphs are fine, but I'm not very enthusiastic about the opening paragraph or the conclusion.
The problem with the opening paragraph is the experience you describe is extremely common -- anyone travelling to a non-English speaking country will have had problems with the local currency. It led me to expect that something trite would follow.
The experiences you describe in the third and fourth paragraph are much more interesting. Is there anyway you could use those experiences to find a good opening anecdote?
Along similar lines, I also wonder if you might expand a bit on your experience with the protesters. That's the bit I want to know more about.
The problem with your conclusion is that it seems a bit like wasted space, and violates the "show it don't say it" principle ("I took full advantage of my immersion in Argentina and constantly sought new experiences and perspectives, not content with the typical tourist attractions" -- you'd already implied that).
Stylistically, this is great. You write very well, and there's some very nice phrasing here (e.g., "carousel of coups").
In terms of content, the middle three paragraphs are fine, but I'm not very enthusiastic about the opening paragraph or the conclusion.
The problem with the opening paragraph is the experience you describe is extremely common -- anyone travelling to a non-English speaking country will have had problems with the local currency. It led me to expect that something trite would follow.
The experiences you describe in the third and fourth paragraph are much more interesting. Is there anyway you could use those experiences to find a good opening anecdote?
Along similar lines, I also wonder if you might expand a bit on your experience with the protesters. That's the bit I want to know more about.
The problem with your conclusion is that it seems a bit like wasted space, and violates the "show it don't say it" principle ("I took full advantage of my immersion in Argentina and constantly sought new experiences and perspectives, not content with the typical tourist attractions" -- you'd already implied that).
