Deleted Forum

[Anonymous User]

Thanks for the help, everyone!

[Anonymous User]

Also, if you want to swap, let me know!

[doing_it_in_a_car]

A brief and incomplete critique:

Use parallelism. Instead of:
The machines were more complicated, the room was brighter, there were flashier monitors, and I had never before seen quite so many nurses and doctors fluttering around in one room.

Go with:
The lights were brighter, the machines were noisier, and the monitors were flashier. I had never before seen so many nurses and doctors fluttering around in one room.

Ease off of the adjectives and adverbs. Use verbs to tell a story.
Instead of:
Every wide-eyed observation piercingly reaffirmed what my mother’s doctors had already told me: This time, she wasn’t going to make it.
Use:
When I looked at my mother's chest struggling to rise, I could tell that the doctors were right. This time, she wasn’t going to make it.

Your ratio of detail to lessons is too low. Use more concrete images instead of abstract lessons, or else the lessons come off as insincere.

Get rid of the semicolons and hyphens/dashes. There's no shame in short sentences.

Like you said, it does get weaker toward the end. Bring it back to something about your mom to give it a sense of completeness.

[Anonymous User]

Thank you very much! Your suggestions make perfect sense, and I'm certainly going to implement them. I know you said your critique was "brief and incomplete," so please feel free to add on anything else that you think needs to be revised.

[Anonymous User]

Bump to see if anyone else has any other suggestions for me to work into my next revision. Since I'm applying ED, I plan on submitting my app tomorrow. Thanks, everyone!

[Javert]

PM me for a swap. I'd be happy to help.

[CanadianWolf]

This essay is weak primarily due to a lack of a well defined theme. What is your objective ? If it is pity, then you've achieved your goal; but, if it is admission to CCN, then you need to move beyond the self-pity theme.

[Anonymous User]

Thanks for the brutal honesty, CanadianWolf, although your comment is devastating. I wasn't shooting for pity. Rather, I was trying to portray my dedication, resilience, and how I've adapted and evolved. Do you have any tips or suggestions?

[Anonymous User]

Javert, I'll PM you my next draft! Thank you!

[rigoding]

I like this PS. PM me for a swap!

[Anonymous User]

Thank you! I'm heavily revising it (re-writing almost the whole thing), but I will PM you once I'm done with the next draft.

[Anonymous User]

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