First draft, tear me up yall!!!!! Forum

[Anonymous User]

After several weeks of procrastinating and endless hours of staring at a blank screen I finally have something written down.. Any and all help would be greatly appreciated!!!

As I plunge into a tub of ice-cold water all I can hear are the roars of laughter and delight of young school children. I had spent all day being the object of their ridicule, bringing the crowd to life with every successive dunk in the pool. No matter the embarrassment or jeers from the crowd, to see the smiles on the kids faces made it all worth it. It’s the middle of July in Los Angeles, yet children and adults alike are running around hurling snowballs at each other. Today is the annual Christmas in July at the Union Street Rescue Mission in Los Angeles. At the event volunteers such as myself are engaged in entertaining financially disadvantaged children and their families with a wide array of carnival style games and distributing healthy and fresh food to the community. Although I have been to this event before, today was a special day for me because it was the first time that I have came on behalf of my very own restaurant, not that of my fathers.
Growing up in the restaurant business, I have always participated in community events such as these from a young age and those experiences have shaped who I am today and my outlook on things. I remember distinctly as a child driving through skid row on Thanksgiving and Christmas Day with my father and younger brother, car packed to the brim with sandwiches for the homeless. While many parents would have opted to have their children hand out food through the safety of their car windows, my father chose a different approach. We parked our car and walked the streets littered with debris and paraphernalia and interacted with the people. It was imperative my dad said that we see that these men and women who lay in the streets were no different then we, and that they were to be given the same respected and treated with the same dignity as any other member of society. It is this humility and compassion that drives me everyday to strive for a more just and equal future for all, regardless of socio-economic status.
Fast forward fifteen years and I am now running the business that my father has worked so hard to establish for the past 30 years. Just as academia requires strict discipline, determination, and hard work, running your own business also demands these same vital principles. Over the past year I have been responsible for the family business, and accordingly my family’s only source of income. Although, a great challenge and responsibility I have been able to not only maintain what has been built, but propel the company forward in terms of increased sales and an increase in community involvement and cooperation. Using the morals and ethical guidelines imparted on me as a youth, I have established relationships with local schools and shelters to provide healthy meals to aid the residents in their quest for stability and long-term success. Just recently we worked with the CareNowUSA organization on an event in downtown Los Angeles that provided free medical and dental services to the local community. As a result, our restaurants were able to provide boxed lunches to more than 3,000 volunteers and patients.
My passion for the law stems from this deep-rooted belief that the moral and economic success of our society as a whole is directly related to how we view and treat those that are less fortunate than us. In my study of jurisprudence, I aim to gain the knowledge necessary to someday to be able to reform many of our state and national laws that have continuously allowed for our marginalized members of society to be ignored. Furthermore, I am confident that my experience in running my own business has crafted the work ethic and determination to succeed that will allow me to excel in my study of the law. Being a business owner is complex, however just as with the law with an open mind and a willingness to constantly develop, it can provide a fruitful and fulfilling career.

[lawschool2014hopeful]

For a first draft, you certainly demonstrated fair writing capabilities.

Nonetheless, here are the criticisms

#1 I understand the cute narrative/non-linear approach you attempted with the first paragraph, but you didnt execute it properly. You simply disconnected too many times, going for an imagery description to a fact (i.e., smiles to LA; games to today). Is cute to do this sort of thing once in a paragraph or twice in a paper at most, any more, readers get kind of annoyed, and perhaps suspect your ability to tell a story in a linear/logical fashion

#2 You say is your own restaurant, but it is what you father have built, you simply took over, so is not your own. Reading that sentence I expected you opened your own chain. Also, how is that different beside the fact you are no longer following someone else's lead? What did you do differently? From that sentence, I am almost expecting some sort of contrast comparison between when you were a follower vs leader.

#3 Jurisprudence refers to legal theory more or so, use law. Honestly your connection to law feels bit cheesy, that you want to help the impoverished/establish equality. In my opinion, to write something so cliche you must have demonstrated you have seriously conducted research in laws/policies relating to policy, you can perhaps do this by being more specific in what you envision to do, rather than just "help people".

#4 Dont be so confident that your business skills will definitely translate over and guarantee success, better off to claim it will help or provide unique perspective.

[Anonymous User]

Hey Jimmie thanks for the feedback, those are really valid points forshure and I will take note. Because this is a going to be for a reapplication and my previous ps was about a similar end, helping underprevilaged etc, i thought I should stick with that so I dont seem disengenious from year to year. What are your thoughts on it? Also any suggestions about how I can connect this unique experience to wantinf to attend law school, I"m a bit stumped. Thanks again and anyone else that has an opinion dont be shy.

[lawschool2014hopeful]

Hey Jimmie thanks for the feedback, those are really valid points forshure and I will take note. Because this is a going to be for a reapplication and my previous ps was about a similar end, helping underprevilaged etc, i thought I should stick with that so I dont seem disengenious from year to year. What are your thoughts on it? Also any suggestions about how I can connect this unique experience to wantinf to attend law school, I"m a bit stumped. Thanks again and anyone else that has an opinion dont be shy.

Dont worry about having a different statement for re-application, law schools will get annoyed if you send them the exact same thing.

As for the experience to law school, perhaps you can conjure up some sort of anecdote that you felt you could do more than just feed couple a night. For example: "The line seemed endless, regardless of how often I come back, there always people in need, then I realized, if I wanted to bring change, I should do something more fundamental......look at some policy regarding poverty.... how you feel like you can improve....."

[Anonymous User]

Sounds good Jimmy I see exactly what you're saying and makes perfect. Basically tying it together on a macro level then describing specifics of how to change..ie...homeslesness policies, rehabilitation, veterans etc..that make up a large population of the homeless in LA and elsewhere.

[lawschool2014hopeful]

Sounds good Jimmy I see exactly what you're saying and makes perfect. Basically tying it together on a macro level then describing specifics of how to change..ie...homeslesness policies, rehabilitation, veterans etc..that make up a large population of the homeless in LA and elsewhere.

Exactly, but do be careful not turn your statement into a list of people you want to help. You want to use examples, but the examples itself should not dominate the statement.

[Anonymous User]

Cool thanks so much for your help, after weeks of procrastination and brain farts it feels good to finally. have something on paper that is workable. If anyone has any other critiques, that would be much appreciated..I'm into swapping PS's as well if anyone wants.