(Deleted) Forum
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Anonymous User
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- Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am
(Deleted)
Deleted, thanks for the comment! I'll take it into account as I re-write.
Last edited by Anonymous User on Thu Nov 14, 2013 5:39 am, edited 1 time in total.
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sparty99
- Posts: 1902
- Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2010 8:41 pm
Re: First draft! Any and all comments appreciated!
Not very compelling. You provide no specific examples, generally speak in generalizations. I didnt get to know you. I just know you were part of the peace core for two years. IF YOU LIVED ABROAD FOR TWO YEARS, THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE BETTER EXAMPLES.
You worked to implement projects? OKay, well tell me what these were. Be specific. What skills did you give your students? You talk about your parents. What country did they come from? Iran. You need to stop with the generalization and be more specific. Provide depth. Let the reader get to know you. The first paragraph is the only one where you provide specifics and that wasnt even compelling. It was about the odor of the city.
You worked to implement projects? OKay, well tell me what these were. Be specific. What skills did you give your students? You talk about your parents. What country did they come from? Iran. You need to stop with the generalization and be more specific. Provide depth. Let the reader get to know you. The first paragraph is the only one where you provide specifics and that wasnt even compelling. It was about the odor of the city.
