Deleted Forum

[Anonymous User]

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[tpfennin]

I like the intro. And I think you have a good theme if you can develop it. Maybe I was misreading it, but I was missing the connection between your mothers illness and your desire to attend law school. I almost think there needs to be either a strong connecting sentence or two that connects the story from the intro to the "why law" element you end with, or an entirely new paragraph.

Did this episode in your life cause the cross country trip? I feel like that could be a very interesting element to develop.... If there is some connection.

Just my take from one brief read.

[Ramius]

Your discussion of your mother's illness and your constant retreats to literature was pretty solid and I believe you can use that, but the last-minute tack on of your road trip didn't hit on all cylinders. You call it the most formative experience of your life, and yet you touch on it only superficially. If you're looking to take something out of THIS statement, I'd say that's what needs to go. Otherwise, if it really had that much impact, you should make that move the entire focus of your statement.

In reading this, I can tell that you're struggling with finding the right topic and right way to present it. You need to think about what message you're particularly trying to convey to the reader and commit to that message. This statement makes it seem like the entire idea of a coherent message is foreign to you. If you want your statement to impress, it needs to show confidence in yourself, your abilities and your purpose. I want to see a fire in your eyes, a passion for whatever you're writing about. This statement leaves me luke warm because you haven't committed to a topic yet.

Good luck figuring out your message and hopefully then you'll have the strong voice you want!

[Anonymous User]

OP here. Thank you both very much for your help! Of course you are spot on. I'm going to re-work the last few paragraphs to make the connection stronger and more focused.

This is how I feel reading it, too:

In reading this, I can tell that you're struggling with finding the right topic and right way to present it. You need to think about what message you're particularly trying to convey to the reader and commit to that message. This statement makes it seem like the entire idea of a coherent message is foreign to you. If you want your statement to impress, it needs to show confidence in yourself, your abilities and your purpose. I want to see a fire in your eyes, a passion for whatever you're writing about. This statement leaves me luke warm because you haven't committed to a topic yet.

I feel that it's luke-warm, and I hate that. I've been out of school a few years, so the idea of a PS has become pretty distant for me. Do you think it lacks that passion and fire because of the weak connection to the last few paragraphs? Or is that the feeling you get all throughout?

Thanks again!

[Anonymous User]

I'm working on editing, and trying to figure out what parts I can salvage. Should I just scrap the whole thing?