1st PS Draft--Is it ok? Forum

[Anonymous User]

..............

[Anonymous User]

Any input?

One of the issues I have with it is that it may be a bit boring. Please let me know what you think.

[Anonymous User]

Anyone?

[Anonymous User]

Thoughts? Is it a problem that it's not in a story format?

[Pancakes12]

I don't have much critical feedback other than that you have a solid writing style and that I think the topic is working for you. You start the fourth paragraph by saying that you cultivate positive qualities in others. This sounds a little like self agrandizement and doesn't really seem to fit with the rest of the paragraph anyways. But, this is a nice, concise little PS that I think can be edited a bit to reach its potential.

[Anonymous User]

Thanks!!!

I'm mentioned cultivating positive qualities in others to highlight that I'm giving back to my community and because it's similar to my trainer positively helping me. I definitely don't want to come across as self-aggrandizing though.

[Pancakes12]

Thanks!!!

I'm mentioned cultivating positive qualities in others to highlight that I'm giving back to my community and because it's similar to my trainer positively helping me. I definitely don't want to come across as self-aggrandizing though.

Yes, it comes through clearly that's what you're trying to do, but I wouldn't really describe giving someone hygiene products, while admirable, as "cultivating them". I know you're trying to parallel your trainer's influence on you, but it's very forced. This paragraph will still work just fine without stressing that you're somehow cultivating or developing them.

[Anonymous User]

Thanks for the response; I'll work on that paragraph.

Did you find it boring or un-engaging? I notice that a lot of people seem to be telling captivating stories in their statements, but I don't really have a story or anything dramatic here.

[Pancakes12]

It's not as exciting as some, but it's not supposed to be because it's a different topic. You founded a non-profit. That's not sexy, but it's very cool. And you run a nice metaphor through it. I wasn't bored because it was nice and concise. One thing I would consider doing is adding some more info about what obstacles/difficulties you had to deal with while starting the non-profit and describing briefly how you overcame them. But that's just my thought, and not neccessary.

btw, I've been having trouble getting people to review my PS. I'd like some fresh eyes on it. PM me if you're willing.

[Ramius]

This was an overall solid PS and I think you did a commendable job on connecting things that would be seemingly unrelated. It wasn't a roller coaster ride of emotion, but it really doesn't need to be. You do a nice job of highlighting things you've done, how you did them and why you did them without it coming off like a resume, which is fairly difficult to do. One sentence that bothered me though:

Because subtle gestures can have great impacts in this and other ways, as my trainer invariably stressed, I am always cognizant of how subtleties matter, whether a jab or a clinch, a smile or a toothbrush, an extra ten minutes studying or an extra proofreading of a sentence; whether in boxing, community involvement, academics, or legal practice.

This was a run-onnnnnnn sentence. I feel like everything after the semi-colon can be lopped off, because it adds nothing to your statement. It's a minor offense in the grand scheme of things, but I think you should cut off the end.

Other than that, good job and good luck!