Draft Number 4-ish. I think I'm getting close, do you? Forum

[Anonymous User]

Removed. Appreciate the help.

[jselson]

I don't think anyone's opinion on this is going to change from the last time you posted this: it's fine, but not spectacular; won't help nor hurt; shows your sincerity, but there's no particular unique or insightful perspective here. I think you attempted to do that last bit in the second half of the PS, but you're beginning to use clichéd thinking rather than real depth. For example, the whole "law/policy can cause problems, but also help solve them." You needed a particular experience to help you see what to most of your audience is an obvious-to-the-point-of-banal idea? My point is, it's not interesting as a conclusion, and makes you look like you're attempting sloganeering rather than real, sustained reflection. I think the Jawan stuff should be a much briefer part of this, and the non-profit forming process much larger. A billion other applicants will have similar TFA-type stories. Far fewer will have this particular non-profit angle. Like, right now, I don't quite understand what the non-profit does (help students do their own "social solutions" sounds like vague corporate-speak). You could talk about, as Asha recommends in the blog post others linked you to, why you came to design your non-profit in the specific way you did - what problems did you see, how specifically will your non-profit work to counter them, what obstacles did you face in creating it, what insight you've gained from the process, how you view education/the non-profit world differently because of the process, etc.

I think the namedropping paragraph is significantly better, though.