Please critique- Posting my rough draft here Forum

[Anonymous User]

*Taken down for editing*

Thanks, you two, for the great advice. I'm doing a complete rewrite to put the focus more on myself and the strengths that will make me a good student/lawyer. Any chance I could pm you with it when I get that done? Or anyone else for that matter? *wink wink*

[bluepenguin]

I didn't read this because I couldn't get past the fact that you redacted the type of trees in your grandparents' yard.

I will read it when you tell me what kind of trees they are and not a second sooner!

[Anonymous User]

Pecan trees. Now that you mention it I guess that was a little over the top.

Now please tell me what you think

[20130804]

Overall, there were some very interesting parts, but I think it's very disjointed. At the end of it, I'm not left with any clear understanding of why you want to go to law school, or who you are as a person. I could draw a few assumptions based on the way you speak about your experiences, but I think you could do a better job of connecting the dots more. If you want to go to law school because you want to help communities lift themselves up, then you should use examples that show that. It's there in the examples you give, but I have to do a lot of reading between the lines to see it.

Additionally, you should spend more time talking about yourself. For example, the third paragraph, while interesting, doesn't tell me anything about you, nor does it segue into the following paragraph.

You should choose either what you learned from your grandfather or what you learned from your student. Take that information, connect it to your personal growth, and use that one example to show what you have to offer. As it stands, there's too much going on and no clear direction.

[bluepenguin]

Interesting collection of stories.
I like the writing.
The transitions from thought to thought are not very clear.
Says almost nothing about you.
Final paragraph/line doesn't work.

It lacks that vital quality of being condensable to a simple elevator pitch. If I were to summarize this for another person, I'd say something like, "She (?) seems to be a smart person who has some interesting experiences in China. Apparently she wants to be a lawyer, and she's using Confucian philosophy to explain the decision."
Is that what you were going for?