PS Rough Draft #1: Opinions, Feedback, Corrections please Forum
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JC7168
- Posts: 10
- Joined: Thu Sep 27, 2012 4:52 pm
PS Rough Draft #1: Opinions, Feedback, Corrections please
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Last edited by JC7168 on Sat Oct 19, 2013 2:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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swoosh
- Posts: 12
- Joined: Mon Nov 26, 2012 5:22 pm
Re: PS Rough Draft #1: Opinions, Feedback, Corrections please
There's some grammar issues and typos - most glaringly:
1. Bad sentence: This compulsion of mine came from the fact that he was so convinced and so sure that he had the right answer that he had clouded his ability to see both sides of the issue.
2. An ethical and intellectual equilibrium had been reach. -- should be "reached"
But the real issue is the lack of personality - this is a great "why law?" essay, but doesn't tell the reader much about you or your passions, interests, and background. If you've got a diversity statement or something else that paints that picture you might be okay, but I think this lacks as a personal statement.
Maybe you could keep the ending but come up with a more interesting/personal anecdote to start off with? Your opening paragraph really caught my attention, but it felt anti-climactic afterward - I don't even know your stance on gay marriage, did you change your major/religion/life goals/etc? I felt left with an unanswered feeling at the end if that makes sense.
Hope this helps, good luck!
1. Bad sentence: This compulsion of mine came from the fact that he was so convinced and so sure that he had the right answer that he had clouded his ability to see both sides of the issue.
2. An ethical and intellectual equilibrium had been reach. -- should be "reached"
But the real issue is the lack of personality - this is a great "why law?" essay, but doesn't tell the reader much about you or your passions, interests, and background. If you've got a diversity statement or something else that paints that picture you might be okay, but I think this lacks as a personal statement.
Maybe you could keep the ending but come up with a more interesting/personal anecdote to start off with? Your opening paragraph really caught my attention, but it felt anti-climactic afterward - I don't even know your stance on gay marriage, did you change your major/religion/life goals/etc? I felt left with an unanswered feeling at the end if that makes sense.
Hope this helps, good luck!
