Please critique my PS Forum

[ALgooner]

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[bluepenguin]

Not a bad bit of stuff, my North London frenemy. Draft isn't that rough. Well written until the last two paragraphs. They're a disaster. Second to last paragraph is just overwritten. Last one is a whole lot of telling instead of showing.

You could probably reduce NAME's role without taking too much of a hit, although I appreciate what you're doing with the character.

Most of P5 can go.

[B90]

Are you about to submit this today? I like it. I only had the chance to skim it so far. I will do an edit this evening. Excellent draft, though.

[ALgooner]

Uh oh, penguin. Spurs fan? Reading over the next to last paragraph again, I agree it is overwritten. The later into the night I wrote, the cheesier my metaphors became.


B90, I am not planning on submitting today. Hopefully this weekend. I would really appreciate any editing you could do!

[ALgooner]

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[kublaikahn]

Sort of a resume rehash. The writing is fairly weak as well. I would start over with a theme that you can build on. And grab the readers attention more powerfully but less dramatically. Something like, "It was the aftermath of a large tornado that actually lifted me up and spun me in a new direction."

Try to avoid assuming the reader knows what you are thinking. For example you write, "I immersed myself in the position." What does that mean? Or "When I started at ORGANIZATION, I saw my position as a means to an end." This is vague and nondescriptive." Tell the reader more effectively what you are thinking. For example, "I volunteered as a means of supporting others aspirations, but found it was my own that grew larger." The reader does not know what means and what ends to which you refer.